Powerless

Powerless... that's how my husband put it. Over the past few months, I have had a day here and there where I just want to be upset. I want to stay in bed. I don't want to hang out, be happy, do anything. Its hard at times for  Christian to feel this way. I am always a positive person. I know that God has me all the time and that makes this life a beautiful thing. But somedays, lately, it feels far from it.

The kids wake up screaming at each other

Keyboard warriors at it again

LEO wives asking for prayer bc theirs destruction in their area, or the government is not backing up their department, their significant other is back out at it again and they are scared.

Everything is closing up again

Being a SAHM, LEOW during all this is probably the worst possible thing. I think the only thing that could make it worse is if my kids were school aged bc homeschool through this would be a nightmare. Just preschool homeschool is. But it for sure has pulled me deep into the word.

 

16 But I have raised you up[a] for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth. Exodus 9:16

This was a verse in a devotional a read the day after talking to my husband about all I was feeling.  If that wasn't God talking straight to me about feeling so powerless, then I don't know how the big the sign would need to be. LOL I will not let the loud minority make me feel powerless when I am a Child of God. I may not have to fight every battle online but I will not be quiet. I will wear my blue line gear with pride. I will go outside, to a park, and play with my kids. I will enjoy time and open conversations with friends and family in person. 

17 I urge you, brothers and sisters, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them. 18 For such people are not serving our Lord Christ, but their own appetites. By smooth talk and flattery they deceive the minds of naive people. Romans 16:17-18

But I will keep bringing up scripture. I will equip myself, my heart and my mind with the word of God to back it up and share with everyone who is willing to have a conversation. I will find God's power when I am feeling my most powerless.  

BTW, if you haven't read the book "Stop Calling Me Beautiful" by Phylicia Masonheimer, I highly recommend you get it! We need to get deep and dirty into the Gospel.  

Do not mistake my silence

I wholeheartedly believe if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

 

Proverbs 12:18

There is one who speaks rashly, like a piercing sword; but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

 

Proverbs 15:1

A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.

 

James 1:26

If anyone thinks he is religious without controlling his tongue, his religion is useless and he deceives himself.

 

Matthew 15:10-11

¹⁰ Summoning the crowd, he told them, “Listen and understand: ¹¹ It’s not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth—this defiles a person.”

 

Proverbs 18:21

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

 

Proverbs 21:23

The one who guards his mouth and tongue keeps himself out of trouble.

 

Pslams 19:14

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable to you, Lord, my rock and my Redeemer.

 

Pslams 34:13

Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from deceitful speech.

 

Luke 6:45

A good person produces good out of the good stored up in his heart. An evil person produces evil out of the evil stored up in his heart, for his mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart.

 

Matthew 5:43-44

“You have heard that it was said, Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,

 

Proverbs 11:9

With his mouth the ungodly destroys his neighbor, but through knowledge the righteous are rescued.

 

Should I keep going?

 

So here is… if you want change, GO BE IT! Stop talking about it. Stop demanding it and step up! You want to see better police officers? Make it a job worth having. Respect them and the sacrifices they make to protect and serve our community. Don’t believe they are doing enough? The get yourself in a position to make the change you want to see in these types of departments. Do you think that saying F*** the police, pigs, ACAB, kill the police is going to get good men and women out there everyday to be what we need them to be? Would you really want that job? So many agencies have lowered… yes! Lowered! Their standards for officers because they just need more of them who are willing in todays climate. 

For the people who say “one bad apple is one too many”. True! But do we say the same thing when a teacher is accused to “sexual assault” on a student? Reform on all education and how teachers are employed! The few doctors who are killing us with prescription drug addictions. Where is the outcry of that one? 

Bias exists! If you want to disagree with me, I will be happy to have that conversation on how you do it, probably every day. It’s human nature. Our experiences define us, mold our thinking. Today, we are also heavily influenced by the media/social media because it is such a huge part of our lives. But we can control it, we can control what we read, what we watch and make sure that we are only putting good in. What are you choosing to listen to?

Equality is here. Some may have to work harder to achieve certain things but it is there for the taking. We all have the opportunity to a higher education. We all have the choice to pay for it. Did you catch that word? Choices!!! We are the choices that we make. But the best part is every day we can make new choices! Maybe if we stopped valuing the entertainment industry and making millions of dollars to get out of poverty and started focusing on that education to get there, the jobs that could be reached if we tried, we would see a lot more of it. 

Now here is where I get dirty. I have a hard time with the Black Lives Matter movement. I spent 13 years attending a prominently black church. Some of the most God-fearing people I know. I love my previous church family. You want to know what God says about your situation, just ask and they have a list of verses to get you through it. But it was also very eye opening to how even though they were there Sunday morning saying “Amen!” to what pastor was saying, they were not living and breathing it throughout the week. Especially our age group.  Don’t get me wrong! I am not talking about everyone of course. I know this happens at every church out there. People of all race, sex, education background… people are going to church to show something not to actually learn the word and live the mission. And get it straight, I am not perfect!!! But how can I help change a heart that isn’t listening?  I can teach, love, inspire those people all I want but it has to come from inside. If they are not being “fed” at home, someone else will teach them their ways. I am happily here to help too. I will be here, every step of the way, to help you have a voice, for sure, but I am not going to act like an outside voice of a community is going to make a change if they are not going to do it for themselves. Rule 6 of Jordan Petersons “12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos” – “Set Your house in perfect order before you criticize the world.” Now we know things will never “perfect” but if you are trying to tell people to stop doing something and then turn around and do it yourself, why do you think things will change. Start where you can. Start at home. Start in your local community and when you set the example then you show others how it is done.

We have to stop yelling and we have to start listening to each other. Stop living on your emotions and think things through. Let’s have a conversation. Let’s have a discussion. Let’s stop fighting and start being responsible, loving human beings.

FInding a Happy Place

Yesterday would have been a Disneyland day. I know, first world problems, but hear me out.

Where do you go when life just seems too much? Where do you go for a break? Especially when you have young kids. Where is that happy place that can reset you to be a better mom, wife?

Mine is Disneyland. It really is the Happiest Place on Earth for me. It was where we had our first date (downtown Disney), it was where we spent our first year dating/getting to know each other, it was where we got engaged, it was where we spent our honeymoon, it has been where we celebrate our kids birthdays. It is filled with amazing memories, a safe place to be a mom of 2 young kids, and my true happy place.

But since March it has been closed, along with the rest of the world. I have be on "shelter in place" with a 2 and 3 year old. So since this has started, there has not been many breaks. Someone needs something from mama at all times. "Get me a snack", "play with me", "wipe my tushy". On top of laundry, breakfast/lunch/dinner, grocery shopping, clean house. Lets not even add that my 2 year old love to ear piercing scream in excitement, anger, sadness, and every other emotion she has. 

It's not like any of this is new (except now I have 2 "wipe my tushy" instead of 1, potty training) but now the times where I am more than just these things are few and far between. Especially when bigger crimes are happening AND the nation decides to protest police because of the actions of one bad apple. Not only am I not getting a break from handling all at home for at least a little bit when daddy walks through the door, but now lets add worry. anxiety, stress of my husband at work on top of it all. 

I'm officially done. I am wiped out. I am on empty. No matter how much I am reminded of the amazing things God is doing and will continue to do, I am just done.

I miss people. I miss hugs.  I miss park time. I miss watching my littles make friends. I miss going on adventures with my littles. I miss seeing peoples smiles. I miss getting dressed up for date night.(we did get 1 last week!) I miss just going to get ice cream with my family without having to think "do I need a mask? do my kids need masks?". If someone wants to tell me that masks are the new normal I might just have to punch them in the face and share that's my new normal. (okay, not really but it might make me feel better lol)

I guess the hardest part is as things are starting to open and get back to business, things involving children have not and probably won't for awhile. Children are messy, dirty, germy creatures. They are not going to wear masks. They are going to touch everyone and everything. The world doesn't know how to handle that which means they will be on lockdown even longer. Which means SAHMs will be on lockdown even longer. 

So where do we go? How do I find that balance again of enjoying my children and keeping my sanity. Where can they run around safely and it be a mini mental break for mama? Or at least wear them out enough so they nap and give mama a mental break then. (Naptime has been a NIGHTMARE lately). 

And then guilt hits me. If I am feeling this way, how are all my other mamas doing? Why am I too concerned about myself to check in on them? Or anyone else? 

Today, I will be continually work on my kids being okay with playing with just one another instead of asking mama every 5 mins. Today I will try to do the things that need to get done while they are playing instead of hoping an praying for naptime. Today I am not cooking because I don't need to. Today I might actually reach out for help instead of waiting around for someone to offer it. Today I will open my Bible, turn on my music and keep listening to what God has for me. 

Isaiah 41:13

For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. 

Psalm 23 1:5

The LORD is my shepherd; I have what I need. He lets me lie down in green pastures; he leads me beside quiet waters. He renews my life; he leads me along the right paths for his name's sake. Even when I go through the darkest valley. I fear no danger, for you are with me; your rod and your staff- they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Matthew 11:28

"Come to me , all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest"

Philippians 4:7

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. 

Frustration is rising

With all that is going on lately, everyone is talking about how to handle it. Anxiety, depression, seperation.. but one thing I haven't seen much about is frustration.

I am happy! I love my life! Nothing has really changed for us during this time except we can't go anywhere. Normally my family is very active. We are out and about. We love adventures. Trying to create adventures at home has been a bit harder. 

I know God is in control. I don't live in fear. I know who is writing my story. I trust the journey we are on. I know He is with me. I feel the peace, the comfort every day. This virus isn't scary to me. It's just part of life. 

But I am FRUSTRATED BEYOND BELIEF and I don't exactly know how to handle it.

I am frustrated that people want to use my Christianity against me when my beliefs are different than them. “You obviously don’t care about people” “That’s not a very Christian way to think”. Especially when it is coming from someone who hasn’t pick up a Bible in who knows when.

I am frustrated that I am considered selfish because I don't want to wear a mask, I refuse to purchase cloth masks for my family, I want life to go back to being out and about and being with people. “I am not going to be the reason someone else gets sick and/or dies” “I hope no one near you gets this virus”. I am like 51% I had the virus when this whole lockdown started, not bronchitis. If that’s the case, I already have the antibodies and I cannot spread it but that can’t be tested so let’s just all stay inside.

I am frustrated that businesses are hurting because he government, not the choice of the people. It’s one thing if a business goes under because people are not going there. It’s another when the government doesn't allow people to go there. We are so blessed to live in a country of choices. We have to teach people to make good choices, not force it on them.

I am frustrated that people are expecting a hand out. Sorry you haven't learned how to prepare for an emergency but maybe that is something we need to re-evaluated when we look at what is required in our education system. Did you create a community around you for help too? I mean this is a great time to really see what we as a community can do for one another, not ask the government to do it for us. This is what makes the church so great because that is exactly what they should create and should be for during a time like this. I am very grateful our new home church is exactly that!

I am frustrated that I don't know how to handle these things like Jesus would. I just want to yell at people and shake them out of this and I know Jesus wouldn't do that. (Although he did yell at people who were not respecting the temple so…) But what would He do? 

So off to search my Bible I go!

Romans 8:28

²⁸ We know that all things work together^[a] for the good^[b] of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. 

1 Thessalonians 5:18

¹⁸ give thanks in everything; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Proverbs 17:22

A joyful heart is good medicine,
but a broken spirit dries up the bones.

Isaish 26:3

You will keep the mind that is dependent on you
in perfect peace,
for it is trusting in you.

Galatians 5:22-23

²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, and self-control. The law is not against such things.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not arrogant, 5 is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not irritable, and does not keep a record of wrongs. ⁶ Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth. ⁷ It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Now what to do with this...

Is it awful to say that this doesn't help? But at the same time I know it really does. It's like dealing with toddlers, when something happens I may get quick to anger but my reaction is what shows them Jesus' love. Being able to take a breath, pray and remember that God is working this for good, thank him for this time with my kids and with Him, keeping a joyful heart with a mind on Him, knowing that He is love and will provide my head and heart with all it needs.

I may not always be able to keep my mouth peaceful but I can continue to work on that. It may just be the lesson God has for me through all this. But also remebering that Jesus had times where his button were hit makes me feel normal too. 😉

That quarantine life

Well looking back at my first post of the year seem laughable now.

Hello all! Welcome to April 2020! I have been quarantined with 2 toddlers for 6 weeks now while my husband is an "essential" worker. (Of course, but that's nothing new) 😳

So far, it just feels a bit like "Groundhogs day". What am I going to do today to keep these kids out of trouble? Crafts, games, outside time, ipad time, movies, car rides. Keeping a 2 and 3 year old active and out of trouble but at the same time not just trying to completely entertain them since they need to learn to do that themselves has been good. They actually have had to learn how to play better with each other which is an awesome thing. So good job quarantine, you have taught my kids to play together. 👍

But this mama is losing her mind, one day at a time. My main conversations are with toddlers. Some days my husband forgets that when I am just a chatter box when he gets home. I had to completely breakdown and explain this to him. They don't get it all the time because its just life as normal. He is still going to work, still doing his thing, still chatting with his coworkers. I am lucky if I get a zoom/facetime chat with my friends/family longer than 15 mins bc my toddlers are going nuts with my attention elsewhere.

People rarely understand that when you are a first responder spouse and there is an emergency like this, your family comes together to handle it, my husband leaves his to protect yours. You can say whatever you like about having to work from home now and figuring out your new normal. This is my normal. In fact, I actually saw him less the first 2 weeks because he had to work a few 12-16 hour OT shifts. My normal is I have to handle my family while he has to protect yours. We don't get to come together. We say I love you and stay safe and pray he doesn't bring this home.

The funny thing is, the one thing I have been sure of since the first day of all this... God's got it. I don't feel a bit of anxiety about what is going on in the world. I feel its a wake up call for everyone to find their faith. Find that trust in God. I am actually not too worried about my husband getting sick or getting us sick. This virus doesn't scare me. It has been an amazing thing to see the community that can be created when we are in something together to take care of each other. The amount of love that has been pouring in on our family during this time has been amazing. We were blessed to change churches about a year ago and it was such the right decision for our little family and we especially see it now. We needed a community and they have been so much more than we could have ever prayed for.

So here is to another 4 weeks (at least) of the same old things around here. I mean it is California so God knows we are not opening anything any time soon 😔 But we will keep moving forward. I will keep these little humans alive, educated and entertained. LOL I will kiss my husband goodbye every morning and welcome home every time he walks back through that door. And I cannot wait to hug people again!

For God did not appoint us to wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, ¹⁰ who died for us, so that whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. ¹¹ Therefore encourage one another and build each other up as you are already doing. 1 Thess 5:9-11

2020 Vision

Since it is the theme of EVERYTHING, might as well use it too. But to have a clear vision, we must first look back.
2019- If you ask me, this year was probably one of the biggest growth years our family has had. The stress it was to get through our first year with 2 kids was so much on me personally and our marriage in 2018 that 2019 meant we got to reconnect and rebalance our family. The decision to change churches was also a huge step that created so much joy and peace throughout the year as well. And I got to focus and figure out myself and reconnect my personal faith again. God showed us to much grace and love this last year and I am hoping it with just grow from here.

So what does 2020 look like for this CHP family?
I’m hoping it looks like my husband getting to venture into new avenues in the department and new trainings because this is a great time for him to do so. If your husband has opportunities to add to his resume, make sure you can support him in those as much as possible! For a family in so cal, him doing trainings up north isn’t always ideal but they can be great connections made, ideas learned and even fun family adventures if you have the means to do that with him.

For our family?
I am hoping to get more organized with the idea of homeschooling these littles one day. By starting now with toddler activities and preschool lessons to get my head wrapped around what it would look like.
Maybe a move? Maybe a remodel? Maybe an addition? (In more ways than one) Only God knows those answers but we are opening our hearts and minds for what He does have planned for us this year and going to take it day by day, step by step knowing He has the best plans laid out for us if we just continue to walk with Him. Trusting he has made us just for this journey.

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:33‬ ‭CSB‬‬

So here is to 2020! May it be a blessed one for you and yours!

Proverbs 31 LEO wife

What a week to decide to have a mindset shift!

Let me start off by saying, C watch families are some strong families!

This past week, command has been hard on my husband about a big case he picked up last year that has still been hanging over his head. All of a sudden it is "why isn't this finished". 🙄 I'm not even going to get into the fact that he shouldn't have had the main handle on this case in the first place. Anyway, a deadline was given and OT was agreed on so basically my husband has been working 7-5, dinner and play with kids till bed time, back to work till about midnight- 1am, all week. Actually, tonight they just decided to stay at work and power through as long as they can.

Now, last week me would be pissed. Last week me would have been exhausted. She would have been angry with the command. She would have been annoyed with her husband leaving her all alone with the kids. Last week, I wouldn't have been able to sleep without him next to me. Last week me probably would have lost it at some point.

But, thankfully, God prepared me, prepared my heart and my mind for this.

The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will not lack anything good.
¹² She rewards him with good, not evil,
all the days of her life.
Proverbs 31:11-12 (CSB)

Being an understanding, supportive wife is so much more as a LEO wife. We are honestly at the mercy of job. When duty calls, we must have their backs. We must not make home life more stressful because we are upset with what is going on at work. And I am not saying that it easy by any means! Daily I am frustrated with the stories my husband comes home with. But my job isn't to fix that. Its to find what my husband needs from me to make it through that and be the best support possible!

And this CHP family life is not that bad people. They make decent money. Enough for us to live on just his income with 2 kids and a morgage, and honestly then some. My job is to raise amazing little humans, which consist of Disneyland trips, library storytimes, children church gatherings, playdates, mom group, time with grammy and papa... all while he is working. Of course there are the tantrums,
fighting, screaming, misbehaving, not eating but God created me to handle all of that, and honestly then some. This life may not be easy but oh is it worth every minute of it!

So tonight I am grateful for a husband that followed his dream to the CHP and provides this family with a life I could only have dreamed of. I know he may have to miss out on a few things here and there to provide it but it will never go unnoticed. It will never be unappreciated. We will keep creating as many amazing memories as we can to make sure daddy is always a part of them. ❤

Surround yourself with Gratefulness

As we head into the holidays, it always is a hard time for some and a joyous time for others. I like to remind myself (and others, if I can) that whatever we surround ourselves with is what we will be. The people we are around, the topics we discuss, the music we listen to, the tv we watch, the books we read. Raising little humans with a LEO can put me in a very negative spot by the end of the day. Like my husband being “on call” because California is up in flames and they may need him somewhere. Or getting court on a day off that you have had something special planned for like a month. My child(ren) can go all day misbehaving, not listening to a single thing I have to say. My husband can have a rough day of feeling inadequate and unappreciated. I am just suppose to hold it all together for them.  But you know what, most days I can because I prepare myself to do just that.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 ¹⁶Rejoice always, ¹⁷pray continually, ¹⁸give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

I find myself in my Bible more and more. Reading/listening to more books/podcast about the Bible and living a Christian life. The music that is on is either Christian or Country (really what's the difference lol). The news is the last thing I watch. I have to have my head and my heart in the right place to be the Christ-driven mom and the wife I need to be for my family

Now by all means I am far, far, FAR from perfect! But I have so much to be grateful for that I want to make sure I am living a life worthy of what I have been given. And with life's daily struggles we can get caught up in, it can be very hard to get ourselves out and remember just how truly blessed we are.

So here is what I am going to do. I am starting a gratitude journal so that every night I can remember just how much God is blessing over this family for the next 30 days and hopefully from there on out. So I want to challenge you to do the same! Now I am a very visual person so I search online and found a great 30 prompting I can follow the next month. I found this one at Picking Daisies Blog

Hopefully by Dec 1st I can share the difference it has made for me and my family these next 30 days.

About last night

Last night my husband got out his class A uniform, made sure his brass was shined enough, extra shined his boots, grabbed his nice hat put it all together for today. This is done when something really good has happened or really bad... unfortunately, he is on his way to a CHP officers memorial.

Last week, while doing a routine traffic stop, a motor officer was shot to death in a crazy freeway shootout. 2 other officers were wounded. If you didn't notice, the word ROUTINE was used. Driver broke a law, officer pulled him over, ran his information and decided the proper action for situation. While the officer was filling out paperwork, the suspect decided he didn't like the outcome and pulled a gun. (that he didn't get legally of course, in case any was wondering 🙄)

It was the first time I was on edge about learning more about the situation and the officers involved. It was the first time my heart sank that maybe it could be someone we know. It was the first time I felt the need to reach out to other wives and make sure everyone else was okay. It was way too close to home.

Last night my husband probably didn't even notice that I was quiet because it was one of the first times I was actually hurting and a bit scared about this job. I am really big on being a strong, supportive LEO wife. I knew what my husband was getting into when he signed up. I knew what I was getting into by marrying him still. So supportive I will always be. Choosing faith over fear is what I always do. But last night, I'm quiet. Last night, I had a pain in stomach and couldn't sleep. Last night, I tried not to cry knowing another wife is having to say goodbye to her husband of only a short time all because some guy didn't like him doing his job.  Last night, my heart truly felt the heaviness of this thin blue line.

Now, of course, this doesn't mean my thoughts of what it means to be a LEO wife have changed. But accepting these thoughts, these feelings and going through them are good. I'm human, and I can't let my emotions get the best of me but I can feel them and I can find the guidance I need to work through them.

Psalm 91

¹ Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
    will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
² This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
    he is my God, and I trust him.
³ For he will rescue you from every trap
    and protect you from deadly disease.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers.
    He will shelter you with his wings.
    His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
⁵ Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,
    nor the arrow that flies in the day.
⁶ Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,
    nor the disaster that strikes at midday.
⁷ Though a thousand fall at your side,
    though ten thousand are dying around you,
    these evils will not touch you.
⁸ Just open your eyes,
    and see how the wicked are punished.

⁹ If you make the Lord your refuge,
    if you make the Most High your shelter,
¹⁰ no evil will conquer you;
    no plague will come near your home.
¹¹ For he will order his angels
    to protect you wherever you go.
¹² They will hold you up with their hands
    so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.
¹³ You will trample upon lions and cobras;
    you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!

¹⁴ The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.
    I will protect those who trust in my name.
¹⁵ When they call on me, I will answer;
    I will be with them in trouble.
    I will rescue and honor them.
¹⁶ I will reward them with a long life
    and give them my salvation.”

So tonight I will laugh with him a little more, hug him a little tighter, kiss a littler longer, and hold on to what we have now. Reality may be setting in but our faith will always get us through it.

5 years down!

How has it been almost another year since I have been able to sit down and write???

HOW HAS 5 YEARS GONE BY SINCE MY HUSBAND GRADUATED THE ACADEMY???

This past year has been big in giving me insight for the future. I really want to focus myself and my family on what is important and that's God and each other. Maybe its all the negativity in the world or just all that is shared in the media and social media, but I want everything I say and do to be making people better/happy/inspired/encouraged. I also want to share God's word more and have more confidence in what I am sharing. So hopefully I will have more time to share how this CHP wife and SAHM mom of 2 really looks when you live a life truly of Faith over Fear.

It's almost been a year since my husband has moved to an office position and I LOVE IT! I am a very schedule/organized person. Now that my husbands schedule is consistent, I can plan dinner (almost) every night, outings over his weekend, DATE NIGHTS! This is also really great the little ones because they know daddy will be home for dinner (for the most part). They know daddy will play with them over the weekend. I really hope that through the negotiations (that will hopefully start again soon) they can come up with something that helps create consistency for all officers. It can honestly be a 180 for a family if they can make it work.

But lets go back to the idea of date night for today. Especially with having 2 little ones, I noticed that we were not focused on us. I mean why do new need to be? We are married. I already got him, right? 😉 I mean we are both exhausted from the day (between work and the kids). Not having the energy for each other is understandable. But its not okay and I was really feeling it and I know he was too. So for Valentines day I bought us some reading lol. It's called Fierce Marriage and they also wrote 2 "devotional" type books call Husband/Wife in Pursuit (perfect title for a LEO couple huh, even though it has nothing to do with that). This is probably one of the best things we have done for our marriage. Now you don't have to be "falling apart" to decided to do something like this. We have a pretty strong marriage. We just have been getting caught up in everything else that we were forgetting about the other which is so easy to do, especially in his line of work. Finding the balance of letting him have his time to wind down from work and being there for me and the kids is hard. So we started reading these devotional and we actually had to stop on day 10 of 31 because we were spending so much focus on each other it was a little exhausting lol. But just in those 10 days it refocused us back on each other and what the other one does ourselves, for our family and our walk with Christ. Even though I am almost always a crazy ball of hormones thanks to birth control it feels like, we have a lot more understanding and patience with each other and spending that time we need too with each other. Again, we are not perfect, nor will we ever be but we sure can strive to be a better couple pursuing one another while we pursue God more.

1 John 4:18 ¹⁸There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

So don't forget to keep dating! There is no reason that this profession should have a higher divorce rate if we are both in it for the long haul, able and willing to purse one another!

Faith over fear

I really wish I had more time to get to write here. But I really am going to try to make more of an effort.
Life update: our little family has grown and we now have a beautiful daughter! We are currently raising 2 under 2. Never thought I would say that but so far so good! I have stepped back from teaching to raise these amazing children (something I want to talk about later) but still do my at home beauty business because I need it for me and it’s good family fun money, everyone should have a side at home business!

Faith over Fear
Those are words I have strived for my whole life. I may not have lived in a bible quoting Christian family but my parents did teach me this and remind me all the time. This chapter in my life could have fear written all over it. So much hate is going towards law enforcement, raising 2 children under the age of 2 and still keeping my sanity, lol, choosing to live on one income. These are all things that would/could make people fearful everyday.

“for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”
‭‭2 Timothy‬ ‭1:7‬ ‭ESV‬‬
Starting with the kids and the job. When I found out my little girl was on her way I was in a panic. I had my hands full with my son, how was I ever going to be able to handle 2! And with a job? I refuse to ask my parents or in laws to raise my kids. They raised us. Watching them occasionally, of course! They love it! But everyday? multiple times a week? No way. And there is also no way I would pay for child care. What’s the point of working if that’s all it is paying for? If we are going to have kids, we are going to raise them. If we can’t do that with both of us working, then it’s time for this momma to focus on the family. So not only am I freaking out about adding another, now I am going to leave my job, this program that I have built for 5 years, not knowing if I will ever be able to come back. Fear just overwhelmed me of being “stuck” at home. But God always knows what he is doing. And focusing on this verse and thinking of the positives all of this was going to bring. How powerful it will be to raise my kids myself. To have that impact on them. The love that is going to grow in this family by being able to strictly focus on my family. And teaching me self control when it comes to being a part of so many things outside my family. In today’s day, women are told they can do anything but because of this we do everything! I do believe that women can do anything but we don’t need to to it all. I was working (teaching & my business), I was volunteering, I was trying to be the perfect mom and wife and honestly pretty exhausted at everything. God brought my daughter into my life to refocus on what matters and help me find this self control.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”
‭‭John‬ ‭14:27‬ ‭ESV‬
It has been a harder time that ever to be a LEO wife (spouse). There are people out there that just want to hurt my husband because of what he chooses to do for a live for his family. The idea is scary to think of, especially with 2 little ones now. As we have another fallen officer, I can’t help but think “what if” at times. How in the world would we manage? But I know that is just the devil getting into my head. God gave my husband this drive, this passion to be a CHP Officer. As his wife, I fully support him and his career. I more than support, I am so proud to be a LEO wife. He does what people wouldn’t dare to do. And I have peace that God is with him every time he puts on that uniform , puts on that badge, drives those roads. I cannot be afraid or I will never make it through this life. So I pray, I read, I study and I know God’s peace within as we go through this journey.

What got me to think through all this is a new shirt I bought on Southern Charm Designs. I absolutely love her stuff! She focuses on first responders designs so I have a few different Thin Blue Line things but this past purchase has been my favorite.

Everyone needs to check out her stuff and fall in love too!

Hope this encourages you today!

Rolling with the punches

So it seems like life is throwing a few curve balls our way lately...
1. The surprise of our daughter coming this December.
2. CHP getting rid of 12 hour shifts as of Jan 1, 2018, and the state only allowing 8 or 9 hour shifts till they can figure out this 10 hour thing.

If it was just one or the other I think I would be able to manage a lot better but both at the same time is really making things hard! I currently work as a part time high school teacher. It is awesome! I only work 2x a week and I get to do what I love (outside from being a wife and mom of course). This works perfect with my husbands schedule. Hes on 3, off 4 or on 4 off 3 and we just make sure that days he has off are the days I teach. Perfect right?

Now I knew I was going to take 6 months off when my daughter is born. Taking care of 2 under 2 does not sound easy and I want to get as adjusted as I can. But now with the changes I feel like life after Jan 1st is completely up in the air. If his office is going to 8 hours, that means working 5 days a week. There is no way I will be able to work. I am not sending my kids to day care just so I can pay for it teaching. That makes no sense. And honestly my husband and I already decided that we wanted to raise our children. We are blessed to live perfectly comfortable on his income that there is no reason we should be having someone else influence our children so early on. But I am so torn! I love being mommy! It is really the best feeling in the world but it really is the hardest job ever. Being a teacher gives me a break from mom to remember I am something else. Although my commute is awful, its a really great feeling. The idea of not coming back to it for longer than 6 months has me feeling so stuck.

Maybe it is because so much is still all up in the air with them trying to decide if they are really going to let them do 10s and if my husbands office is going to choose that too. I just really wish someone would make a decision already so I can move forward with things! I am such a planner and life after Jan 1st so not decided and it's making me crazy!


So I keep trying to recite this verse in my head
Jeremiah 29:11 11For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I know that God has great plans for this family, and for me specifically. I just have to be all trusting in what lies ahead knowing that He has it. Actually, yesterday my pastor was talking about this too and used the analogy of a parade. When you are there you only see float by float but God is overhead and can see the whole things and knows exactly what you are in for. Thought this was such a great visual. I have to stay excited for the next float that is coming our way. This float has been great but what could be next?

When life give you lemons

I have to say I live a pretty basic, normally, busy life. Not only being a CHP wife, a mom to be, part time high school teacher, Mary Kay beauty consultant, board member a chapter of Soroptimist International. I have a pretty good routine I am in too, especially with my husband still on desk duty (i'll explain later) but overall I think I handle it pretty well. Except for last week... last week, by Sunday I believe I was allowed to give up just for a little bit. I don't want to bore you guys with every last detail of it but to hit some major points

• Monday- left work computer at home so everything else that day just decided it didn't want to work. Seriously, every class had something wrong. 
• Tuesday- horrible indigestion and exhaustion... looks like 3rd trimester is welcoming me with all kinds of symptoms.
• Wednesday- We had an attempted suicide by a student, craziest thing I have ever been a part of
• Thursday- Glucose tolerance testing, no profit Mary Kay event.. just a long day
• Friday- meetings at work, trying to get a hold of someone to explain my glucose testing for like 2 hours
• Saturday- fun but not so profitable Mary Kay event, then my alternator in my car decided to die
• Sunday- my last living grandparent, my Dad's dad, passed away

So I am very happy it is Monday... new month... new week!

Back to my husbands hand now. We went back to the doctors about 2 weeks ago and they took off the cast! (Don't get excited yet) Did more x-rays only to find out it is still not healed. Back on a new cast goes. For another 4 weeks! We were told that the bone that is broken doesn't get great blood circulation which causes healing to be slower. :( But whatever needs to be done to get this healed properly. Again, his office has been so understanding, keeping him busy working with accident investigations which he is really enjoying. As much as it sucks that we ere hoping to rock some OT right now and have a nice chunk of change but aside for baby expenses, but that must not be God's plan. We are always able to save just on our paychecks anyway so maybe God is trying to get us to realize that we are just fine where we are. :)

So today I choose to be positive, like I did last week at least up until Sunday, and remember how blessed we are right now and take each day as it comes! :)