Powerless

Powerless... that's how my husband put it. Over the past few months, I have had a day here and there where I just want to be upset. I want to stay in bed. I don't want to hang out, be happy, do anything. Its hard at times for  Christian to feel this way. I am always a positive person. I know that God has me all the time and that makes this life a beautiful thing. But somedays, lately, it feels far from it.

The kids wake up screaming at each other

Keyboard warriors at it again

LEO wives asking for prayer bc theirs destruction in their area, or the government is not backing up their department, their significant other is back out at it again and they are scared.

Everything is closing up again

Being a SAHM, LEOW during all this is probably the worst possible thing. I think the only thing that could make it worse is if my kids were school aged bc homeschool through this would be a nightmare. Just preschool homeschool is. But it for sure has pulled me deep into the word.

 

16 But I have raised you up[a] for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth. Exodus 9:16

This was a verse in a devotional a read the day after talking to my husband about all I was feeling.  If that wasn't God talking straight to me about feeling so powerless, then I don't know how the big the sign would need to be. LOL I will not let the loud minority make me feel powerless when I am a Child of God. I may not have to fight every battle online but I will not be quiet. I will wear my blue line gear with pride. I will go outside, to a park, and play with my kids. I will enjoy time and open conversations with friends and family in person. 

17 I urge you, brothers and sisters, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them. 18 For such people are not serving our Lord Christ, but their own appetites. By smooth talk and flattery they deceive the minds of naive people. Romans 16:17-18

But I will keep bringing up scripture. I will equip myself, my heart and my mind with the word of God to back it up and share with everyone who is willing to have a conversation. I will find God's power when I am feeling my most powerless.  

BTW, if you haven't read the book "Stop Calling Me Beautiful" by Phylicia Masonheimer, I highly recommend you get it! We need to get deep and dirty into the Gospel.  

FInding a Happy Place

Yesterday would have been a Disneyland day. I know, first world problems, but hear me out.

Where do you go when life just seems too much? Where do you go for a break? Especially when you have young kids. Where is that happy place that can reset you to be a better mom, wife?

Mine is Disneyland. It really is the Happiest Place on Earth for me. It was where we had our first date (downtown Disney), it was where we spent our first year dating/getting to know each other, it was where we got engaged, it was where we spent our honeymoon, it has been where we celebrate our kids birthdays. It is filled with amazing memories, a safe place to be a mom of 2 young kids, and my true happy place.

But since March it has been closed, along with the rest of the world. I have be on "shelter in place" with a 2 and 3 year old. So since this has started, there has not been many breaks. Someone needs something from mama at all times. "Get me a snack", "play with me", "wipe my tushy". On top of laundry, breakfast/lunch/dinner, grocery shopping, clean house. Lets not even add that my 2 year old love to ear piercing scream in excitement, anger, sadness, and every other emotion she has. 

It's not like any of this is new (except now I have 2 "wipe my tushy" instead of 1, potty training) but now the times where I am more than just these things are few and far between. Especially when bigger crimes are happening AND the nation decides to protest police because of the actions of one bad apple. Not only am I not getting a break from handling all at home for at least a little bit when daddy walks through the door, but now lets add worry. anxiety, stress of my husband at work on top of it all. 

I'm officially done. I am wiped out. I am on empty. No matter how much I am reminded of the amazing things God is doing and will continue to do, I am just done.

I miss people. I miss hugs.  I miss park time. I miss watching my littles make friends. I miss going on adventures with my littles. I miss seeing peoples smiles. I miss getting dressed up for date night.(we did get 1 last week!) I miss just going to get ice cream with my family without having to think "do I need a mask? do my kids need masks?". If someone wants to tell me that masks are the new normal I might just have to punch them in the face and share that's my new normal. (okay, not really but it might make me feel better lol)

I guess the hardest part is as things are starting to open and get back to business, things involving children have not and probably won't for awhile. Children are messy, dirty, germy creatures. They are not going to wear masks. They are going to touch everyone and everything. The world doesn't know how to handle that which means they will be on lockdown even longer. Which means SAHMs will be on lockdown even longer. 

So where do we go? How do I find that balance again of enjoying my children and keeping my sanity. Where can they run around safely and it be a mini mental break for mama? Or at least wear them out enough so they nap and give mama a mental break then. (Naptime has been a NIGHTMARE lately). 

And then guilt hits me. If I am feeling this way, how are all my other mamas doing? Why am I too concerned about myself to check in on them? Or anyone else? 

Today, I will be continually work on my kids being okay with playing with just one another instead of asking mama every 5 mins. Today I will try to do the things that need to get done while they are playing instead of hoping an praying for naptime. Today I am not cooking because I don't need to. Today I might actually reach out for help instead of waiting around for someone to offer it. Today I will open my Bible, turn on my music and keep listening to what God has for me. 

Isaiah 41:13

For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. 

Psalm 23 1:5

The LORD is my shepherd; I have what I need. He lets me lie down in green pastures; he leads me beside quiet waters. He renews my life; he leads me along the right paths for his name's sake. Even when I go through the darkest valley. I fear no danger, for you are with me; your rod and your staff- they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Matthew 11:28

"Come to me , all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest"

Philippians 4:7

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. 

That quarantine life

Well looking back at my first post of the year seem laughable now.

Hello all! Welcome to April 2020! I have been quarantined with 2 toddlers for 6 weeks now while my husband is an "essential" worker. (Of course, but that's nothing new) 😳

So far, it just feels a bit like "Groundhogs day". What am I going to do today to keep these kids out of trouble? Crafts, games, outside time, ipad time, movies, car rides. Keeping a 2 and 3 year old active and out of trouble but at the same time not just trying to completely entertain them since they need to learn to do that themselves has been good. They actually have had to learn how to play better with each other which is an awesome thing. So good job quarantine, you have taught my kids to play together. 👍

But this mama is losing her mind, one day at a time. My main conversations are with toddlers. Some days my husband forgets that when I am just a chatter box when he gets home. I had to completely breakdown and explain this to him. They don't get it all the time because its just life as normal. He is still going to work, still doing his thing, still chatting with his coworkers. I am lucky if I get a zoom/facetime chat with my friends/family longer than 15 mins bc my toddlers are going nuts with my attention elsewhere.

People rarely understand that when you are a first responder spouse and there is an emergency like this, your family comes together to handle it, my husband leaves his to protect yours. You can say whatever you like about having to work from home now and figuring out your new normal. This is my normal. In fact, I actually saw him less the first 2 weeks because he had to work a few 12-16 hour OT shifts. My normal is I have to handle my family while he has to protect yours. We don't get to come together. We say I love you and stay safe and pray he doesn't bring this home.

The funny thing is, the one thing I have been sure of since the first day of all this... God's got it. I don't feel a bit of anxiety about what is going on in the world. I feel its a wake up call for everyone to find their faith. Find that trust in God. I am actually not too worried about my husband getting sick or getting us sick. This virus doesn't scare me. It has been an amazing thing to see the community that can be created when we are in something together to take care of each other. The amount of love that has been pouring in on our family during this time has been amazing. We were blessed to change churches about a year ago and it was such the right decision for our little family and we especially see it now. We needed a community and they have been so much more than we could have ever prayed for.

So here is to another 4 weeks (at least) of the same old things around here. I mean it is California so God knows we are not opening anything any time soon 😔 But we will keep moving forward. I will keep these little humans alive, educated and entertained. LOL I will kiss my husband goodbye every morning and welcome home every time he walks back through that door. And I cannot wait to hug people again!

For God did not appoint us to wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, ¹⁰ who died for us, so that whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. ¹¹ Therefore encourage one another and build each other up as you are already doing. 1 Thess 5:9-11

2020 Vision

Since it is the theme of EVERYTHING, might as well use it too. But to have a clear vision, we must first look back.
2019- If you ask me, this year was probably one of the biggest growth years our family has had. The stress it was to get through our first year with 2 kids was so much on me personally and our marriage in 2018 that 2019 meant we got to reconnect and rebalance our family. The decision to change churches was also a huge step that created so much joy and peace throughout the year as well. And I got to focus and figure out myself and reconnect my personal faith again. God showed us to much grace and love this last year and I am hoping it with just grow from here.

So what does 2020 look like for this CHP family?
I’m hoping it looks like my husband getting to venture into new avenues in the department and new trainings because this is a great time for him to do so. If your husband has opportunities to add to his resume, make sure you can support him in those as much as possible! For a family in so cal, him doing trainings up north isn’t always ideal but they can be great connections made, ideas learned and even fun family adventures if you have the means to do that with him.

For our family?
I am hoping to get more organized with the idea of homeschooling these littles one day. By starting now with toddler activities and preschool lessons to get my head wrapped around what it would look like.
Maybe a move? Maybe a remodel? Maybe an addition? (In more ways than one) Only God knows those answers but we are opening our hearts and minds for what He does have planned for us this year and going to take it day by day, step by step knowing He has the best plans laid out for us if we just continue to walk with Him. Trusting he has made us just for this journey.

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:33‬ ‭CSB‬‬

So here is to 2020! May it be a blessed one for you and yours!

Proverbs 31 LEO wife

What a week to decide to have a mindset shift!

Let me start off by saying, C watch families are some strong families!

This past week, command has been hard on my husband about a big case he picked up last year that has still been hanging over his head. All of a sudden it is "why isn't this finished". 🙄 I'm not even going to get into the fact that he shouldn't have had the main handle on this case in the first place. Anyway, a deadline was given and OT was agreed on so basically my husband has been working 7-5, dinner and play with kids till bed time, back to work till about midnight- 1am, all week. Actually, tonight they just decided to stay at work and power through as long as they can.

Now, last week me would be pissed. Last week me would have been exhausted. She would have been angry with the command. She would have been annoyed with her husband leaving her all alone with the kids. Last week, I wouldn't have been able to sleep without him next to me. Last week me probably would have lost it at some point.

But, thankfully, God prepared me, prepared my heart and my mind for this.

The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will not lack anything good.
¹² She rewards him with good, not evil,
all the days of her life.
Proverbs 31:11-12 (CSB)

Being an understanding, supportive wife is so much more as a LEO wife. We are honestly at the mercy of job. When duty calls, we must have their backs. We must not make home life more stressful because we are upset with what is going on at work. And I am not saying that it easy by any means! Daily I am frustrated with the stories my husband comes home with. But my job isn't to fix that. Its to find what my husband needs from me to make it through that and be the best support possible!

And this CHP family life is not that bad people. They make decent money. Enough for us to live on just his income with 2 kids and a morgage, and honestly then some. My job is to raise amazing little humans, which consist of Disneyland trips, library storytimes, children church gatherings, playdates, mom group, time with grammy and papa... all while he is working. Of course there are the tantrums,
fighting, screaming, misbehaving, not eating but God created me to handle all of that, and honestly then some. This life may not be easy but oh is it worth every minute of it!

So tonight I am grateful for a husband that followed his dream to the CHP and provides this family with a life I could only have dreamed of. I know he may have to miss out on a few things here and there to provide it but it will never go unnoticed. It will never be unappreciated. We will keep creating as many amazing memories as we can to make sure daddy is always a part of them. ❤

About last night

Last night my husband got out his class A uniform, made sure his brass was shined enough, extra shined his boots, grabbed his nice hat put it all together for today. This is done when something really good has happened or really bad... unfortunately, he is on his way to a CHP officers memorial.

Last week, while doing a routine traffic stop, a motor officer was shot to death in a crazy freeway shootout. 2 other officers were wounded. If you didn't notice, the word ROUTINE was used. Driver broke a law, officer pulled him over, ran his information and decided the proper action for situation. While the officer was filling out paperwork, the suspect decided he didn't like the outcome and pulled a gun. (that he didn't get legally of course, in case any was wondering 🙄)

It was the first time I was on edge about learning more about the situation and the officers involved. It was the first time my heart sank that maybe it could be someone we know. It was the first time I felt the need to reach out to other wives and make sure everyone else was okay. It was way too close to home.

Last night my husband probably didn't even notice that I was quiet because it was one of the first times I was actually hurting and a bit scared about this job. I am really big on being a strong, supportive LEO wife. I knew what my husband was getting into when he signed up. I knew what I was getting into by marrying him still. So supportive I will always be. Choosing faith over fear is what I always do. But last night, I'm quiet. Last night, I had a pain in stomach and couldn't sleep. Last night, I tried not to cry knowing another wife is having to say goodbye to her husband of only a short time all because some guy didn't like him doing his job.  Last night, my heart truly felt the heaviness of this thin blue line.

Now, of course, this doesn't mean my thoughts of what it means to be a LEO wife have changed. But accepting these thoughts, these feelings and going through them are good. I'm human, and I can't let my emotions get the best of me but I can feel them and I can find the guidance I need to work through them.

Psalm 91

¹ Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
    will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
² This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
    he is my God, and I trust him.
³ For he will rescue you from every trap
    and protect you from deadly disease.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers.
    He will shelter you with his wings.
    His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
⁵ Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,
    nor the arrow that flies in the day.
⁶ Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,
    nor the disaster that strikes at midday.
⁷ Though a thousand fall at your side,
    though ten thousand are dying around you,
    these evils will not touch you.
⁸ Just open your eyes,
    and see how the wicked are punished.

⁹ If you make the Lord your refuge,
    if you make the Most High your shelter,
¹⁰ no evil will conquer you;
    no plague will come near your home.
¹¹ For he will order his angels
    to protect you wherever you go.
¹² They will hold you up with their hands
    so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.
¹³ You will trample upon lions and cobras;
    you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!

¹⁴ The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.
    I will protect those who trust in my name.
¹⁵ When they call on me, I will answer;
    I will be with them in trouble.
    I will rescue and honor them.
¹⁶ I will reward them with a long life
    and give them my salvation.”

So tonight I will laugh with him a little more, hug him a little tighter, kiss a littler longer, and hold on to what we have now. Reality may be setting in but our faith will always get us through it.

Choosing Joy

Lets just put it all out there... the life of an officer's wife can been stressful enough. Now let's add 2 under 2 (graduate) to the mix and take away an income. I have every right to be stressed out, wigged out crazy most days. 

But I have even more of an obligation to choose to be joyful instead! Just so you know my favorite band is For King and Country and their song “Joy” is totally the inspiration I get for this.

You see, I am a planner. I love my calendar app. I like having a daily schedule. I like to be organized. Everything has a place. But as an officer's wife plans can change in an instant (or just being married to my husband can do that too, sorry babe lol) God knows that kids don't believe in schedules and to top it off they are a GIANT mess, especially 2 toddlers. 

I was noticing that I was being really harsh with my husband and my kids when I really didn't need to be. I was closing myself off from them too so I could "take a break" (check fb/play a phone game/stupid stuff) so I could be ready to handle them. 

I like to laugh with God when I think about where I am in life right now. Good one buddy! You got me! Thanks for all the teachings hahaha now can I have my life back now...

That's not how it works, so I am (finally) choosing to really (and I mean really) just give it all up to God and go with the flow of the day (day by day) and choose to be happy with every situation that is thrown my way throughout the day. Some days are WAY harder than I think it should be while other days so me just how blessed to be in love with my best friend and have these 2 beautiful babies to teach and help grow to be amazing people. Most people don't live this but I do and I need to be grateful and show that daily. This doesn't mean I can't get upset, but I am not letting that upset ruin a whole day. 

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12 ESV

I could go on and explain how my children really decided to test me last week and see if I could handle being joyful all day (insert my youngest screaming bloody murder as we walk into the happiest place on earth, all the way up till we get to the castle. Its Disneyland for heaven's sake! There's no crying at Disneyland!)

Below are a few verses I keep on my phone to read and pray on when I notice I am getting in a mood. Remember, this is a beautiful life we have been given! We get to choose how we feel about our situations and from now on I am choosing joy!

“In every situation take up the shield of faith with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.”
Ephesians 6:16 CSB

“Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in everything; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 CSB

“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”
Romans 12:12 ESV

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
James 1:2-4 ESV

“do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:6-7 ESV

5 years down!

How has it been almost another year since I have been able to sit down and write???

HOW HAS 5 YEARS GONE BY SINCE MY HUSBAND GRADUATED THE ACADEMY???

This past year has been big in giving me insight for the future. I really want to focus myself and my family on what is important and that's God and each other. Maybe its all the negativity in the world or just all that is shared in the media and social media, but I want everything I say and do to be making people better/happy/inspired/encouraged. I also want to share God's word more and have more confidence in what I am sharing. So hopefully I will have more time to share how this CHP wife and SAHM mom of 2 really looks when you live a life truly of Faith over Fear.

It's almost been a year since my husband has moved to an office position and I LOVE IT! I am a very schedule/organized person. Now that my husbands schedule is consistent, I can plan dinner (almost) every night, outings over his weekend, DATE NIGHTS! This is also really great the little ones because they know daddy will be home for dinner (for the most part). They know daddy will play with them over the weekend. I really hope that through the negotiations (that will hopefully start again soon) they can come up with something that helps create consistency for all officers. It can honestly be a 180 for a family if they can make it work.

But lets go back to the idea of date night for today. Especially with having 2 little ones, I noticed that we were not focused on us. I mean why do new need to be? We are married. I already got him, right? 😉 I mean we are both exhausted from the day (between work and the kids). Not having the energy for each other is understandable. But its not okay and I was really feeling it and I know he was too. So for Valentines day I bought us some reading lol. It's called Fierce Marriage and they also wrote 2 "devotional" type books call Husband/Wife in Pursuit (perfect title for a LEO couple huh, even though it has nothing to do with that). This is probably one of the best things we have done for our marriage. Now you don't have to be "falling apart" to decided to do something like this. We have a pretty strong marriage. We just have been getting caught up in everything else that we were forgetting about the other which is so easy to do, especially in his line of work. Finding the balance of letting him have his time to wind down from work and being there for me and the kids is hard. So we started reading these devotional and we actually had to stop on day 10 of 31 because we were spending so much focus on each other it was a little exhausting lol. But just in those 10 days it refocused us back on each other and what the other one does ourselves, for our family and our walk with Christ. Even though I am almost always a crazy ball of hormones thanks to birth control it feels like, we have a lot more understanding and patience with each other and spending that time we need too with each other. Again, we are not perfect, nor will we ever be but we sure can strive to be a better couple pursuing one another while we pursue God more.

1 John 4:18 ¹⁸There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

So don't forget to keep dating! There is no reason that this profession should have a higher divorce rate if we are both in it for the long haul, able and willing to purse one another!

2 under 2... and a trainee

This past month has been crazy! My husband is an FTO (field training officer) and this past mo th he has had a phase 3 (month 3 on) trainee. Pretty sure I hate road life and/or FTO life now. I was thinking “third phase this should be good! He should have his shit together and be on top of stuff so that he can be ready to go out alone. Third phase should be awesome”. ABSOLUTELY WRONG! I’m pretty sure my husband worked 16 hour days 90% of the month! Meaning dinner? Just me and the kids. Bath time? Just me and the kids. Bed time? Just me and the kids! He was going days without seeing his kids. It has been insane! I have never wanted 8 hour shifts so bad before! Now I can get over it and do what needs to be done, and my daughter is too young to notice dad not around. But my son would just break my heart. Now he would act like he understood when I would say “sorry buddy daddy’s at work” but some nights he would just stand by the door and say “dada” over and over. Teaching your children this LEO life is harder than I thought it was going to be.

But with the bad, comes the good! There was an in office position opening up as all this was going on and my husband was interested. After a lot of discussion and prayer we decided it was worth applying for. The worst things were going with the trainee the better this position was looking. And thankfully he got an interview and even better the position! Shift work has been so much harder with 2 under 2 than I ever thought it was going to be. But this new office life hours should be nice! Knowing he will always be home at 4:45, always knowing he has weekends and holidays off. Being able to actually plan the next year will be amazing!

So I am feeling like my favorite verse goes perfect with this month.
“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭6:9‬ ‭NIV‬‬
There are always going to be trails, but how we handle them to make it through is what makes the end even sweeter. God always has a great plan for us, we just have to keep moving forward and trusting in him.

Late night again

So with 2 under 2 now I rely on my husband more when he gets home from work. I try my best to time dinner accordingly, time for him and his boy to hangout before he goes to bed and then snuggles with his girl before she goes down. And maybe even a few moments just for us before starting all over again the next day. But being off on time is hardly a thing in this LA area office, that I’m use to, but getting the phone call “there has been a fatal in the area, don’t expect me tonight” are words that just suck all around.

I can get pissed off that I now have the whole day just me and the kids, even bath and bed tonight but what good does that do. And unfortunately someone out there just lost a family member. Others could be a part of this and have to live with taking a life. My husband is now exposed  to an awful scene.  Honestly the last thing I thought about when I got the call this time was me and the kids. That’s when you know you are a true LEO family. Dinner is already in the crockpot so it will be ready for him when he gets home. He may miss the kids tonight but there’s always FaceTime. My first thought was how awful for this family, especially Easter weekend.. How awful for the officer and first responders who have to go to this scene. Just get there, get to work and get home safe. 

As a LEO family, we choose to support our LEO at all times. The things they see and deal with, many people wouldn’t be able to handle for longer than a week, if that. For them to know “don’t worry, I have it taken care of on the home front” is what makes their work lives easier. Right no he doesn’t need to focus on me and the kids. He needs to focus on this life lose and their family. 

“"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5:4‬ ‭ESV‬‬

I feel comfort knowing my guy is out there to help comfort others. With God as our family foundation, he can help show a compassion to this situation not everyone can. And the more I can take care of everything at home, the more he gets to be that man of God in uniform. 

So yes, the late night suck, but remember why he has those late nights and how you can help the situation. Don’t worry, he will repay you for your support and strength at home in the future. 😉

Faith over fear

I really wish I had more time to get to write here. But I really am going to try to make more of an effort.
Life update: our little family has grown and we now have a beautiful daughter! We are currently raising 2 under 2. Never thought I would say that but so far so good! I have stepped back from teaching to raise these amazing children (something I want to talk about later) but still do my at home beauty business because I need it for me and it’s good family fun money, everyone should have a side at home business!

Faith over Fear
Those are words I have strived for my whole life. I may not have lived in a bible quoting Christian family but my parents did teach me this and remind me all the time. This chapter in my life could have fear written all over it. So much hate is going towards law enforcement, raising 2 children under the age of 2 and still keeping my sanity, lol, choosing to live on one income. These are all things that would/could make people fearful everyday.

“for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”
‭‭2 Timothy‬ ‭1:7‬ ‭ESV‬‬
Starting with the kids and the job. When I found out my little girl was on her way I was in a panic. I had my hands full with my son, how was I ever going to be able to handle 2! And with a job? I refuse to ask my parents or in laws to raise my kids. They raised us. Watching them occasionally, of course! They love it! But everyday? multiple times a week? No way. And there is also no way I would pay for child care. What’s the point of working if that’s all it is paying for? If we are going to have kids, we are going to raise them. If we can’t do that with both of us working, then it’s time for this momma to focus on the family. So not only am I freaking out about adding another, now I am going to leave my job, this program that I have built for 5 years, not knowing if I will ever be able to come back. Fear just overwhelmed me of being “stuck” at home. But God always knows what he is doing. And focusing on this verse and thinking of the positives all of this was going to bring. How powerful it will be to raise my kids myself. To have that impact on them. The love that is going to grow in this family by being able to strictly focus on my family. And teaching me self control when it comes to being a part of so many things outside my family. In today’s day, women are told they can do anything but because of this we do everything! I do believe that women can do anything but we don’t need to to it all. I was working (teaching & my business), I was volunteering, I was trying to be the perfect mom and wife and honestly pretty exhausted at everything. God brought my daughter into my life to refocus on what matters and help me find this self control.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”
‭‭John‬ ‭14:27‬ ‭ESV‬
It has been a harder time that ever to be a LEO wife (spouse). There are people out there that just want to hurt my husband because of what he chooses to do for a live for his family. The idea is scary to think of, especially with 2 little ones now. As we have another fallen officer, I can’t help but think “what if” at times. How in the world would we manage? But I know that is just the devil getting into my head. God gave my husband this drive, this passion to be a CHP Officer. As his wife, I fully support him and his career. I more than support, I am so proud to be a LEO wife. He does what people wouldn’t dare to do. And I have peace that God is with him every time he puts on that uniform , puts on that badge, drives those roads. I cannot be afraid or I will never make it through this life. So I pray, I read, I study and I know God’s peace within as we go through this journey.

What got me to think through all this is a new shirt I bought on Southern Charm Designs. I absolutely love her stuff! She focuses on first responders designs so I have a few different Thin Blue Line things but this past purchase has been my favorite.

Everyone needs to check out her stuff and fall in love too!

Hope this encourages you today!

The American Dream

So I want to get back to writing again. I have seen so many complain about the life of a LEO wife/family and I find it quite annoying. LOL Yes this life has many ups and downs. But the one thing I always go back to is I chose this life just as much as he did. I knew my husband wanted to be an officer of some kind when we were dating many years ago. So it wasn't a surprise when he got into the CHP. I knew what we were getting into. I knew it wasn't going to be all roses and rainbows. I knew he would miss holidays and family events. I knew that he could get called to court with days notice. I knew he wasn't going to be off work right on time after every shift. I'm not saying it's easy, AT ALL, but I'm saying I knew what to expect (somewhat) before he accepted the position and we said "I do".  If I was not willing to do this life, I would have walked away but I love my husband and was ready for the journey God had for us and our family. So I really hate to say it but "suck it up buttercup!" It's a journey that will have you laughing, crying, screaming, and loving every step of the way.

So I want to continue this blog to share our ups and downs and share that we are getting through it. And even better we are thriving through it. So it's been a year since I have written anything and life is really crazy beautiful! We now have an adorable 11 month old son, W, who has just changed our world for the better. But even more now, we are 17 weeks pregnant with our 2nd!!! It took so long for us to get pregnant with W I never imagined God would bless us with another one so quickly! We are so excited for our little Christmas miracle coming. So here we are, the Officer and the Teacher, almost 2 kids, a cat & dog, homeowners, almost debt free from college... seriously the American Dream. I hate to say that sometimes but then again we have worked hard to get where we are and are trusting and praising God every step of the way! This LEO family life has blessed us so much to be where we are. Again, not saying I am not pissed when he gets a late accident and I am doing dinner, playtime, bathtime and bed all on my own while pregnant. But when he does get off on time and walks through that door safely another day and W yells "dads" with a huge smile on his face, every bit of the downs are 100% worth it! So stay positive, stay humble, stay happy even when it's hard because it will get better and it will be worth it!

Edited:
I wrote this before church this morning yet I felt like my pastor was speaking exactly how I was feeling about this! So here are my notes from service because it goes so well and having God's word through this life is exactly what we need!

Hebrews 12:1-2 NKJV

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

1. Resilient people practice self control- 2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV- “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” Resilient people have a plan, and have a contingency plan... and so on. Get a grip, plan ahead and move on with their lives. Everything does not come easily! "I was not born with a silver spoon, but I had a spoon"- Pastor. You have to plug in to get it. The longer we push the limits, the stronger our faith becomes. 

Everything is happening at once!

I just love my church. I just love that God always has whoever is preaching to say exactly what I need to hear! And I almost didn't go today because I didn't get much sleep last night but God got me up and I know why. Today's verses:

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.”

1 Peter 5:6-11 NIV

http://bible.com/111/1pe.5.6-11.niv

So there is a lot going on in life right now. Let's start with my husband. WE'RE GOING BACK TO A WATCH!!! 😄 tonight is actually his last C watch shift (at least for 3 month, or if he take OT) but I don't care. We can have dinner together again. I get to sleep again! Oh how I miss sleep when he is not here. I know he has had a lot of fun on C watch and he will be "low man" on A watch but I just need good sleep again, everyday! Lol Another thing is that he finished FTO (field training officer) training so he can officially train the new boots coming in, I think mid Oct too. And if so he is more than likely to get a training this first round because they normally train on A watch first. There could be some real fun stories coming soon. He is still training for motor as well but he seems a bit discouraged. I know he was saying the other day how he has his whole career to do motor. I just don't want him to not do it because he is scared. He is a perfectionist and he doesn't feel like he gets to train enough to actually go back to Sacramento and do the 2 week training/testing. Hopefully he finds his peace and can figure it out. I think FTO will be fun for him for now.

Now my life. Not only are we back in school with almost my part time schedule completely filled, it's time to get ready for the holidays with my business. Oh and did I mention that I am a in charge of a fundraiser this month for the non-profit I volunteer for. Sounds manageable right? This is where that verse was exactly what I needed to hear. I am always so anxious with so much going on. Learning to cast all that on Him and stand firm in my faith is so hard but so easy at the same time. 

Oh and did I forget to mention we are about a year and half into not being on birth control so that's getting a bit nerve racking. A little tired of peeing on a stick and seeing nothing. Oh yeah, and we are buying a house! Seriously? I spoke this one into existence. Like 6 months ago I was like "I swear if I am moving, pregnant, getting ready for holidays all during the month on October I am going to go nuts!" Be careful what you asks for right? 

And then I went to church today and heard this lovely message. 😊 Honestly, when I look at all that is going on in my life these are not sufferings, THESE ARE SO MANY BLESSINGS!!! So many people would kill to have a teaching job they love at a school they love, a business they love with customers that love them, being able to have the time to volunteer for a non-profit and help make a difference in the community, START A FAMILY, BUY A HOUSE! And all at the ripe age of 28. I mean when God makes it rain! But it's the devil that is trying to make me feel stressed, weak, anxious.... BUT I REFUSE! My students are awesome! My business is booming and I love every minute of it! This fundraiser is going to be better than the last one and done with complete freedom and ease! Our family will start just at the right time God has planned! The right house will be available to us at the right price and it will be perfect! I seriously am so humbled by all the blessing God keeps pouring down on us. I just want to be a example to others to show His amazing Glory and all that came come when you accept Christ and live the life he has planned for you! 

So breathe, pray, read His word and know that everything is going to be okay! 

Crazy shift

So I wrote this on 9/14/15 and never actually posted it! So here ya go :)

So last Thursday's shift was my first experience of freak out. LOL One thing I learned way before becoming an officer's wife is that the news is pretty much all negative so I don't watch. But I do follow the local stations because I do like to know what is going on in the area. So last Thursday I was relaxing getting ready to netflix the night away since my husband was working but before I did that was checking Facebook one last time. The headline I saw was "Pursuit in Whittier". Well I know that Whittier is one of their areas so first thing I do is search for him on "Find my friend". (best app ever btw for a LEO wife lol) He happened to be in Whittier too. So I am freaking out and trying to turn the TV on to see what is going on. Good thing is when I finally found it on TV it had ended in Downey so I at least had a bit of relief when I knew he wasn't in the area. So I just text him, told him I loved him and to be careful out there. I got to go to bed, calmly which was nice.

The next morning our dog woke me up (normally does when he his my husband come home) so I was waiting to hear the door open but after a few minutes and not hearing anything I decided to check my phone to see what time it was it and it was almost 7am. He gets off at 5:30 so he is normally home no later than 6:30 unless something happens end of shift. I wasn't too worried but I did have a text from my mom "Call me when you wake up". That's it. No good morning, no how are you doing.. just call me. So something was wrong but I wasn't awake enough to deal with it. So I got on good old FB and, again, headline "CHP officer shot at traffic stop". Well that woke me up! I was up in my bed so fast. I searched for my husband on the app again. Felt like the longest 30 seconds of my life. Saw he was at his office so knew he was okay but pretty shaken by it of course. Kept reading the article I found to make sure the officer was okay. But as I read it all I could keep thinking was if that guy would have just taken the 60 instead of the 10 that would have been my officer. Wow! Just wow! 

Here is an official welcome to the law enforcement family...