Powerless

Powerless... that's how my husband put it. Over the past few months, I have had a day here and there where I just want to be upset. I want to stay in bed. I don't want to hang out, be happy, do anything. Its hard at times for  Christian to feel this way. I am always a positive person. I know that God has me all the time and that makes this life a beautiful thing. But somedays, lately, it feels far from it.

The kids wake up screaming at each other

Keyboard warriors at it again

LEO wives asking for prayer bc theirs destruction in their area, or the government is not backing up their department, their significant other is back out at it again and they are scared.

Everything is closing up again

Being a SAHM, LEOW during all this is probably the worst possible thing. I think the only thing that could make it worse is if my kids were school aged bc homeschool through this would be a nightmare. Just preschool homeschool is. But it for sure has pulled me deep into the word.

 

16 But I have raised you up[a] for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth. Exodus 9:16

This was a verse in a devotional a read the day after talking to my husband about all I was feeling.  If that wasn't God talking straight to me about feeling so powerless, then I don't know how the big the sign would need to be. LOL I will not let the loud minority make me feel powerless when I am a Child of God. I may not have to fight every battle online but I will not be quiet. I will wear my blue line gear with pride. I will go outside, to a park, and play with my kids. I will enjoy time and open conversations with friends and family in person. 

17 I urge you, brothers and sisters, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them. 18 For such people are not serving our Lord Christ, but their own appetites. By smooth talk and flattery they deceive the minds of naive people. Romans 16:17-18

But I will keep bringing up scripture. I will equip myself, my heart and my mind with the word of God to back it up and share with everyone who is willing to have a conversation. I will find God's power when I am feeling my most powerless.  

BTW, if you haven't read the book "Stop Calling Me Beautiful" by Phylicia Masonheimer, I highly recommend you get it! We need to get deep and dirty into the Gospel.  

Frustration is rising

With all that is going on lately, everyone is talking about how to handle it. Anxiety, depression, seperation.. but one thing I haven't seen much about is frustration.

I am happy! I love my life! Nothing has really changed for us during this time except we can't go anywhere. Normally my family is very active. We are out and about. We love adventures. Trying to create adventures at home has been a bit harder. 

I know God is in control. I don't live in fear. I know who is writing my story. I trust the journey we are on. I know He is with me. I feel the peace, the comfort every day. This virus isn't scary to me. It's just part of life. 

But I am FRUSTRATED BEYOND BELIEF and I don't exactly know how to handle it.

I am frustrated that people want to use my Christianity against me when my beliefs are different than them. “You obviously don’t care about people” “That’s not a very Christian way to think”. Especially when it is coming from someone who hasn’t pick up a Bible in who knows when.

I am frustrated that I am considered selfish because I don't want to wear a mask, I refuse to purchase cloth masks for my family, I want life to go back to being out and about and being with people. “I am not going to be the reason someone else gets sick and/or dies” “I hope no one near you gets this virus”. I am like 51% I had the virus when this whole lockdown started, not bronchitis. If that’s the case, I already have the antibodies and I cannot spread it but that can’t be tested so let’s just all stay inside.

I am frustrated that businesses are hurting because he government, not the choice of the people. It’s one thing if a business goes under because people are not going there. It’s another when the government doesn't allow people to go there. We are so blessed to live in a country of choices. We have to teach people to make good choices, not force it on them.

I am frustrated that people are expecting a hand out. Sorry you haven't learned how to prepare for an emergency but maybe that is something we need to re-evaluated when we look at what is required in our education system. Did you create a community around you for help too? I mean this is a great time to really see what we as a community can do for one another, not ask the government to do it for us. This is what makes the church so great because that is exactly what they should create and should be for during a time like this. I am very grateful our new home church is exactly that!

I am frustrated that I don't know how to handle these things like Jesus would. I just want to yell at people and shake them out of this and I know Jesus wouldn't do that. (Although he did yell at people who were not respecting the temple so…) But what would He do? 

So off to search my Bible I go!

Romans 8:28

²⁸ We know that all things work together^[a] for the good^[b] of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. 

1 Thessalonians 5:18

¹⁸ give thanks in everything; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Proverbs 17:22

A joyful heart is good medicine,
but a broken spirit dries up the bones.

Isaish 26:3

You will keep the mind that is dependent on you
in perfect peace,
for it is trusting in you.

Galatians 5:22-23

²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, and self-control. The law is not against such things.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not arrogant, 5 is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not irritable, and does not keep a record of wrongs. ⁶ Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth. ⁷ It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Now what to do with this...

Is it awful to say that this doesn't help? But at the same time I know it really does. It's like dealing with toddlers, when something happens I may get quick to anger but my reaction is what shows them Jesus' love. Being able to take a breath, pray and remember that God is working this for good, thank him for this time with my kids and with Him, keeping a joyful heart with a mind on Him, knowing that He is love and will provide my head and heart with all it needs.

I may not always be able to keep my mouth peaceful but I can continue to work on that. It may just be the lesson God has for me through all this. But also remebering that Jesus had times where his button were hit makes me feel normal too. 😉

Faith over fear

I really wish I had more time to get to write here. But I really am going to try to make more of an effort.
Life update: our little family has grown and we now have a beautiful daughter! We are currently raising 2 under 2. Never thought I would say that but so far so good! I have stepped back from teaching to raise these amazing children (something I want to talk about later) but still do my at home beauty business because I need it for me and it’s good family fun money, everyone should have a side at home business!

Faith over Fear
Those are words I have strived for my whole life. I may not have lived in a bible quoting Christian family but my parents did teach me this and remind me all the time. This chapter in my life could have fear written all over it. So much hate is going towards law enforcement, raising 2 children under the age of 2 and still keeping my sanity, lol, choosing to live on one income. These are all things that would/could make people fearful everyday.

“for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”
‭‭2 Timothy‬ ‭1:7‬ ‭ESV‬‬
Starting with the kids and the job. When I found out my little girl was on her way I was in a panic. I had my hands full with my son, how was I ever going to be able to handle 2! And with a job? I refuse to ask my parents or in laws to raise my kids. They raised us. Watching them occasionally, of course! They love it! But everyday? multiple times a week? No way. And there is also no way I would pay for child care. What’s the point of working if that’s all it is paying for? If we are going to have kids, we are going to raise them. If we can’t do that with both of us working, then it’s time for this momma to focus on the family. So not only am I freaking out about adding another, now I am going to leave my job, this program that I have built for 5 years, not knowing if I will ever be able to come back. Fear just overwhelmed me of being “stuck” at home. But God always knows what he is doing. And focusing on this verse and thinking of the positives all of this was going to bring. How powerful it will be to raise my kids myself. To have that impact on them. The love that is going to grow in this family by being able to strictly focus on my family. And teaching me self control when it comes to being a part of so many things outside my family. In today’s day, women are told they can do anything but because of this we do everything! I do believe that women can do anything but we don’t need to to it all. I was working (teaching & my business), I was volunteering, I was trying to be the perfect mom and wife and honestly pretty exhausted at everything. God brought my daughter into my life to refocus on what matters and help me find this self control.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”
‭‭John‬ ‭14:27‬ ‭ESV‬
It has been a harder time that ever to be a LEO wife (spouse). There are people out there that just want to hurt my husband because of what he chooses to do for a live for his family. The idea is scary to think of, especially with 2 little ones now. As we have another fallen officer, I can’t help but think “what if” at times. How in the world would we manage? But I know that is just the devil getting into my head. God gave my husband this drive, this passion to be a CHP Officer. As his wife, I fully support him and his career. I more than support, I am so proud to be a LEO wife. He does what people wouldn’t dare to do. And I have peace that God is with him every time he puts on that uniform , puts on that badge, drives those roads. I cannot be afraid or I will never make it through this life. So I pray, I read, I study and I know God’s peace within as we go through this journey.

What got me to think through all this is a new shirt I bought on Southern Charm Designs. I absolutely love her stuff! She focuses on first responders designs so I have a few different Thin Blue Line things but this past purchase has been my favorite.

Everyone needs to check out her stuff and fall in love too!

Hope this encourages you today!

One year as an Officer's wife :) what now?

Today marks the 1st anniversary of CTC-II-13 graduation! I cannot believe that a whole year has already flown by! I couldn't be more proud of my husband and to be a part of the CHP family.  So what to do now that probation is over and he can relax and enjoy? More training of course!

Last week my husband stated his training process to be a CHP motor officer. Most people I talk to love to ask "are you afraid?" Seriously? First and foremost people, do not ask a wife if she is afraid of her husbands job. Even if I was do i need your pity? Okay that may be a little harsh but come on. I got it the whole time he was in the process to get into the academy, then in the academy and then during probation. I get my husband has a dangerous job and it can be scary.

But here is where I get to really give my two cents on the whole thing. I am very proud that my husband and I have a very strong and secure foundation in God first, especially when it comes to this family. This is not something we just jumped into. Lots of prayers have gone up! And nothing but peace and comfort have come down. As a woman of God I know that I do not control when my time or my husbands time is up. That being said, if he feels like he is being called to this position in his career who am I not to trust God's plan? When he first told me he wanted to be a CHP officer, i'll admit, I laughed and said sure whatever you said. The it opened and he worked his butt off to get into that academy and to graduate. I knew God had a different plan in store for our family. When talk came up about being a motor, about 6 months ago , I laughed again and told him no way. I the matter of a week I had 2 people I had met (1 died, other had major recovery process to go through but did) and 1 family hit on their motorcycles (just banged up a bit). But he kept being it up and I knew it was something that wasn't going to go away. So having a conversation about it was due. I knew that God gave my husband great peace this journey He was taking him through so why should I not have that same peace?

So yes I get scared at times and yes it does make me nervous but I have an awesome God who has this amazing plan for my family so I trust that we are following Him. Besides my husband is learning how to ride with the best of the best so he must be in good hands. The CHP family only wants to see him accomplish great things too. :) Here are a few verses I like to play over and over in my head when the fear does get stronger.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Psalm 32:8 "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you."