Choosing Joy

Lets just put it all out there... the life of an officer's wife can been stressful enough. Now let's add 2 under 2 (graduate) to the mix and take away an income. I have every right to be stressed out, wigged out crazy most days. 

But I have even more of an obligation to choose to be joyful instead! Just so you know my favorite band is For King and Country and their song “Joy” is totally the inspiration I get for this.

You see, I am a planner. I love my calendar app. I like having a daily schedule. I like to be organized. Everything has a place. But as an officer's wife plans can change in an instant (or just being married to my husband can do that too, sorry babe lol) God knows that kids don't believe in schedules and to top it off they are a GIANT mess, especially 2 toddlers. 

I was noticing that I was being really harsh with my husband and my kids when I really didn't need to be. I was closing myself off from them too so I could "take a break" (check fb/play a phone game/stupid stuff) so I could be ready to handle them. 

I like to laugh with God when I think about where I am in life right now. Good one buddy! You got me! Thanks for all the teachings hahaha now can I have my life back now...

That's not how it works, so I am (finally) choosing to really (and I mean really) just give it all up to God and go with the flow of the day (day by day) and choose to be happy with every situation that is thrown my way throughout the day. Some days are WAY harder than I think it should be while other days so me just how blessed to be in love with my best friend and have these 2 beautiful babies to teach and help grow to be amazing people. Most people don't live this but I do and I need to be grateful and show that daily. This doesn't mean I can't get upset, but I am not letting that upset ruin a whole day. 

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12 ESV

I could go on and explain how my children really decided to test me last week and see if I could handle being joyful all day (insert my youngest screaming bloody murder as we walk into the happiest place on earth, all the way up till we get to the castle. Its Disneyland for heaven's sake! There's no crying at Disneyland!)

Below are a few verses I keep on my phone to read and pray on when I notice I am getting in a mood. Remember, this is a beautiful life we have been given! We get to choose how we feel about our situations and from now on I am choosing joy!

“In every situation take up the shield of faith with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.”
Ephesians 6:16 CSB

“Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in everything; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 CSB

“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”
Romans 12:12 ESV

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
James 1:2-4 ESV

“do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:6-7 ESV

2 under 2... and a trainee

This past month has been crazy! My husband is an FTO (field training officer) and this past mo th he has had a phase 3 (month 3 on) trainee. Pretty sure I hate road life and/or FTO life now. I was thinking “third phase this should be good! He should have his shit together and be on top of stuff so that he can be ready to go out alone. Third phase should be awesome”. ABSOLUTELY WRONG! I’m pretty sure my husband worked 16 hour days 90% of the month! Meaning dinner? Just me and the kids. Bath time? Just me and the kids. Bed time? Just me and the kids! He was going days without seeing his kids. It has been insane! I have never wanted 8 hour shifts so bad before! Now I can get over it and do what needs to be done, and my daughter is too young to notice dad not around. But my son would just break my heart. Now he would act like he understood when I would say “sorry buddy daddy’s at work” but some nights he would just stand by the door and say “dada” over and over. Teaching your children this LEO life is harder than I thought it was going to be.

But with the bad, comes the good! There was an in office position opening up as all this was going on and my husband was interested. After a lot of discussion and prayer we decided it was worth applying for. The worst things were going with the trainee the better this position was looking. And thankfully he got an interview and even better the position! Shift work has been so much harder with 2 under 2 than I ever thought it was going to be. But this new office life hours should be nice! Knowing he will always be home at 4:45, always knowing he has weekends and holidays off. Being able to actually plan the next year will be amazing!

So I am feeling like my favorite verse goes perfect with this month.
“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭6:9‬ ‭NIV‬‬
There are always going to be trails, but how we handle them to make it through is what makes the end even sweeter. God always has a great plan for us, we just have to keep moving forward and trusting in him.

Too much time to think...

The thing I hate most about grave shift is there is so much alone time. And some people would this. Me? I HATE IT! I am a person who is way too much in my own head so when I am alone I over analyze everything. With the husband going back to work tonight after about a week off I have a lot of emotion to go through from this past week. It all came flooding to the surface when I saw one of the most beautiful pictures of a friend and her family.

I want that. That look on her husband's face and he is holding their child. I just cried. Really crying still. It was perfect. And it just felt like this is never going to be a reality for me. And I know that is not true. I have no idea what God's plan is for us. It just feels so far away right now. So I was searching online just for some words of wisdom and found this site 

http://www.hipsterhomemaker.com/things-you-never-say-to-a-person-struggling-with-infertility/

We don't really struggle with infertility, just the ability to make this work at the right now right now lol. But I still want to share these past few weeks and connect her "things to say" with some "rules" of my own. 

About 2 weeks ago, while preparing things for a baby shower for another CHP wife, my mom told me I had to call my sister. Obviously talking about baby stuff and she randomly tells me this, she's saying she pregnant. So I got to hear the news from her which was awesome but awful too because she was afraid to tell me because she knows we are "trying" too. I mean my sister has been "trying" for 6 years so of course I would be happy. Rule #1: don't be afraid to share your joy with me! Yes I may find it hard (depending on who you are lol) but it is still an amazing thing and would love to share in that joy! But if I don't want to talk about it, that's okay too.

But along with that I'll give Rule #2: don't feel bad for us, especially don't show it. At the baby shower, we had a nice intimate group. The conversation some how came up to how long the women with children took to conceive. And they started discussing how hard it would be for it to be longer than I think the 4 months one of them took. Here we are almost a year and do I say something about it? Obviously people didn't know we have been "trying" so do I speak up or just keep my silence. I find that silence doesn't help anyone so I chose to speak up. This is hard. Every month when AF shows up and all I want to do is cry and wonder what is wrong with me. But we need love, prayer, support not pity. 

This is I guess a good time for Rule #3:I need someone to ask me how I am doing sometimes and be willing to see the tears. Last week I was having all kind of "symptoms" but I try not to get too excited because my PMS symptoms are like every pregnancy symptom in the book. But in the same day my sister found out she was/will be miscarrying and AF was suppose to show and she wasn't there yet. So many emotion and no one to talk to. And when AF did finally show the next day, no comments were made. No conversation about how crappy it was or maybe next time. Nothing. I feel so alone at times. I want to scream inside and I suck it up and stay strong and act like its nothing. I guess that's where this blog comes in right? 

But Rule #4:I love "baby time"! It reminds me of the joys that will come if we do not lose faith. Yes I want to hold, feed, play, sing, walk, and even change your baby lol. You need a break and I need love so let's make it work. I guess I can't say his for everyone but for me it is so therapeutic. But also know I will not bother you. You have kids, I don't so I find it awkward to be like "hey let's hang out, get coffee." 

I think that is all the "rules" I have for now lol. So to connect this with our CHP life... What is with CHP families and their millions of kids! I feel like everyone is a stay at home mom with like 3-4 kids. It just makes introductions awkward. Everyone doing their intros and talking about all their kids and here I am... I work. I mean I really love my CHP wives. There is nothing like being a part of this family. This family will go above and beyond for one another in a crisis. But not having a child makes a big disconnect in it sometimes too. You can tell people don't know how to talk to me because I just work. Asking about kids and getting all involved in those conversation are easy but work can only go so far. Especially when I mention my business. God forbid sometime people think I am just there to sell them something, like anywhere of course. But when you don't have kids you can only talk about their kids for so long.

But I know things will change. This is all still so new. Kids will come in due time. I just need to talk it through all the time and keep remind myself. But hopefully someone is reading this and is finally feeling like they are not alone! This is okay to talk about. We need to talk. We need to share our stories more and more so people know it is normal and okay and they will make it through. 

Hopefully I don't need to talk about this anymore... Only one more month on graves (hopefully), motor training up north and buying our first home by the end of the year! Here is to the next 3 months of life changing events!!! :)