Powerless

Powerless... that's how my husband put it. Over the past few months, I have had a day here and there where I just want to be upset. I want to stay in bed. I don't want to hang out, be happy, do anything. Its hard at times for  Christian to feel this way. I am always a positive person. I know that God has me all the time and that makes this life a beautiful thing. But somedays, lately, it feels far from it.

The kids wake up screaming at each other

Keyboard warriors at it again

LEO wives asking for prayer bc theirs destruction in their area, or the government is not backing up their department, their significant other is back out at it again and they are scared.

Everything is closing up again

Being a SAHM, LEOW during all this is probably the worst possible thing. I think the only thing that could make it worse is if my kids were school aged bc homeschool through this would be a nightmare. Just preschool homeschool is. But it for sure has pulled me deep into the word.

 

16 But I have raised you up[a] for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth. Exodus 9:16

This was a verse in a devotional a read the day after talking to my husband about all I was feeling.  If that wasn't God talking straight to me about feeling so powerless, then I don't know how the big the sign would need to be. LOL I will not let the loud minority make me feel powerless when I am a Child of God. I may not have to fight every battle online but I will not be quiet. I will wear my blue line gear with pride. I will go outside, to a park, and play with my kids. I will enjoy time and open conversations with friends and family in person. 

17 I urge you, brothers and sisters, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them. 18 For such people are not serving our Lord Christ, but their own appetites. By smooth talk and flattery they deceive the minds of naive people. Romans 16:17-18

But I will keep bringing up scripture. I will equip myself, my heart and my mind with the word of God to back it up and share with everyone who is willing to have a conversation. I will find God's power when I am feeling my most powerless.  

BTW, if you haven't read the book "Stop Calling Me Beautiful" by Phylicia Masonheimer, I highly recommend you get it! We need to get deep and dirty into the Gospel.  

Frustration is rising

With all that is going on lately, everyone is talking about how to handle it. Anxiety, depression, seperation.. but one thing I haven't seen much about is frustration.

I am happy! I love my life! Nothing has really changed for us during this time except we can't go anywhere. Normally my family is very active. We are out and about. We love adventures. Trying to create adventures at home has been a bit harder. 

I know God is in control. I don't live in fear. I know who is writing my story. I trust the journey we are on. I know He is with me. I feel the peace, the comfort every day. This virus isn't scary to me. It's just part of life. 

But I am FRUSTRATED BEYOND BELIEF and I don't exactly know how to handle it.

I am frustrated that people want to use my Christianity against me when my beliefs are different than them. “You obviously don’t care about people” “That’s not a very Christian way to think”. Especially when it is coming from someone who hasn’t pick up a Bible in who knows when.

I am frustrated that I am considered selfish because I don't want to wear a mask, I refuse to purchase cloth masks for my family, I want life to go back to being out and about and being with people. “I am not going to be the reason someone else gets sick and/or dies” “I hope no one near you gets this virus”. I am like 51% I had the virus when this whole lockdown started, not bronchitis. If that’s the case, I already have the antibodies and I cannot spread it but that can’t be tested so let’s just all stay inside.

I am frustrated that businesses are hurting because he government, not the choice of the people. It’s one thing if a business goes under because people are not going there. It’s another when the government doesn't allow people to go there. We are so blessed to live in a country of choices. We have to teach people to make good choices, not force it on them.

I am frustrated that people are expecting a hand out. Sorry you haven't learned how to prepare for an emergency but maybe that is something we need to re-evaluated when we look at what is required in our education system. Did you create a community around you for help too? I mean this is a great time to really see what we as a community can do for one another, not ask the government to do it for us. This is what makes the church so great because that is exactly what they should create and should be for during a time like this. I am very grateful our new home church is exactly that!

I am frustrated that I don't know how to handle these things like Jesus would. I just want to yell at people and shake them out of this and I know Jesus wouldn't do that. (Although he did yell at people who were not respecting the temple so…) But what would He do? 

So off to search my Bible I go!

Romans 8:28

²⁸ We know that all things work together^[a] for the good^[b] of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. 

1 Thessalonians 5:18

¹⁸ give thanks in everything; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Proverbs 17:22

A joyful heart is good medicine,
but a broken spirit dries up the bones.

Isaish 26:3

You will keep the mind that is dependent on you
in perfect peace,
for it is trusting in you.

Galatians 5:22-23

²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, and self-control. The law is not against such things.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not arrogant, 5 is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not irritable, and does not keep a record of wrongs. ⁶ Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth. ⁷ It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Now what to do with this...

Is it awful to say that this doesn't help? But at the same time I know it really does. It's like dealing with toddlers, when something happens I may get quick to anger but my reaction is what shows them Jesus' love. Being able to take a breath, pray and remember that God is working this for good, thank him for this time with my kids and with Him, keeping a joyful heart with a mind on Him, knowing that He is love and will provide my head and heart with all it needs.

I may not always be able to keep my mouth peaceful but I can continue to work on that. It may just be the lesson God has for me through all this. But also remebering that Jesus had times where his button were hit makes me feel normal too. 😉

Living for the present instead of the possible

Did anyone else think that January was THE LONGEST MONTH EVER!!!

So in my life, I have 4 birthday in January (kind of 5 if you count my daughter which is Dec 30th so close enough). The holidays don't end on Christmas, they really begin and keep going till February.
And this year even more got added to the January plate... my husbands family was all going to be together, for a week, for the first time since our wedding 6 years ago! Oh yeah, and I decided I wanted to do a Spartan race for the first time with my husband. 🤦🤦

Now for a planner like me, this was a nightmare!!! We had all these "events" but nothing really "planned". I had to let go of so much to just go with the flow of birthdays, family time, meals, children's naps, etc. And guess what? I survived. We all survived. We even had a great month. I wasn't in control of every minute and we all did just fine. Yes, there were some crazy times and my children didn't nap or go to bed like they normally do but we all made it through with some great memories.

• We took my niece to Disneyland for the first time with my kids and everyone had a blast!
• We went to Knotts Berry Farm with my husbands whole family for a day. Our kids got to do something new, bond with their cousins they hardly get to see and we even got to go on a few things too to enjoy time with them as well. 
• We froze our butts off at the beach but I learned how much my children really want to go to the beach more (I hate the beach lol but maybe I need to get over it)
• I did my first Spartan race and I kicked butt! lol I climbed walls and cargo nets, flipped tires and did quiet a few burpees to earn that medal but I did it, with my amazing husband! Honestly, I am kind of addicted now.
• Husband and I went to taping of our favorite show and had so much fun! Even already seen ourselves on TV lol
• I would like to add I read/listened to 2 books! lol I have added reading/listening to audiobooks to my "things to do in 2020" and I am actually doing it! (One, which has lead me to this entry today)

These are things people do in a year, or even years and we did it all in the month on January!!! I was stressed out, wigged out, crazy for most of the month and what for??? If I am always looking 2 steps ahead how can I enjoy what is right in front of me???

The plan for my life was never the SAHM, married to an officer, ideas of homeschooling one day but here we are and yet I am always still looking 2 steps ahead instead of just enjoying the now.

As month 1 of 2020 is over, I am looking forward to month 2 and focusing on the here and now of spending time with my family and hopefully soon friends too! Because life is too short, and quick for us to only focus on whats next and not enjoy time with one another and show God's love and grace to one another. 

Proverbs 3:1-6 CSB

1My son, don’t forget my teaching,

but let your heart keep my commands;

2for they will bring you

many days, a full life, and well-being.

3Never let loyalty and faithfulness leave you.

Tie them around your neck;

write them on the tablet of your heart.

4Then you will find favor and high regard

with God and people.

5Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and do not rely on your own understanding;

6in all your ways know him,

and he will make your paths straight.

Below are a few resources I love and the books I have read so far. Check them out
Books
Right Side of History
Everything Happens for a Reason

Resources
Libby- app for library ebooks/audiobooks FREE
Hoopla- another app for library ebooks/audiobooks FREE
Emory Lane- bc I love supporting small businesses and I live in these shirts lol

2020 Vision

Since it is the theme of EVERYTHING, might as well use it too. But to have a clear vision, we must first look back.
2019- If you ask me, this year was probably one of the biggest growth years our family has had. The stress it was to get through our first year with 2 kids was so much on me personally and our marriage in 2018 that 2019 meant we got to reconnect and rebalance our family. The decision to change churches was also a huge step that created so much joy and peace throughout the year as well. And I got to focus and figure out myself and reconnect my personal faith again. God showed us to much grace and love this last year and I am hoping it with just grow from here.

So what does 2020 look like for this CHP family?
I’m hoping it looks like my husband getting to venture into new avenues in the department and new trainings because this is a great time for him to do so. If your husband has opportunities to add to his resume, make sure you can support him in those as much as possible! For a family in so cal, him doing trainings up north isn’t always ideal but they can be great connections made, ideas learned and even fun family adventures if you have the means to do that with him.

For our family?
I am hoping to get more organized with the idea of homeschooling these littles one day. By starting now with toddler activities and preschool lessons to get my head wrapped around what it would look like.
Maybe a move? Maybe a remodel? Maybe an addition? (In more ways than one) Only God knows those answers but we are opening our hearts and minds for what He does have planned for us this year and going to take it day by day, step by step knowing He has the best plans laid out for us if we just continue to walk with Him. Trusting he has made us just for this journey.

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:33‬ ‭CSB‬‬

So here is to 2020! May it be a blessed one for you and yours!

Proverbs 31 LEO wife

What a week to decide to have a mindset shift!

Let me start off by saying, C watch families are some strong families!

This past week, command has been hard on my husband about a big case he picked up last year that has still been hanging over his head. All of a sudden it is "why isn't this finished". 🙄 I'm not even going to get into the fact that he shouldn't have had the main handle on this case in the first place. Anyway, a deadline was given and OT was agreed on so basically my husband has been working 7-5, dinner and play with kids till bed time, back to work till about midnight- 1am, all week. Actually, tonight they just decided to stay at work and power through as long as they can.

Now, last week me would be pissed. Last week me would have been exhausted. She would have been angry with the command. She would have been annoyed with her husband leaving her all alone with the kids. Last week, I wouldn't have been able to sleep without him next to me. Last week me probably would have lost it at some point.

But, thankfully, God prepared me, prepared my heart and my mind for this.

The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will not lack anything good.
¹² She rewards him with good, not evil,
all the days of her life.
Proverbs 31:11-12 (CSB)

Being an understanding, supportive wife is so much more as a LEO wife. We are honestly at the mercy of job. When duty calls, we must have their backs. We must not make home life more stressful because we are upset with what is going on at work. And I am not saying that it easy by any means! Daily I am frustrated with the stories my husband comes home with. But my job isn't to fix that. Its to find what my husband needs from me to make it through that and be the best support possible!

And this CHP family life is not that bad people. They make decent money. Enough for us to live on just his income with 2 kids and a morgage, and honestly then some. My job is to raise amazing little humans, which consist of Disneyland trips, library storytimes, children church gatherings, playdates, mom group, time with grammy and papa... all while he is working. Of course there are the tantrums,
fighting, screaming, misbehaving, not eating but God created me to handle all of that, and honestly then some. This life may not be easy but oh is it worth every minute of it!

So tonight I am grateful for a husband that followed his dream to the CHP and provides this family with a life I could only have dreamed of. I know he may have to miss out on a few things here and there to provide it but it will never go unnoticed. It will never be unappreciated. We will keep creating as many amazing memories as we can to make sure daddy is always a part of them. ❤

Surround yourself with Gratefulness

As we head into the holidays, it always is a hard time for some and a joyous time for others. I like to remind myself (and others, if I can) that whatever we surround ourselves with is what we will be. The people we are around, the topics we discuss, the music we listen to, the tv we watch, the books we read. Raising little humans with a LEO can put me in a very negative spot by the end of the day. Like my husband being “on call” because California is up in flames and they may need him somewhere. Or getting court on a day off that you have had something special planned for like a month. My child(ren) can go all day misbehaving, not listening to a single thing I have to say. My husband can have a rough day of feeling inadequate and unappreciated. I am just suppose to hold it all together for them.  But you know what, most days I can because I prepare myself to do just that.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 ¹⁶Rejoice always, ¹⁷pray continually, ¹⁸give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

I find myself in my Bible more and more. Reading/listening to more books/podcast about the Bible and living a Christian life. The music that is on is either Christian or Country (really what's the difference lol). The news is the last thing I watch. I have to have my head and my heart in the right place to be the Christ-driven mom and the wife I need to be for my family

Now by all means I am far, far, FAR from perfect! But I have so much to be grateful for that I want to make sure I am living a life worthy of what I have been given. And with life's daily struggles we can get caught up in, it can be very hard to get ourselves out and remember just how truly blessed we are.

So here is what I am going to do. I am starting a gratitude journal so that every night I can remember just how much God is blessing over this family for the next 30 days and hopefully from there on out. So I want to challenge you to do the same! Now I am a very visual person so I search online and found a great 30 prompting I can follow the next month. I found this one at Picking Daisies Blog

Hopefully by Dec 1st I can share the difference it has made for me and my family these next 30 days.

About last night

Last night my husband got out his class A uniform, made sure his brass was shined enough, extra shined his boots, grabbed his nice hat put it all together for today. This is done when something really good has happened or really bad... unfortunately, he is on his way to a CHP officers memorial.

Last week, while doing a routine traffic stop, a motor officer was shot to death in a crazy freeway shootout. 2 other officers were wounded. If you didn't notice, the word ROUTINE was used. Driver broke a law, officer pulled him over, ran his information and decided the proper action for situation. While the officer was filling out paperwork, the suspect decided he didn't like the outcome and pulled a gun. (that he didn't get legally of course, in case any was wondering 🙄)

It was the first time I was on edge about learning more about the situation and the officers involved. It was the first time my heart sank that maybe it could be someone we know. It was the first time I felt the need to reach out to other wives and make sure everyone else was okay. It was way too close to home.

Last night my husband probably didn't even notice that I was quiet because it was one of the first times I was actually hurting and a bit scared about this job. I am really big on being a strong, supportive LEO wife. I knew what my husband was getting into when he signed up. I knew what I was getting into by marrying him still. So supportive I will always be. Choosing faith over fear is what I always do. But last night, I'm quiet. Last night, I had a pain in stomach and couldn't sleep. Last night, I tried not to cry knowing another wife is having to say goodbye to her husband of only a short time all because some guy didn't like him doing his job.  Last night, my heart truly felt the heaviness of this thin blue line.

Now, of course, this doesn't mean my thoughts of what it means to be a LEO wife have changed. But accepting these thoughts, these feelings and going through them are good. I'm human, and I can't let my emotions get the best of me but I can feel them and I can find the guidance I need to work through them.

Psalm 91

¹ Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
    will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
² This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
    he is my God, and I trust him.
³ For he will rescue you from every trap
    and protect you from deadly disease.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers.
    He will shelter you with his wings.
    His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
⁵ Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,
    nor the arrow that flies in the day.
⁶ Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,
    nor the disaster that strikes at midday.
⁷ Though a thousand fall at your side,
    though ten thousand are dying around you,
    these evils will not touch you.
⁸ Just open your eyes,
    and see how the wicked are punished.

⁹ If you make the Lord your refuge,
    if you make the Most High your shelter,
¹⁰ no evil will conquer you;
    no plague will come near your home.
¹¹ For he will order his angels
    to protect you wherever you go.
¹² They will hold you up with their hands
    so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.
¹³ You will trample upon lions and cobras;
    you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!

¹⁴ The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.
    I will protect those who trust in my name.
¹⁵ When they call on me, I will answer;
    I will be with them in trouble.
    I will rescue and honor them.
¹⁶ I will reward them with a long life
    and give them my salvation.”

So tonight I will laugh with him a little more, hug him a little tighter, kiss a littler longer, and hold on to what we have now. Reality may be setting in but our faith will always get us through it.

Late night again

So with 2 under 2 now I rely on my husband more when he gets home from work. I try my best to time dinner accordingly, time for him and his boy to hangout before he goes to bed and then snuggles with his girl before she goes down. And maybe even a few moments just for us before starting all over again the next day. But being off on time is hardly a thing in this LA area office, that I’m use to, but getting the phone call “there has been a fatal in the area, don’t expect me tonight” are words that just suck all around.

I can get pissed off that I now have the whole day just me and the kids, even bath and bed tonight but what good does that do. And unfortunately someone out there just lost a family member. Others could be a part of this and have to live with taking a life. My husband is now exposed  to an awful scene.  Honestly the last thing I thought about when I got the call this time was me and the kids. That’s when you know you are a true LEO family. Dinner is already in the crockpot so it will be ready for him when he gets home. He may miss the kids tonight but there’s always FaceTime. My first thought was how awful for this family, especially Easter weekend.. How awful for the officer and first responders who have to go to this scene. Just get there, get to work and get home safe. 

As a LEO family, we choose to support our LEO at all times. The things they see and deal with, many people wouldn’t be able to handle for longer than a week, if that. For them to know “don’t worry, I have it taken care of on the home front” is what makes their work lives easier. Right no he doesn’t need to focus on me and the kids. He needs to focus on this life lose and their family. 

“"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5:4‬ ‭ESV‬‬

I feel comfort knowing my guy is out there to help comfort others. With God as our family foundation, he can help show a compassion to this situation not everyone can. And the more I can take care of everything at home, the more he gets to be that man of God in uniform. 

So yes, the late night suck, but remember why he has those late nights and how you can help the situation. Don’t worry, he will repay you for your support and strength at home in the future. 😉

Faith over fear

I really wish I had more time to get to write here. But I really am going to try to make more of an effort.
Life update: our little family has grown and we now have a beautiful daughter! We are currently raising 2 under 2. Never thought I would say that but so far so good! I have stepped back from teaching to raise these amazing children (something I want to talk about later) but still do my at home beauty business because I need it for me and it’s good family fun money, everyone should have a side at home business!

Faith over Fear
Those are words I have strived for my whole life. I may not have lived in a bible quoting Christian family but my parents did teach me this and remind me all the time. This chapter in my life could have fear written all over it. So much hate is going towards law enforcement, raising 2 children under the age of 2 and still keeping my sanity, lol, choosing to live on one income. These are all things that would/could make people fearful everyday.

“for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”
‭‭2 Timothy‬ ‭1:7‬ ‭ESV‬‬
Starting with the kids and the job. When I found out my little girl was on her way I was in a panic. I had my hands full with my son, how was I ever going to be able to handle 2! And with a job? I refuse to ask my parents or in laws to raise my kids. They raised us. Watching them occasionally, of course! They love it! But everyday? multiple times a week? No way. And there is also no way I would pay for child care. What’s the point of working if that’s all it is paying for? If we are going to have kids, we are going to raise them. If we can’t do that with both of us working, then it’s time for this momma to focus on the family. So not only am I freaking out about adding another, now I am going to leave my job, this program that I have built for 5 years, not knowing if I will ever be able to come back. Fear just overwhelmed me of being “stuck” at home. But God always knows what he is doing. And focusing on this verse and thinking of the positives all of this was going to bring. How powerful it will be to raise my kids myself. To have that impact on them. The love that is going to grow in this family by being able to strictly focus on my family. And teaching me self control when it comes to being a part of so many things outside my family. In today’s day, women are told they can do anything but because of this we do everything! I do believe that women can do anything but we don’t need to to it all. I was working (teaching & my business), I was volunteering, I was trying to be the perfect mom and wife and honestly pretty exhausted at everything. God brought my daughter into my life to refocus on what matters and help me find this self control.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”
‭‭John‬ ‭14:27‬ ‭ESV‬
It has been a harder time that ever to be a LEO wife (spouse). There are people out there that just want to hurt my husband because of what he chooses to do for a live for his family. The idea is scary to think of, especially with 2 little ones now. As we have another fallen officer, I can’t help but think “what if” at times. How in the world would we manage? But I know that is just the devil getting into my head. God gave my husband this drive, this passion to be a CHP Officer. As his wife, I fully support him and his career. I more than support, I am so proud to be a LEO wife. He does what people wouldn’t dare to do. And I have peace that God is with him every time he puts on that uniform , puts on that badge, drives those roads. I cannot be afraid or I will never make it through this life. So I pray, I read, I study and I know God’s peace within as we go through this journey.

What got me to think through all this is a new shirt I bought on Southern Charm Designs. I absolutely love her stuff! She focuses on first responders designs so I have a few different Thin Blue Line things but this past purchase has been my favorite.

Everyone needs to check out her stuff and fall in love too!

Hope this encourages you today!

The American Dream

So I want to get back to writing again. I have seen so many complain about the life of a LEO wife/family and I find it quite annoying. LOL Yes this life has many ups and downs. But the one thing I always go back to is I chose this life just as much as he did. I knew my husband wanted to be an officer of some kind when we were dating many years ago. So it wasn't a surprise when he got into the CHP. I knew what we were getting into. I knew it wasn't going to be all roses and rainbows. I knew he would miss holidays and family events. I knew that he could get called to court with days notice. I knew he wasn't going to be off work right on time after every shift. I'm not saying it's easy, AT ALL, but I'm saying I knew what to expect (somewhat) before he accepted the position and we said "I do".  If I was not willing to do this life, I would have walked away but I love my husband and was ready for the journey God had for us and our family. So I really hate to say it but "suck it up buttercup!" It's a journey that will have you laughing, crying, screaming, and loving every step of the way.

So I want to continue this blog to share our ups and downs and share that we are getting through it. And even better we are thriving through it. So it's been a year since I have written anything and life is really crazy beautiful! We now have an adorable 11 month old son, W, who has just changed our world for the better. But even more now, we are 17 weeks pregnant with our 2nd!!! It took so long for us to get pregnant with W I never imagined God would bless us with another one so quickly! We are so excited for our little Christmas miracle coming. So here we are, the Officer and the Teacher, almost 2 kids, a cat & dog, homeowners, almost debt free from college... seriously the American Dream. I hate to say that sometimes but then again we have worked hard to get where we are and are trusting and praising God every step of the way! This LEO family life has blessed us so much to be where we are. Again, not saying I am not pissed when he gets a late accident and I am doing dinner, playtime, bathtime and bed all on my own while pregnant. But when he does get off on time and walks through that door safely another day and W yells "dads" with a huge smile on his face, every bit of the downs are 100% worth it! So stay positive, stay humble, stay happy even when it's hard because it will get better and it will be worth it!

Edited:
I wrote this before church this morning yet I felt like my pastor was speaking exactly how I was feeling about this! So here are my notes from service because it goes so well and having God's word through this life is exactly what we need!

Hebrews 12:1-2 NKJV

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

1. Resilient people practice self control- 2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV- “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” Resilient people have a plan, and have a contingency plan... and so on. Get a grip, plan ahead and move on with their lives. Everything does not come easily! "I was not born with a silver spoon, but I had a spoon"- Pastor. You have to plug in to get it. The longer we push the limits, the stronger our faith becomes. 

Gratitude journal

I feel like I have been complaining A LOT lately. I don't want those negative thoughts always going through my mind. I want to have a grateful mind, heart and soul.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalms 37:4

I have way too many blessings in my life to be complaining that things are not happening at the time I want them too. I feel that God is really pulling me to delight in everything I have now, be content! People would kill for the blessings I have! I truly fell in love with my best friend and am so honored to call him my husband. He has an amazing career (although it's rough most of the time) that he loves so much and I can tell that is is truly a calling from God for him to be wear he is. Not only does he love it but it provides so well for us that we don't worry about financial issues which is huge, especially for our age. Not only do we have his career but my teaching job and business as well. Again, both things I get to call work I absolutely love! And I can seriously go on and on so I decided that I needed to remind myself of those amazing things everyday and started my gratitude journal today!

Last month when I went shopping with my mom one day at TJ Max, I was waiting for her by the door because I didn't find anything I wanted when this journal was just laying somewhere it didn't belong. I just knew I had to have it. Every page has a different Bible verse on it! I needed to start my gratitude journal but I never got around to it. So now I have. Today I started out just listing all the things I have grateful for. Filled up the whole page! I think I want focus on my gratefulness on the verse that is on the page each day. I think I may even share certain verses on here as a way to set the tone from here on out. I don't want this to be a a wife complaining (although I know I will every now and then, I am human). I want this to be a place to strength, faith, hope, love, etc. I want everyone to remember the amazing blessings we have in our lives not matter what we are going through. So tonight I love you with 1 James 1:2-18 and let it just remind our minds, fill out hearts and delight our souls for all God has for us. 😊

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position. But the rich should take pride in their humiliation—since they will pass away like a wild flower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business. Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.”

James 1:2-18 NIV

Up all night update

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. (Colossians 3:15-17 NIV)

So for some reason I cannot sleep tonight and it has been awhile since I have posted something so I figured I would open my Bible app and see what God was putting on my heart before I could close my eyes.

Many people struggle with the journey we are on. We are trying to understand what God has created us for and which way, which path will lead us there. I can honestly say that for the first time in my life I feel like I am EXACTLY where I am suppose to be and this feelings is amazing! I recently stepped down from a management position with my business and it was really scary to do so. I had worked really hard to get there and my pride didn't want to let go. But I knew God had other plans with my teaching and my family so I had to move forward. Not move on, God no! I will have my business till the day I die. My clients are the best! I actually ended up having my best sales month in a long time which just reaffirmed this all. I knew God had a different plan for my business and I shared that with everyone I could talk to about it and He sure blessed me for that. I also received an additional position at my teaching job. It is absolutely amazing what God can do when you really do listen to Him and just step out in faith! 

Now on to my husband. He has been training for about 2 months now with this motor training. Well, training wise, it has been great! He is getting better day by day and I love seeing his excitement. But he had a little "oops" last month and The Sargent made an example out of him for sure. See he scratched the car on a guardrail trying to squeeze by traffic to get to an accident. So the consequence for this was 3 days of training with a senior officer riding with him all day long. At first my husband was devastated. He is not your typical "a type" personality cops so when he doesn't do a good job it hurts him instead of pissing him off. But we prayed about it and I kept telling him it was going to work out for the better for him. We were so right! The officer that was partnered with him for 3 days was the motor officer that is training him to be a motor! So honestly it gave them 3 days of bonding that they haven't had a chance to really have. 

So this peace I feel, about my career choices and my husbands, couldn't be better. I am not saying I am perfect at all. God knows this woman is an emotional  wreck most of the time about something I can't control! Lol but when I get a chance to breathe and really see all that God has blessed us with and the journey I know is a head of us, this peace calms my heart, my head and my soul. So breathe it all in! And I pray God's peace over you too! 

Deaths, Births.... it's all a part of life...

These past 2 weeks has been challenging ones. In the matter of about 36 hours I had a friend of mine pas away suddenly and another friend bring her life into the world with her son. Talk about a roller coaster ride of emotions. 

This friend of mine was one of the sweetest guys I have ever had the privilege of getting to know. The hardest part for me was the last time  had a chance to really get to talk to him. We had meet about 5 years ago and hung out a lot over that first year or two. But like many friendship, life happens, we get busy and we don't make the same time for people. Every now and then we were comment on FB just to stay connected. The shock of his lost hit me like I had never felt before. But at the same time I had this very strange sense of peace


John 14:1-4 “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.”



I know he had an amazing heart. I know that God had his own plans for us and honestly maybe he used this loss for many of us to open our eyes and remember what is important and to reconnect those of us who had become too busy. Either way he is a guy who will always be remembered and I know he is just smiling down on us for making sure we celebrated his life the way he wanted us to. 

The day after I found out about his death was probably the hardest because I had to just go on like nothing ever happened and my heart just wasn't ready yet. But when I was feeling my saddest, I got to see the best picture, my friend had just given birth to her amazing handsome new son. From a heart filled with sorrow to a heart so overfilled with love and excitement for this new chapter in their lives and to be so blessed to be sharing in their excitement.  

Romans 8:26-28 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[i] have been called according to his purpose. 

These verses seemed to fit this whole ride all into a few verses. Weakness was the best way to put how I felt. Or maybe helpless. And I had no idea what to say to God. I was praying but I felt like all I could do was ask question after question waiting for answers. Here is that answer, Its all God's will. For me, maybe I needed to feel that loss to remember how amazing and blessed we are, especially when new life is brought. Holding that 6 day old little boy was one of the most amazing feelings! This little God given miracle, who knows what is in store for him, Knowing that God has a plan and we are to enjoy each and every day we are given because we have no idea when it is our time to be called back home. 

"Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth." 

I have no idea where this saying started or if that is even the right way to put it but they kept saying it at his celebration of life. This friend lived and loved like every day was his last. Maybe he knew something all of us didn't. Maybe I am over thinking all of it. But most of all I hope me being able to talk out all of these feelings helps someone else in the process of life and loss. We have an amazing God and we may not always understand all that is going on but He will always take us where we need to go. 

5 

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight

What's next for me?

Okay so the first year is over and he is on to the next thing but what about me? Well, being 27, having a pretty successful business, a successful teacher career as well and a very happy and fulfilling marriage with an amazingly Godly man who just loves his career too. Everyone seems to think there is just one thing left to do... have babies!

I think I have been pulled into this trap of feeling so underachieving since we haven't yet. People keep asking about it... I even had 2 people at church touch my belly and start asking questions. Do I look pregnant? How is this okay??? This is seriously something I have no control over and there is so much expectation for it. Believe me if I could just snap my fingers and do it I would but God has his own plan. I don't know how to tell people to leave it alone until we say that it is time. All it seems to do is create this worry, anxiousness and inadequacy in me which is not good at all.

Yesterday I pretty much had an emotional breakdown about it all. I just started crying out of nowhere and couldn't stop it either. Completely freaking out my husband of course. We had such a great dinner and we get home and ready for bed when I just roll over and cry. I was just filled with so much emotion over "why is this not happening?" and "can I even handle it when the time come?" and so much more kept going through my head. After of 30 minutes of fighting my husband not wanting to talk about it, he just started praying over me. Seriously, there is nothing better in the world than having such an amazing man of God as my partner in life. And of course he said exactly what I needed to hear and that is when everything came out like a flood!

"Why is this taking so long?"
"What if something is wrong?"
"People have 'accidents' all the time, why is it when some try it takes forever?"
"Why can other people just get it right the first time?"
"What if I can't handle it?"
"Are we really ready?"
"Why do I want this so bad?"
"Why do I feel like God is playing with my emotions?"
"What else can we do?"
"Is there something I am missing?"

Being at peace with something you have no control over is probably the hardest things ever. But like I have said before I believe I am a strong woman of God. Most of the time I am at peace with all that is going on in life and can just go with the flow. But we are all human and my human side loves to remind me how crazy life can be and throw me into some awful emotional states. But one of my favorite verses that always plays in my head during those times is
Philippians 4:13 "I Can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"

So today I decided to open up and read what leads up to this verse and God was really trying to show me peace...
10 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me.Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Wow! Being content is really where is all begins. If I am content with my family and my life the way it is, God will continue to bless me and my family. He hasn't failed me, what makes me worry like he would now?

So basically I hope someone learns something from all of this, other than just me of course, (Which this is amazing therapeutic! If you have never blogged yourself, you should try it. You can talk yourself through a lot and maybe help others too)
-If you know if a couple who is "trying" leave them alone about it. Stop asking. Stop bringing it up. When it happens, they will be more than happy to share the big news. I
-If you are going through it yourself, remember God has amazing plans for you and it is REALLY hard sometimes to just relax and enjoy the journey He has when you want something so exciting. Be happy, content and at peace about as much as you can.
-Its okay to be human and breakdown, just remember to fallback on the one who love you and can lead you back to your true peace in God. :)