What's next for me?

Okay so the first year is over and he is on to the next thing but what about me? Well, being 27, having a pretty successful business, a successful teacher career as well and a very happy and fulfilling marriage with an amazingly Godly man who just loves his career too. Everyone seems to think there is just one thing left to do... have babies!

I think I have been pulled into this trap of feeling so underachieving since we haven't yet. People keep asking about it... I even had 2 people at church touch my belly and start asking questions. Do I look pregnant? How is this okay??? This is seriously something I have no control over and there is so much expectation for it. Believe me if I could just snap my fingers and do it I would but God has his own plan. I don't know how to tell people to leave it alone until we say that it is time. All it seems to do is create this worry, anxiousness and inadequacy in me which is not good at all.

Yesterday I pretty much had an emotional breakdown about it all. I just started crying out of nowhere and couldn't stop it either. Completely freaking out my husband of course. We had such a great dinner and we get home and ready for bed when I just roll over and cry. I was just filled with so much emotion over "why is this not happening?" and "can I even handle it when the time come?" and so much more kept going through my head. After of 30 minutes of fighting my husband not wanting to talk about it, he just started praying over me. Seriously, there is nothing better in the world than having such an amazing man of God as my partner in life. And of course he said exactly what I needed to hear and that is when everything came out like a flood!

"Why is this taking so long?"
"What if something is wrong?"
"People have 'accidents' all the time, why is it when some try it takes forever?"
"Why can other people just get it right the first time?"
"What if I can't handle it?"
"Are we really ready?"
"Why do I want this so bad?"
"Why do I feel like God is playing with my emotions?"
"What else can we do?"
"Is there something I am missing?"

Being at peace with something you have no control over is probably the hardest things ever. But like I have said before I believe I am a strong woman of God. Most of the time I am at peace with all that is going on in life and can just go with the flow. But we are all human and my human side loves to remind me how crazy life can be and throw me into some awful emotional states. But one of my favorite verses that always plays in my head during those times is
Philippians 4:13 "I Can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"

So today I decided to open up and read what leads up to this verse and God was really trying to show me peace...
10 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me.Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Wow! Being content is really where is all begins. If I am content with my family and my life the way it is, God will continue to bless me and my family. He hasn't failed me, what makes me worry like he would now?

So basically I hope someone learns something from all of this, other than just me of course, (Which this is amazing therapeutic! If you have never blogged yourself, you should try it. You can talk yourself through a lot and maybe help others too)
-If you know if a couple who is "trying" leave them alone about it. Stop asking. Stop bringing it up. When it happens, they will be more than happy to share the big news. I
-If you are going through it yourself, remember God has amazing plans for you and it is REALLY hard sometimes to just relax and enjoy the journey He has when you want something so exciting. Be happy, content and at peace about as much as you can.
-Its okay to be human and breakdown, just remember to fallback on the one who love you and can lead you back to your true peace in God. :)

One year as an Officer's wife :) what now?

Today marks the 1st anniversary of CTC-II-13 graduation! I cannot believe that a whole year has already flown by! I couldn't be more proud of my husband and to be a part of the CHP family.  So what to do now that probation is over and he can relax and enjoy? More training of course!

Last week my husband stated his training process to be a CHP motor officer. Most people I talk to love to ask "are you afraid?" Seriously? First and foremost people, do not ask a wife if she is afraid of her husbands job. Even if I was do i need your pity? Okay that may be a little harsh but come on. I got it the whole time he was in the process to get into the academy, then in the academy and then during probation. I get my husband has a dangerous job and it can be scary.

But here is where I get to really give my two cents on the whole thing. I am very proud that my husband and I have a very strong and secure foundation in God first, especially when it comes to this family. This is not something we just jumped into. Lots of prayers have gone up! And nothing but peace and comfort have come down. As a woman of God I know that I do not control when my time or my husbands time is up. That being said, if he feels like he is being called to this position in his career who am I not to trust God's plan? When he first told me he wanted to be a CHP officer, i'll admit, I laughed and said sure whatever you said. The it opened and he worked his butt off to get into that academy and to graduate. I knew God had a different plan in store for our family. When talk came up about being a motor, about 6 months ago , I laughed again and told him no way. I the matter of a week I had 2 people I had met (1 died, other had major recovery process to go through but did) and 1 family hit on their motorcycles (just banged up a bit). But he kept being it up and I knew it was something that wasn't going to go away. So having a conversation about it was due. I knew that God gave my husband great peace this journey He was taking him through so why should I not have that same peace?

So yes I get scared at times and yes it does make me nervous but I have an awesome God who has this amazing plan for my family so I trust that we are following Him. Besides my husband is learning how to ride with the best of the best so he must be in good hands. The CHP family only wants to see him accomplish great things too. :) Here are a few verses I like to play over and over in my head when the fear does get stronger.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Psalm 32:8 "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you."

A full year as an officer... so far a success!

I read this article the other day (8 tips for being a successful police family) and it made me what to share my opinion about everything they said and how we have decided on these topics. In just 10 short days my DH will officially be an officer for a full year! It really is crazy how time flies! and how much things can change in just a year. So here is their list and how I have related that to our lives this past year.

1. Talk about how much you want to share about the job

We have really had to work through this one. I have heard many different things from many different families and I wanted to be the most supportive wife I could be but I also have to think about my head/heart too. For the most part I let my husband share as much as he wants. He loves calling me on his way home from work and sharing all his stories with me. Even some that I wish he wouldn't and when they go a little far for me I just let him know so he can make a mental note about it. The one things I do have him keep to himself these days is his motor training. Becoming a motor officer is a great privilege and I am very excited about him doing this but at the same time I am a bit scared to death! So I have shared that while he is in training for it I don't want to know. When he passes all the test to actually become a motor officer then I will be more open to hearing motor stories, hopefully. :)

2. Discuss with whom you will share the knowledge of his/her police status

Now this is a topic we have been trying to figure out still. When he first got home last year, we had decided that only family, church family and close friends would know. But that changed pretty quick. I have a home business and so my customers would be coming to our home and being able to see his war bag, maybe a uniform so we decided I could share with them if they asked. Then we had a crazy incident happen right outside our home where DH needed to be "officer" so a few neighbors found out or told us they already knew since they saw him taking his uniforms and war bag in and out of the house. So now we really don't worry about it. We are a very faith-based family so if we feel it is okay then we share, if not we just say "work for the state". 

3. Decide how much off-duty work is permissible. 

Let just say this topic is for both of us. Being a teacher (and last year working on building a new curriculum) I bring work home occasionally. But working from home, I can be working all of the time. So we have an agreement, if one person is working then the other can. So when I am at school I assume he is getting his reports done if he did not finish them at his work days. Now I really try not to work my business on our days off together but sometimes I have to make deliveries and so most of the time we do them together and we will grab lunch or dinner out while we do so. Honestly, as long as you make sure you create time for each other and time for family you do not worry about how much time a part (working) you have. Make the time you have together really count! 

4. Have an off-duty carry plan

Now this was a whole new idea for me. I never grew up familiar with guns. and the idea that he would be carrying one all the time was scary at first. But I chose to educate myself and prepare myself. We go to the range together so that I know how to use it and feel comfortable around it and other guns. But when it comes to a "plan" if he had to use it, we actually have never really talked about it. I mean we have probably joked about it now and then and mentioned something quick but never an actual plan. This is probably because we do not have kids yet but a plan of action is something that is needed and should be talked about. 

5. Get used to unusual hours / going to events on your own

I learned this one really quick. And honestly it wasn't a problem at all. I knew what I was getting into when I married him. I knew he would miss holidays, birthday, events... and I am okay with all of that because he has a career he loves! What you have to get use to is the people always asking where he is. I mean if he is not with me at this lovely event where do you think he is??? LOL So get use to saying it over and over at the event and don't let anyone burst your bubble and make you feel sad about it. He has an amazing career and we have an amazing life together. May not be the norm but its our journey/adventure and I wouldn't want it any other way!

6. Embrace other police families

I feel so privileged and honored that the CHP organization truly wants us to feel like a family itself. We had a large group of officers from his class go to his specific office so the wives/girlfriends of the group got a chance to get close. This has been fantastic! It is so nice to feel like we have someone going through the same thing and be able to discuss our frustration with someone other than our other half. Also, recently our office has had a wives get together, again to we have people to talk to and go to when we are struggling adjusting to this new life. I couldn't be more happy about feeling like I have people to go to and connect with who will actually understand what we are going through because they are going through it too or have already been through it. 

7. Don't be afraid to ask for help

Still working on this one. Even though I said i am very happy about having the people to go to for help, that still doesn't mean I use them. I tend to think I can handle a lot on my own and try to just hide it but more recently I am learning to share my concern and talk it out with other wives or better yet my husband. When he first started I kept thinking to myself "his job is hard enough as it is, he doesn't need my stress on top of it. But we are a family. He can handle me needing help and working with me, he can't handle me crazy and not understanding what is going on. Know it is okay to talk things through with the people God has put in your life and that you husband needs to know it too. 

8. Be confident in the strength of your relationship

Now this is no problem for us at all. Once you go through the academy together and make it through that, you can do anything! LOL We have a very strong foundation in God when it comes to our relationship so when things get through we turn to Him, together and we always find our way through it. We know God has a plan for our lives together and with Him guiding it, we will be just fine. We are learning to just enjoy this crazy, amazing journey he has us on and knowing that we are going through exactly what we need to be to get to where He wants us to be.