FTO, motor, both... who knows!

So I guess the fun of CHP is there is really so much that can be done. About 6 months ago my husband started training for motor officer. Now this is something he always had in the back of his mind since starting the CHP application 2 1/2 years ago. He even got his motorcycle license like weeks before he went to the academy. But when another motor offered to help train him, he was all for it. It has been really great. There is nothing like seeing him all excited after practicing or even just riding around to do errand. He is much more willing to go out and do errands when he can do it on his bike lol. But since going to graves he hasn't had as much time to practice. Not to mention that the clutch broke and needed repairs about 2 weeks ago so now that that is all fix and ready to go he is back at it. Especially since his office has officially ordered more bikes and the motor sergeant asked if he was ready to go back to the academy. The fire is right back in him!

There is just one little problem towards this goal now, FTO (field training officer) training. So since he is in one of the busiest offices (if not, the busiest office) in the state, they get a lot of turn around. What that means is people don't really stay in Santa Fe Springs. Why get paid the same to do more work? Well we grew up here so were not leaving anytime soon. And my husband loves being busy with work so its not a problem for us at the moment. But they do get new officers in the officer all the time! Pretty much every graduating class there will be at least a few that go to the SFS office. But this next graduating class has like 20 coming! Obviously they are not use to that many new officers so they need more FTOs to train these guys. So even though he did not volunteer to be an FTO, someone is going to FTO training next month. 

Now if you ask me, I am really excited about this. I believe my husband is a great teacher/mentor! I think he has the patients to work with newbies without being an ass about it. He had some pretty good trainers too so that really helps as well. I like the idea that he will be partnered with someone all the time. I like the idea that the newbie will be taking most of the paperwork lol. I think this is going to be a great opportunity for him. But I know how much motor means to him. Like I said before, there is nothing to compare to see him when he just gets off his bike. He truly lights up. But the good thing is he has talked with the different sergeants to see if FTO will get in the way of him being a motor and they told him that motor is his priority. It is really nice to know that they support him in all of this. But I am excited for these new things he gets to do and can't wait to see what God has planned for him these next few months! 

On another note, it has been almost 2 years now since he received that letter saying he was accepted into the CHP academy and we headed up to Sacramento. What an amazing ride we have been on ever since then! Blessed doesn't even begin to express how I feel about it! 

Ps 128:1-4 NIV Blessed are all who fear the Lord, who walk in obedience to him. You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table. Yes, this will be the blessing for the man who fears the Lord.

Too much time to think...

The thing I hate most about grave shift is there is so much alone time. And some people would this. Me? I HATE IT! I am a person who is way too much in my own head so when I am alone I over analyze everything. With the husband going back to work tonight after about a week off I have a lot of emotion to go through from this past week. It all came flooding to the surface when I saw one of the most beautiful pictures of a friend and her family.

I want that. That look on her husband's face and he is holding their child. I just cried. Really crying still. It was perfect. And it just felt like this is never going to be a reality for me. And I know that is not true. I have no idea what God's plan is for us. It just feels so far away right now. So I was searching online just for some words of wisdom and found this site 

http://www.hipsterhomemaker.com/things-you-never-say-to-a-person-struggling-with-infertility/

We don't really struggle with infertility, just the ability to make this work at the right now right now lol. But I still want to share these past few weeks and connect her "things to say" with some "rules" of my own. 

About 2 weeks ago, while preparing things for a baby shower for another CHP wife, my mom told me I had to call my sister. Obviously talking about baby stuff and she randomly tells me this, she's saying she pregnant. So I got to hear the news from her which was awesome but awful too because she was afraid to tell me because she knows we are "trying" too. I mean my sister has been "trying" for 6 years so of course I would be happy. Rule #1: don't be afraid to share your joy with me! Yes I may find it hard (depending on who you are lol) but it is still an amazing thing and would love to share in that joy! But if I don't want to talk about it, that's okay too.

But along with that I'll give Rule #2: don't feel bad for us, especially don't show it. At the baby shower, we had a nice intimate group. The conversation some how came up to how long the women with children took to conceive. And they started discussing how hard it would be for it to be longer than I think the 4 months one of them took. Here we are almost a year and do I say something about it? Obviously people didn't know we have been "trying" so do I speak up or just keep my silence. I find that silence doesn't help anyone so I chose to speak up. This is hard. Every month when AF shows up and all I want to do is cry and wonder what is wrong with me. But we need love, prayer, support not pity. 

This is I guess a good time for Rule #3:I need someone to ask me how I am doing sometimes and be willing to see the tears. Last week I was having all kind of "symptoms" but I try not to get too excited because my PMS symptoms are like every pregnancy symptom in the book. But in the same day my sister found out she was/will be miscarrying and AF was suppose to show and she wasn't there yet. So many emotion and no one to talk to. And when AF did finally show the next day, no comments were made. No conversation about how crappy it was or maybe next time. Nothing. I feel so alone at times. I want to scream inside and I suck it up and stay strong and act like its nothing. I guess that's where this blog comes in right? 

But Rule #4:I love "baby time"! It reminds me of the joys that will come if we do not lose faith. Yes I want to hold, feed, play, sing, walk, and even change your baby lol. You need a break and I need love so let's make it work. I guess I can't say his for everyone but for me it is so therapeutic. But also know I will not bother you. You have kids, I don't so I find it awkward to be like "hey let's hang out, get coffee." 

I think that is all the "rules" I have for now lol. So to connect this with our CHP life... What is with CHP families and their millions of kids! I feel like everyone is a stay at home mom with like 3-4 kids. It just makes introductions awkward. Everyone doing their intros and talking about all their kids and here I am... I work. I mean I really love my CHP wives. There is nothing like being a part of this family. This family will go above and beyond for one another in a crisis. But not having a child makes a big disconnect in it sometimes too. You can tell people don't know how to talk to me because I just work. Asking about kids and getting all involved in those conversation are easy but work can only go so far. Especially when I mention my business. God forbid sometime people think I am just there to sell them something, like anywhere of course. But when you don't have kids you can only talk about their kids for so long.

But I know things will change. This is all still so new. Kids will come in due time. I just need to talk it through all the time and keep remind myself. But hopefully someone is reading this and is finally feeling like they are not alone! This is okay to talk about. We need to talk. We need to share our stories more and more so people know it is normal and okay and they will make it through. 

Hopefully I don't need to talk about this anymore... Only one more month on graves (hopefully), motor training up north and buying our first home by the end of the year! Here is to the next 3 months of life changing events!!! :)

Gratitude journal

I feel like I have been complaining A LOT lately. I don't want those negative thoughts always going through my mind. I want to have a grateful mind, heart and soul.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalms 37:4

I have way too many blessings in my life to be complaining that things are not happening at the time I want them too. I feel that God is really pulling me to delight in everything I have now, be content! People would kill for the blessings I have! I truly fell in love with my best friend and am so honored to call him my husband. He has an amazing career (although it's rough most of the time) that he loves so much and I can tell that is is truly a calling from God for him to be wear he is. Not only does he love it but it provides so well for us that we don't worry about financial issues which is huge, especially for our age. Not only do we have his career but my teaching job and business as well. Again, both things I get to call work I absolutely love! And I can seriously go on and on so I decided that I needed to remind myself of those amazing things everyday and started my gratitude journal today!

Last month when I went shopping with my mom one day at TJ Max, I was waiting for her by the door because I didn't find anything I wanted when this journal was just laying somewhere it didn't belong. I just knew I had to have it. Every page has a different Bible verse on it! I needed to start my gratitude journal but I never got around to it. So now I have. Today I started out just listing all the things I have grateful for. Filled up the whole page! I think I want focus on my gratefulness on the verse that is on the page each day. I think I may even share certain verses on here as a way to set the tone from here on out. I don't want this to be a a wife complaining (although I know I will every now and then, I am human). I want this to be a place to strength, faith, hope, love, etc. I want everyone to remember the amazing blessings we have in our lives not matter what we are going through. So tonight I love you with 1 James 1:2-18 and let it just remind our minds, fill out hearts and delight our souls for all God has for us. 😊

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position. But the rich should take pride in their humiliation—since they will pass away like a wild flower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business. Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.”

James 1:2-18 NIV