Powerless

Powerless... that's how my husband put it. Over the past few months, I have had a day here and there where I just want to be upset. I want to stay in bed. I don't want to hang out, be happy, do anything. Its hard at times for  Christian to feel this way. I am always a positive person. I know that God has me all the time and that makes this life a beautiful thing. But somedays, lately, it feels far from it.

The kids wake up screaming at each other

Keyboard warriors at it again

LEO wives asking for prayer bc theirs destruction in their area, or the government is not backing up their department, their significant other is back out at it again and they are scared.

Everything is closing up again

Being a SAHM, LEOW during all this is probably the worst possible thing. I think the only thing that could make it worse is if my kids were school aged bc homeschool through this would be a nightmare. Just preschool homeschool is. But it for sure has pulled me deep into the word.

 

16 But I have raised you up[a] for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth. Exodus 9:16

This was a verse in a devotional a read the day after talking to my husband about all I was feeling.  If that wasn't God talking straight to me about feeling so powerless, then I don't know how the big the sign would need to be. LOL I will not let the loud minority make me feel powerless when I am a Child of God. I may not have to fight every battle online but I will not be quiet. I will wear my blue line gear with pride. I will go outside, to a park, and play with my kids. I will enjoy time and open conversations with friends and family in person. 

17 I urge you, brothers and sisters, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them. 18 For such people are not serving our Lord Christ, but their own appetites. By smooth talk and flattery they deceive the minds of naive people. Romans 16:17-18

But I will keep bringing up scripture. I will equip myself, my heart and my mind with the word of God to back it up and share with everyone who is willing to have a conversation. I will find God's power when I am feeling my most powerless.  

BTW, if you haven't read the book "Stop Calling Me Beautiful" by Phylicia Masonheimer, I highly recommend you get it! We need to get deep and dirty into the Gospel.  

Living for the present instead of the possible

Did anyone else think that January was THE LONGEST MONTH EVER!!!

So in my life, I have 4 birthday in January (kind of 5 if you count my daughter which is Dec 30th so close enough). The holidays don't end on Christmas, they really begin and keep going till February.
And this year even more got added to the January plate... my husbands family was all going to be together, for a week, for the first time since our wedding 6 years ago! Oh yeah, and I decided I wanted to do a Spartan race for the first time with my husband. 🤦🤦

Now for a planner like me, this was a nightmare!!! We had all these "events" but nothing really "planned". I had to let go of so much to just go with the flow of birthdays, family time, meals, children's naps, etc. And guess what? I survived. We all survived. We even had a great month. I wasn't in control of every minute and we all did just fine. Yes, there were some crazy times and my children didn't nap or go to bed like they normally do but we all made it through with some great memories.

• We took my niece to Disneyland for the first time with my kids and everyone had a blast!
• We went to Knotts Berry Farm with my husbands whole family for a day. Our kids got to do something new, bond with their cousins they hardly get to see and we even got to go on a few things too to enjoy time with them as well. 
• We froze our butts off at the beach but I learned how much my children really want to go to the beach more (I hate the beach lol but maybe I need to get over it)
• I did my first Spartan race and I kicked butt! lol I climbed walls and cargo nets, flipped tires and did quiet a few burpees to earn that medal but I did it, with my amazing husband! Honestly, I am kind of addicted now.
• Husband and I went to taping of our favorite show and had so much fun! Even already seen ourselves on TV lol
• I would like to add I read/listened to 2 books! lol I have added reading/listening to audiobooks to my "things to do in 2020" and I am actually doing it! (One, which has lead me to this entry today)

These are things people do in a year, or even years and we did it all in the month on January!!! I was stressed out, wigged out, crazy for most of the month and what for??? If I am always looking 2 steps ahead how can I enjoy what is right in front of me???

The plan for my life was never the SAHM, married to an officer, ideas of homeschooling one day but here we are and yet I am always still looking 2 steps ahead instead of just enjoying the now.

As month 1 of 2020 is over, I am looking forward to month 2 and focusing on the here and now of spending time with my family and hopefully soon friends too! Because life is too short, and quick for us to only focus on whats next and not enjoy time with one another and show God's love and grace to one another. 

Proverbs 3:1-6 CSB

1My son, don’t forget my teaching,

but let your heart keep my commands;

2for they will bring you

many days, a full life, and well-being.

3Never let loyalty and faithfulness leave you.

Tie them around your neck;

write them on the tablet of your heart.

4Then you will find favor and high regard

with God and people.

5Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and do not rely on your own understanding;

6in all your ways know him,

and he will make your paths straight.

Below are a few resources I love and the books I have read so far. Check them out
Books
Right Side of History
Everything Happens for a Reason

Resources
Libby- app for library ebooks/audiobooks FREE
Hoopla- another app for library ebooks/audiobooks FREE
Emory Lane- bc I love supporting small businesses and I live in these shirts lol

2020 Vision

Since it is the theme of EVERYTHING, might as well use it too. But to have a clear vision, we must first look back.
2019- If you ask me, this year was probably one of the biggest growth years our family has had. The stress it was to get through our first year with 2 kids was so much on me personally and our marriage in 2018 that 2019 meant we got to reconnect and rebalance our family. The decision to change churches was also a huge step that created so much joy and peace throughout the year as well. And I got to focus and figure out myself and reconnect my personal faith again. God showed us to much grace and love this last year and I am hoping it with just grow from here.

So what does 2020 look like for this CHP family?
I’m hoping it looks like my husband getting to venture into new avenues in the department and new trainings because this is a great time for him to do so. If your husband has opportunities to add to his resume, make sure you can support him in those as much as possible! For a family in so cal, him doing trainings up north isn’t always ideal but they can be great connections made, ideas learned and even fun family adventures if you have the means to do that with him.

For our family?
I am hoping to get more organized with the idea of homeschooling these littles one day. By starting now with toddler activities and preschool lessons to get my head wrapped around what it would look like.
Maybe a move? Maybe a remodel? Maybe an addition? (In more ways than one) Only God knows those answers but we are opening our hearts and minds for what He does have planned for us this year and going to take it day by day, step by step knowing He has the best plans laid out for us if we just continue to walk with Him. Trusting he has made us just for this journey.

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:33‬ ‭CSB‬‬

So here is to 2020! May it be a blessed one for you and yours!

Proverbs 31 LEO wife

What a week to decide to have a mindset shift!

Let me start off by saying, C watch families are some strong families!

This past week, command has been hard on my husband about a big case he picked up last year that has still been hanging over his head. All of a sudden it is "why isn't this finished". 🙄 I'm not even going to get into the fact that he shouldn't have had the main handle on this case in the first place. Anyway, a deadline was given and OT was agreed on so basically my husband has been working 7-5, dinner and play with kids till bed time, back to work till about midnight- 1am, all week. Actually, tonight they just decided to stay at work and power through as long as they can.

Now, last week me would be pissed. Last week me would have been exhausted. She would have been angry with the command. She would have been annoyed with her husband leaving her all alone with the kids. Last week, I wouldn't have been able to sleep without him next to me. Last week me probably would have lost it at some point.

But, thankfully, God prepared me, prepared my heart and my mind for this.

The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will not lack anything good.
¹² She rewards him with good, not evil,
all the days of her life.
Proverbs 31:11-12 (CSB)

Being an understanding, supportive wife is so much more as a LEO wife. We are honestly at the mercy of job. When duty calls, we must have their backs. We must not make home life more stressful because we are upset with what is going on at work. And I am not saying that it easy by any means! Daily I am frustrated with the stories my husband comes home with. But my job isn't to fix that. Its to find what my husband needs from me to make it through that and be the best support possible!

And this CHP family life is not that bad people. They make decent money. Enough for us to live on just his income with 2 kids and a morgage, and honestly then some. My job is to raise amazing little humans, which consist of Disneyland trips, library storytimes, children church gatherings, playdates, mom group, time with grammy and papa... all while he is working. Of course there are the tantrums,
fighting, screaming, misbehaving, not eating but God created me to handle all of that, and honestly then some. This life may not be easy but oh is it worth every minute of it!

So tonight I am grateful for a husband that followed his dream to the CHP and provides this family with a life I could only have dreamed of. I know he may have to miss out on a few things here and there to provide it but it will never go unnoticed. It will never be unappreciated. We will keep creating as many amazing memories as we can to make sure daddy is always a part of them. ❤

Surround yourself with Gratefulness

As we head into the holidays, it always is a hard time for some and a joyous time for others. I like to remind myself (and others, if I can) that whatever we surround ourselves with is what we will be. The people we are around, the topics we discuss, the music we listen to, the tv we watch, the books we read. Raising little humans with a LEO can put me in a very negative spot by the end of the day. Like my husband being “on call” because California is up in flames and they may need him somewhere. Or getting court on a day off that you have had something special planned for like a month. My child(ren) can go all day misbehaving, not listening to a single thing I have to say. My husband can have a rough day of feeling inadequate and unappreciated. I am just suppose to hold it all together for them.  But you know what, most days I can because I prepare myself to do just that.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 ¹⁶Rejoice always, ¹⁷pray continually, ¹⁸give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

I find myself in my Bible more and more. Reading/listening to more books/podcast about the Bible and living a Christian life. The music that is on is either Christian or Country (really what's the difference lol). The news is the last thing I watch. I have to have my head and my heart in the right place to be the Christ-driven mom and the wife I need to be for my family

Now by all means I am far, far, FAR from perfect! But I have so much to be grateful for that I want to make sure I am living a life worthy of what I have been given. And with life's daily struggles we can get caught up in, it can be very hard to get ourselves out and remember just how truly blessed we are.

So here is what I am going to do. I am starting a gratitude journal so that every night I can remember just how much God is blessing over this family for the next 30 days and hopefully from there on out. So I want to challenge you to do the same! Now I am a very visual person so I search online and found a great 30 prompting I can follow the next month. I found this one at Picking Daisies Blog

Hopefully by Dec 1st I can share the difference it has made for me and my family these next 30 days.

About last night

Last night my husband got out his class A uniform, made sure his brass was shined enough, extra shined his boots, grabbed his nice hat put it all together for today. This is done when something really good has happened or really bad... unfortunately, he is on his way to a CHP officers memorial.

Last week, while doing a routine traffic stop, a motor officer was shot to death in a crazy freeway shootout. 2 other officers were wounded. If you didn't notice, the word ROUTINE was used. Driver broke a law, officer pulled him over, ran his information and decided the proper action for situation. While the officer was filling out paperwork, the suspect decided he didn't like the outcome and pulled a gun. (that he didn't get legally of course, in case any was wondering 🙄)

It was the first time I was on edge about learning more about the situation and the officers involved. It was the first time my heart sank that maybe it could be someone we know. It was the first time I felt the need to reach out to other wives and make sure everyone else was okay. It was way too close to home.

Last night my husband probably didn't even notice that I was quiet because it was one of the first times I was actually hurting and a bit scared about this job. I am really big on being a strong, supportive LEO wife. I knew what my husband was getting into when he signed up. I knew what I was getting into by marrying him still. So supportive I will always be. Choosing faith over fear is what I always do. But last night, I'm quiet. Last night, I had a pain in stomach and couldn't sleep. Last night, I tried not to cry knowing another wife is having to say goodbye to her husband of only a short time all because some guy didn't like him doing his job.  Last night, my heart truly felt the heaviness of this thin blue line.

Now, of course, this doesn't mean my thoughts of what it means to be a LEO wife have changed. But accepting these thoughts, these feelings and going through them are good. I'm human, and I can't let my emotions get the best of me but I can feel them and I can find the guidance I need to work through them.

Psalm 91

¹ Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
    will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
² This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
    he is my God, and I trust him.
³ For he will rescue you from every trap
    and protect you from deadly disease.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers.
    He will shelter you with his wings.
    His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
⁵ Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,
    nor the arrow that flies in the day.
⁶ Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,
    nor the disaster that strikes at midday.
⁷ Though a thousand fall at your side,
    though ten thousand are dying around you,
    these evils will not touch you.
⁸ Just open your eyes,
    and see how the wicked are punished.

⁹ If you make the Lord your refuge,
    if you make the Most High your shelter,
¹⁰ no evil will conquer you;
    no plague will come near your home.
¹¹ For he will order his angels
    to protect you wherever you go.
¹² They will hold you up with their hands
    so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.
¹³ You will trample upon lions and cobras;
    you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!

¹⁴ The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.
    I will protect those who trust in my name.
¹⁵ When they call on me, I will answer;
    I will be with them in trouble.
    I will rescue and honor them.
¹⁶ I will reward them with a long life
    and give them my salvation.”

So tonight I will laugh with him a little more, hug him a little tighter, kiss a littler longer, and hold on to what we have now. Reality may be setting in but our faith will always get us through it.

Choosing Joy

Lets just put it all out there... the life of an officer's wife can been stressful enough. Now let's add 2 under 2 (graduate) to the mix and take away an income. I have every right to be stressed out, wigged out crazy most days. 

But I have even more of an obligation to choose to be joyful instead! Just so you know my favorite band is For King and Country and their song “Joy” is totally the inspiration I get for this.

You see, I am a planner. I love my calendar app. I like having a daily schedule. I like to be organized. Everything has a place. But as an officer's wife plans can change in an instant (or just being married to my husband can do that too, sorry babe lol) God knows that kids don't believe in schedules and to top it off they are a GIANT mess, especially 2 toddlers. 

I was noticing that I was being really harsh with my husband and my kids when I really didn't need to be. I was closing myself off from them too so I could "take a break" (check fb/play a phone game/stupid stuff) so I could be ready to handle them. 

I like to laugh with God when I think about where I am in life right now. Good one buddy! You got me! Thanks for all the teachings hahaha now can I have my life back now...

That's not how it works, so I am (finally) choosing to really (and I mean really) just give it all up to God and go with the flow of the day (day by day) and choose to be happy with every situation that is thrown my way throughout the day. Some days are WAY harder than I think it should be while other days so me just how blessed to be in love with my best friend and have these 2 beautiful babies to teach and help grow to be amazing people. Most people don't live this but I do and I need to be grateful and show that daily. This doesn't mean I can't get upset, but I am not letting that upset ruin a whole day. 

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12 ESV

I could go on and explain how my children really decided to test me last week and see if I could handle being joyful all day (insert my youngest screaming bloody murder as we walk into the happiest place on earth, all the way up till we get to the castle. Its Disneyland for heaven's sake! There's no crying at Disneyland!)

Below are a few verses I keep on my phone to read and pray on when I notice I am getting in a mood. Remember, this is a beautiful life we have been given! We get to choose how we feel about our situations and from now on I am choosing joy!

“In every situation take up the shield of faith with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.”
Ephesians 6:16 CSB

“Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in everything; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 CSB

“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”
Romans 12:12 ESV

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
James 1:2-4 ESV

“do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:6-7 ESV

2 under 2... and a trainee

This past month has been crazy! My husband is an FTO (field training officer) and this past mo th he has had a phase 3 (month 3 on) trainee. Pretty sure I hate road life and/or FTO life now. I was thinking “third phase this should be good! He should have his shit together and be on top of stuff so that he can be ready to go out alone. Third phase should be awesome”. ABSOLUTELY WRONG! I’m pretty sure my husband worked 16 hour days 90% of the month! Meaning dinner? Just me and the kids. Bath time? Just me and the kids. Bed time? Just me and the kids! He was going days without seeing his kids. It has been insane! I have never wanted 8 hour shifts so bad before! Now I can get over it and do what needs to be done, and my daughter is too young to notice dad not around. But my son would just break my heart. Now he would act like he understood when I would say “sorry buddy daddy’s at work” but some nights he would just stand by the door and say “dada” over and over. Teaching your children this LEO life is harder than I thought it was going to be.

But with the bad, comes the good! There was an in office position opening up as all this was going on and my husband was interested. After a lot of discussion and prayer we decided it was worth applying for. The worst things were going with the trainee the better this position was looking. And thankfully he got an interview and even better the position! Shift work has been so much harder with 2 under 2 than I ever thought it was going to be. But this new office life hours should be nice! Knowing he will always be home at 4:45, always knowing he has weekends and holidays off. Being able to actually plan the next year will be amazing!

So I am feeling like my favorite verse goes perfect with this month.
“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭6:9‬ ‭NIV‬‬
There are always going to be trails, but how we handle them to make it through is what makes the end even sweeter. God always has a great plan for us, we just have to keep moving forward and trusting in him.

Rolling with the punches

So it seems like life is throwing a few curve balls our way lately...
1. The surprise of our daughter coming this December.
2. CHP getting rid of 12 hour shifts as of Jan 1, 2018, and the state only allowing 8 or 9 hour shifts till they can figure out this 10 hour thing.

If it was just one or the other I think I would be able to manage a lot better but both at the same time is really making things hard! I currently work as a part time high school teacher. It is awesome! I only work 2x a week and I get to do what I love (outside from being a wife and mom of course). This works perfect with my husbands schedule. Hes on 3, off 4 or on 4 off 3 and we just make sure that days he has off are the days I teach. Perfect right?

Now I knew I was going to take 6 months off when my daughter is born. Taking care of 2 under 2 does not sound easy and I want to get as adjusted as I can. But now with the changes I feel like life after Jan 1st is completely up in the air. If his office is going to 8 hours, that means working 5 days a week. There is no way I will be able to work. I am not sending my kids to day care just so I can pay for it teaching. That makes no sense. And honestly my husband and I already decided that we wanted to raise our children. We are blessed to live perfectly comfortable on his income that there is no reason we should be having someone else influence our children so early on. But I am so torn! I love being mommy! It is really the best feeling in the world but it really is the hardest job ever. Being a teacher gives me a break from mom to remember I am something else. Although my commute is awful, its a really great feeling. The idea of not coming back to it for longer than 6 months has me feeling so stuck.

Maybe it is because so much is still all up in the air with them trying to decide if they are really going to let them do 10s and if my husbands office is going to choose that too. I just really wish someone would make a decision already so I can move forward with things! I am such a planner and life after Jan 1st so not decided and it's making me crazy!


So I keep trying to recite this verse in my head
Jeremiah 29:11 11For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I know that God has great plans for this family, and for me specifically. I just have to be all trusting in what lies ahead knowing that He has it. Actually, yesterday my pastor was talking about this too and used the analogy of a parade. When you are there you only see float by float but God is overhead and can see the whole things and knows exactly what you are in for. Thought this was such a great visual. I have to stay excited for the next float that is coming our way. This float has been great but what could be next?

The American Dream

So I want to get back to writing again. I have seen so many complain about the life of a LEO wife/family and I find it quite annoying. LOL Yes this life has many ups and downs. But the one thing I always go back to is I chose this life just as much as he did. I knew my husband wanted to be an officer of some kind when we were dating many years ago. So it wasn't a surprise when he got into the CHP. I knew what we were getting into. I knew it wasn't going to be all roses and rainbows. I knew he would miss holidays and family events. I knew that he could get called to court with days notice. I knew he wasn't going to be off work right on time after every shift. I'm not saying it's easy, AT ALL, but I'm saying I knew what to expect (somewhat) before he accepted the position and we said "I do".  If I was not willing to do this life, I would have walked away but I love my husband and was ready for the journey God had for us and our family. So I really hate to say it but "suck it up buttercup!" It's a journey that will have you laughing, crying, screaming, and loving every step of the way.

So I want to continue this blog to share our ups and downs and share that we are getting through it. And even better we are thriving through it. So it's been a year since I have written anything and life is really crazy beautiful! We now have an adorable 11 month old son, W, who has just changed our world for the better. But even more now, we are 17 weeks pregnant with our 2nd!!! It took so long for us to get pregnant with W I never imagined God would bless us with another one so quickly! We are so excited for our little Christmas miracle coming. So here we are, the Officer and the Teacher, almost 2 kids, a cat & dog, homeowners, almost debt free from college... seriously the American Dream. I hate to say that sometimes but then again we have worked hard to get where we are and are trusting and praising God every step of the way! This LEO family life has blessed us so much to be where we are. Again, not saying I am not pissed when he gets a late accident and I am doing dinner, playtime, bathtime and bed all on my own while pregnant. But when he does get off on time and walks through that door safely another day and W yells "dads" with a huge smile on his face, every bit of the downs are 100% worth it! So stay positive, stay humble, stay happy even when it's hard because it will get better and it will be worth it!

Edited:
I wrote this before church this morning yet I felt like my pastor was speaking exactly how I was feeling about this! So here are my notes from service because it goes so well and having God's word through this life is exactly what we need!

Hebrews 12:1-2 NKJV

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

1. Resilient people practice self control- 2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV- “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” Resilient people have a plan, and have a contingency plan... and so on. Get a grip, plan ahead and move on with their lives. Everything does not come easily! "I was not born with a silver spoon, but I had a spoon"- Pastor. You have to plug in to get it. The longer we push the limits, the stronger our faith becomes. 

Everything is happening at once!

I just love my church. I just love that God always has whoever is preaching to say exactly what I need to hear! And I almost didn't go today because I didn't get much sleep last night but God got me up and I know why. Today's verses:

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.”

1 Peter 5:6-11 NIV

http://bible.com/111/1pe.5.6-11.niv

So there is a lot going on in life right now. Let's start with my husband. WE'RE GOING BACK TO A WATCH!!! 😄 tonight is actually his last C watch shift (at least for 3 month, or if he take OT) but I don't care. We can have dinner together again. I get to sleep again! Oh how I miss sleep when he is not here. I know he has had a lot of fun on C watch and he will be "low man" on A watch but I just need good sleep again, everyday! Lol Another thing is that he finished FTO (field training officer) training so he can officially train the new boots coming in, I think mid Oct too. And if so he is more than likely to get a training this first round because they normally train on A watch first. There could be some real fun stories coming soon. He is still training for motor as well but he seems a bit discouraged. I know he was saying the other day how he has his whole career to do motor. I just don't want him to not do it because he is scared. He is a perfectionist and he doesn't feel like he gets to train enough to actually go back to Sacramento and do the 2 week training/testing. Hopefully he finds his peace and can figure it out. I think FTO will be fun for him for now.

Now my life. Not only are we back in school with almost my part time schedule completely filled, it's time to get ready for the holidays with my business. Oh and did I mention that I am a in charge of a fundraiser this month for the non-profit I volunteer for. Sounds manageable right? This is where that verse was exactly what I needed to hear. I am always so anxious with so much going on. Learning to cast all that on Him and stand firm in my faith is so hard but so easy at the same time. 

Oh and did I forget to mention we are about a year and half into not being on birth control so that's getting a bit nerve racking. A little tired of peeing on a stick and seeing nothing. Oh yeah, and we are buying a house! Seriously? I spoke this one into existence. Like 6 months ago I was like "I swear if I am moving, pregnant, getting ready for holidays all during the month on October I am going to go nuts!" Be careful what you asks for right? 

And then I went to church today and heard this lovely message. 😊 Honestly, when I look at all that is going on in my life these are not sufferings, THESE ARE SO MANY BLESSINGS!!! So many people would kill to have a teaching job they love at a school they love, a business they love with customers that love them, being able to have the time to volunteer for a non-profit and help make a difference in the community, START A FAMILY, BUY A HOUSE! And all at the ripe age of 28. I mean when God makes it rain! But it's the devil that is trying to make me feel stressed, weak, anxious.... BUT I REFUSE! My students are awesome! My business is booming and I love every minute of it! This fundraiser is going to be better than the last one and done with complete freedom and ease! Our family will start just at the right time God has planned! The right house will be available to us at the right price and it will be perfect! I seriously am so humbled by all the blessing God keeps pouring down on us. I just want to be a example to others to show His amazing Glory and all that came come when you accept Christ and live the life he has planned for you! 

So breathe, pray, read His word and know that everything is going to be okay! 

Too much time to think...

The thing I hate most about grave shift is there is so much alone time. And some people would this. Me? I HATE IT! I am a person who is way too much in my own head so when I am alone I over analyze everything. With the husband going back to work tonight after about a week off I have a lot of emotion to go through from this past week. It all came flooding to the surface when I saw one of the most beautiful pictures of a friend and her family.

I want that. That look on her husband's face and he is holding their child. I just cried. Really crying still. It was perfect. And it just felt like this is never going to be a reality for me. And I know that is not true. I have no idea what God's plan is for us. It just feels so far away right now. So I was searching online just for some words of wisdom and found this site 

http://www.hipsterhomemaker.com/things-you-never-say-to-a-person-struggling-with-infertility/

We don't really struggle with infertility, just the ability to make this work at the right now right now lol. But I still want to share these past few weeks and connect her "things to say" with some "rules" of my own. 

About 2 weeks ago, while preparing things for a baby shower for another CHP wife, my mom told me I had to call my sister. Obviously talking about baby stuff and she randomly tells me this, she's saying she pregnant. So I got to hear the news from her which was awesome but awful too because she was afraid to tell me because she knows we are "trying" too. I mean my sister has been "trying" for 6 years so of course I would be happy. Rule #1: don't be afraid to share your joy with me! Yes I may find it hard (depending on who you are lol) but it is still an amazing thing and would love to share in that joy! But if I don't want to talk about it, that's okay too.

But along with that I'll give Rule #2: don't feel bad for us, especially don't show it. At the baby shower, we had a nice intimate group. The conversation some how came up to how long the women with children took to conceive. And they started discussing how hard it would be for it to be longer than I think the 4 months one of them took. Here we are almost a year and do I say something about it? Obviously people didn't know we have been "trying" so do I speak up or just keep my silence. I find that silence doesn't help anyone so I chose to speak up. This is hard. Every month when AF shows up and all I want to do is cry and wonder what is wrong with me. But we need love, prayer, support not pity. 

This is I guess a good time for Rule #3:I need someone to ask me how I am doing sometimes and be willing to see the tears. Last week I was having all kind of "symptoms" but I try not to get too excited because my PMS symptoms are like every pregnancy symptom in the book. But in the same day my sister found out she was/will be miscarrying and AF was suppose to show and she wasn't there yet. So many emotion and no one to talk to. And when AF did finally show the next day, no comments were made. No conversation about how crappy it was or maybe next time. Nothing. I feel so alone at times. I want to scream inside and I suck it up and stay strong and act like its nothing. I guess that's where this blog comes in right? 

But Rule #4:I love "baby time"! It reminds me of the joys that will come if we do not lose faith. Yes I want to hold, feed, play, sing, walk, and even change your baby lol. You need a break and I need love so let's make it work. I guess I can't say his for everyone but for me it is so therapeutic. But also know I will not bother you. You have kids, I don't so I find it awkward to be like "hey let's hang out, get coffee." 

I think that is all the "rules" I have for now lol. So to connect this with our CHP life... What is with CHP families and their millions of kids! I feel like everyone is a stay at home mom with like 3-4 kids. It just makes introductions awkward. Everyone doing their intros and talking about all their kids and here I am... I work. I mean I really love my CHP wives. There is nothing like being a part of this family. This family will go above and beyond for one another in a crisis. But not having a child makes a big disconnect in it sometimes too. You can tell people don't know how to talk to me because I just work. Asking about kids and getting all involved in those conversation are easy but work can only go so far. Especially when I mention my business. God forbid sometime people think I am just there to sell them something, like anywhere of course. But when you don't have kids you can only talk about their kids for so long.

But I know things will change. This is all still so new. Kids will come in due time. I just need to talk it through all the time and keep remind myself. But hopefully someone is reading this and is finally feeling like they are not alone! This is okay to talk about. We need to talk. We need to share our stories more and more so people know it is normal and okay and they will make it through. 

Hopefully I don't need to talk about this anymore... Only one more month on graves (hopefully), motor training up north and buying our first home by the end of the year! Here is to the next 3 months of life changing events!!! :)

Deaths, Births.... it's all a part of life...

These past 2 weeks has been challenging ones. In the matter of about 36 hours I had a friend of mine pas away suddenly and another friend bring her life into the world with her son. Talk about a roller coaster ride of emotions. 

This friend of mine was one of the sweetest guys I have ever had the privilege of getting to know. The hardest part for me was the last time  had a chance to really get to talk to him. We had meet about 5 years ago and hung out a lot over that first year or two. But like many friendship, life happens, we get busy and we don't make the same time for people. Every now and then we were comment on FB just to stay connected. The shock of his lost hit me like I had never felt before. But at the same time I had this very strange sense of peace


John 14:1-4 “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.”



I know he had an amazing heart. I know that God had his own plans for us and honestly maybe he used this loss for many of us to open our eyes and remember what is important and to reconnect those of us who had become too busy. Either way he is a guy who will always be remembered and I know he is just smiling down on us for making sure we celebrated his life the way he wanted us to. 

The day after I found out about his death was probably the hardest because I had to just go on like nothing ever happened and my heart just wasn't ready yet. But when I was feeling my saddest, I got to see the best picture, my friend had just given birth to her amazing handsome new son. From a heart filled with sorrow to a heart so overfilled with love and excitement for this new chapter in their lives and to be so blessed to be sharing in their excitement.  

Romans 8:26-28 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[i] have been called according to his purpose. 

These verses seemed to fit this whole ride all into a few verses. Weakness was the best way to put how I felt. Or maybe helpless. And I had no idea what to say to God. I was praying but I felt like all I could do was ask question after question waiting for answers. Here is that answer, Its all God's will. For me, maybe I needed to feel that loss to remember how amazing and blessed we are, especially when new life is brought. Holding that 6 day old little boy was one of the most amazing feelings! This little God given miracle, who knows what is in store for him, Knowing that God has a plan and we are to enjoy each and every day we are given because we have no idea when it is our time to be called back home. 

"Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth." 

I have no idea where this saying started or if that is even the right way to put it but they kept saying it at his celebration of life. This friend lived and loved like every day was his last. Maybe he knew something all of us didn't. Maybe I am over thinking all of it. But most of all I hope me being able to talk out all of these feelings helps someone else in the process of life and loss. We have an amazing God and we may not always understand all that is going on but He will always take us where we need to go. 

5 

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight

What's next for me?

Okay so the first year is over and he is on to the next thing but what about me? Well, being 27, having a pretty successful business, a successful teacher career as well and a very happy and fulfilling marriage with an amazingly Godly man who just loves his career too. Everyone seems to think there is just one thing left to do... have babies!

I think I have been pulled into this trap of feeling so underachieving since we haven't yet. People keep asking about it... I even had 2 people at church touch my belly and start asking questions. Do I look pregnant? How is this okay??? This is seriously something I have no control over and there is so much expectation for it. Believe me if I could just snap my fingers and do it I would but God has his own plan. I don't know how to tell people to leave it alone until we say that it is time. All it seems to do is create this worry, anxiousness and inadequacy in me which is not good at all.

Yesterday I pretty much had an emotional breakdown about it all. I just started crying out of nowhere and couldn't stop it either. Completely freaking out my husband of course. We had such a great dinner and we get home and ready for bed when I just roll over and cry. I was just filled with so much emotion over "why is this not happening?" and "can I even handle it when the time come?" and so much more kept going through my head. After of 30 minutes of fighting my husband not wanting to talk about it, he just started praying over me. Seriously, there is nothing better in the world than having such an amazing man of God as my partner in life. And of course he said exactly what I needed to hear and that is when everything came out like a flood!

"Why is this taking so long?"
"What if something is wrong?"
"People have 'accidents' all the time, why is it when some try it takes forever?"
"Why can other people just get it right the first time?"
"What if I can't handle it?"
"Are we really ready?"
"Why do I want this so bad?"
"Why do I feel like God is playing with my emotions?"
"What else can we do?"
"Is there something I am missing?"

Being at peace with something you have no control over is probably the hardest things ever. But like I have said before I believe I am a strong woman of God. Most of the time I am at peace with all that is going on in life and can just go with the flow. But we are all human and my human side loves to remind me how crazy life can be and throw me into some awful emotional states. But one of my favorite verses that always plays in my head during those times is
Philippians 4:13 "I Can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"

So today I decided to open up and read what leads up to this verse and God was really trying to show me peace...
10 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me.Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Wow! Being content is really where is all begins. If I am content with my family and my life the way it is, God will continue to bless me and my family. He hasn't failed me, what makes me worry like he would now?

So basically I hope someone learns something from all of this, other than just me of course, (Which this is amazing therapeutic! If you have never blogged yourself, you should try it. You can talk yourself through a lot and maybe help others too)
-If you know if a couple who is "trying" leave them alone about it. Stop asking. Stop bringing it up. When it happens, they will be more than happy to share the big news. I
-If you are going through it yourself, remember God has amazing plans for you and it is REALLY hard sometimes to just relax and enjoy the journey He has when you want something so exciting. Be happy, content and at peace about as much as you can.
-Its okay to be human and breakdown, just remember to fallback on the one who love you and can lead you back to your true peace in God. :)

One year as an Officer's wife :) what now?

Today marks the 1st anniversary of CTC-II-13 graduation! I cannot believe that a whole year has already flown by! I couldn't be more proud of my husband and to be a part of the CHP family.  So what to do now that probation is over and he can relax and enjoy? More training of course!

Last week my husband stated his training process to be a CHP motor officer. Most people I talk to love to ask "are you afraid?" Seriously? First and foremost people, do not ask a wife if she is afraid of her husbands job. Even if I was do i need your pity? Okay that may be a little harsh but come on. I got it the whole time he was in the process to get into the academy, then in the academy and then during probation. I get my husband has a dangerous job and it can be scary.

But here is where I get to really give my two cents on the whole thing. I am very proud that my husband and I have a very strong and secure foundation in God first, especially when it comes to this family. This is not something we just jumped into. Lots of prayers have gone up! And nothing but peace and comfort have come down. As a woman of God I know that I do not control when my time or my husbands time is up. That being said, if he feels like he is being called to this position in his career who am I not to trust God's plan? When he first told me he wanted to be a CHP officer, i'll admit, I laughed and said sure whatever you said. The it opened and he worked his butt off to get into that academy and to graduate. I knew God had a different plan in store for our family. When talk came up about being a motor, about 6 months ago , I laughed again and told him no way. I the matter of a week I had 2 people I had met (1 died, other had major recovery process to go through but did) and 1 family hit on their motorcycles (just banged up a bit). But he kept being it up and I knew it was something that wasn't going to go away. So having a conversation about it was due. I knew that God gave my husband great peace this journey He was taking him through so why should I not have that same peace?

So yes I get scared at times and yes it does make me nervous but I have an awesome God who has this amazing plan for my family so I trust that we are following Him. Besides my husband is learning how to ride with the best of the best so he must be in good hands. The CHP family only wants to see him accomplish great things too. :) Here are a few verses I like to play over and over in my head when the fear does get stronger.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Psalm 32:8 "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you."

1/2 way done w/ week 3

So haven't been able to talk to John much these past 2 days. They got in trouble last week so they have PT every morning @ 4 because of it. So he needs to get some rest before each day so he goes to bed around 9:30-10 if he can. But Monday started the EVOC (driving) training In the classrooms. He is really excited about that. They told him that the reason most people fail out of EVOC is because they psych themselves out. They will teach his everything he needs to know about driving if he just listens and focuses. So I feel so much better about it too. When he gets relief, I get relief. So he got to be in the car when one of the trainers did a 360 on the skid pan. He said it was awesome! Spoken like a true boy. Lol but I love hearing his excitement. They have been running for obstacles in their Cadet uniforms which have been hard but good. 

He passed his first LD test this week w/ 100%. (With me to help him study of course lol) and he said he felt really good about the 2nd one too. So when he gets 100% he doesn't have homework which is awesome and makes things a bit easier. He can let go and move on to the next thing. They have definition for EVOC that they will be tested on tomorrow so he has been able to just focus on that, the penal codes and vehicles codes. He sounds tired but he also sounds like he found his grove, getting things down. I love getting to hear his joke with his roommates and laugh a little. 

He will be coming home for the weekend next week which I cannot wait for! It lets me take a deep breath when I know I will see him soon. I have something to work towards and look forward too.  And we did decide to change the wedding date back a week to November 29th, the Friday after Thanksgiving. We then don't have to stress about him coming home then going back and then coming home again for thanksgiving. I know it will throw off a few people but that's okay. What's important is that he will have less stress about it and we actually will get to enjoying being married for at least a day! So I am just waiting for the confirmation with the venue to make sure the time is good so I can send out the invites and get this ball rolling once again. So look for that! Until next time :)