The American Dream

So I want to get back to writing again. I have seen so many complain about the life of a LEO wife/family and I find it quite annoying. LOL Yes this life has many ups and downs. But the one thing I always go back to is I chose this life just as much as he did. I knew my husband wanted to be an officer of some kind when we were dating many years ago. So it wasn't a surprise when he got into the CHP. I knew what we were getting into. I knew it wasn't going to be all roses and rainbows. I knew he would miss holidays and family events. I knew that he could get called to court with days notice. I knew he wasn't going to be off work right on time after every shift. I'm not saying it's easy, AT ALL, but I'm saying I knew what to expect (somewhat) before he accepted the position and we said "I do".  If I was not willing to do this life, I would have walked away but I love my husband and was ready for the journey God had for us and our family. So I really hate to say it but "suck it up buttercup!" It's a journey that will have you laughing, crying, screaming, and loving every step of the way.

So I want to continue this blog to share our ups and downs and share that we are getting through it. And even better we are thriving through it. So it's been a year since I have written anything and life is really crazy beautiful! We now have an adorable 11 month old son, W, who has just changed our world for the better. But even more now, we are 17 weeks pregnant with our 2nd!!! It took so long for us to get pregnant with W I never imagined God would bless us with another one so quickly! We are so excited for our little Christmas miracle coming. So here we are, the Officer and the Teacher, almost 2 kids, a cat & dog, homeowners, almost debt free from college... seriously the American Dream. I hate to say that sometimes but then again we have worked hard to get where we are and are trusting and praising God every step of the way! This LEO family life has blessed us so much to be where we are. Again, not saying I am not pissed when he gets a late accident and I am doing dinner, playtime, bathtime and bed all on my own while pregnant. But when he does get off on time and walks through that door safely another day and W yells "dads" with a huge smile on his face, every bit of the downs are 100% worth it! So stay positive, stay humble, stay happy even when it's hard because it will get better and it will be worth it!

Edited:
I wrote this before church this morning yet I felt like my pastor was speaking exactly how I was feeling about this! So here are my notes from service because it goes so well and having God's word through this life is exactly what we need!

Hebrews 12:1-2 NKJV

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

1. Resilient people practice self control- 2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV- “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” Resilient people have a plan, and have a contingency plan... and so on. Get a grip, plan ahead and move on with their lives. Everything does not come easily! "I was not born with a silver spoon, but I had a spoon"- Pastor. You have to plug in to get it. The longer we push the limits, the stronger our faith becomes. 

So much can happen in such a short time

I can't believe I haven't posted anything since May!

I want to start talking about what's going on in this country first. Since my last post we have lost, I believe more than 10 officers in the country due to people shooting them! Are you kidding me?!?! For the most part I don't worry about my husband. This is the life he wanted. He is very good at it and has always had pretty good interactions with people. Plus he is a strong man of God so I know his protection is all over him and when it is his time there is nothing I can do about it anyway. But I am not going to lie, the morning of the Dallas PD shooting, I was crying pretty good. My DH had just been back on the road for about 2 shifts since he was okayed by the doctors after his motorcycle accident. But as I cried, I prayed and just asked God to cover him like he always does and to bring him home to us ever shift bc he needs to meet his little boy soon. And it was pretty amazing to have people check in on me. I got calls and text to make sure I was okay and to pray over my DH. The funny thing is, at least I thought so, with all of this being a "race thing" everyone who checked on me was black. It just goes to show you that this really isn't a race thing. It's a media thing, it's an education thing, it's a culture thing. I really want people to think about this. How many of you know someone who was shot by a police officer? Now how many of you know someone who was shot by another person? Better yet, how many of you know someone who got in a fight us in another weapon or just their hands? If people actually asked themselves these questions, we would see we don't have a police brutality problem, we do not have a gun problem, we do not have a race vs race problem... We have a media problem making it look this way, we have a culture problem that this younger generation doesn't fee they need to work to get what they want just take it, we have a culture problem where it's okay to "spread your legs" and when a child comes from it not take responsibility in raising them! 

Okay I think my rant is over, now for the fun stuff! ONLY 2 MORE WEEKS TILL MY DUE DATE!!! I just can't wait to meet our little boy. It's crazy how he can already have so much personality in th womb. I don't think he is going to be a baby to be swaddled bc he is already trying to stretch out all the time! And how he knows our voices! My DH sings on the church praise team when he gets Sunday's off and last week he had a beautiful solo. Right away when he started singing, our little guy started moving all around. It was such an exciting thing to see/feel. We did decided on doing a "Chp-ish" theme for his nursery, focusing more on the blue and gold colors. Then my mother in law found a CHP designed fabric and now he actually has a pillow and quilt with it on it! We recently realized that his due date is the CHP anniversary so it really fits perfectly. Poor kid is going to be born to be a Chippy. But we are proud to be a part of this CHP family and even more so the whole Blue Line family too! 

When life give you lemons

I have to say I live a pretty basic, normally, busy life. Not only being a CHP wife, a mom to be, part time high school teacher, Mary Kay beauty consultant, board member a chapter of Soroptimist International. I have a pretty good routine I am in too, especially with my husband still on desk duty (i'll explain later) but overall I think I handle it pretty well. Except for last week... last week, by Sunday I believe I was allowed to give up just for a little bit. I don't want to bore you guys with every last detail of it but to hit some major points

• Monday- left work computer at home so everything else that day just decided it didn't want to work. Seriously, every class had something wrong. 
• Tuesday- horrible indigestion and exhaustion... looks like 3rd trimester is welcoming me with all kinds of symptoms.
• Wednesday- We had an attempted suicide by a student, craziest thing I have ever been a part of
• Thursday- Glucose tolerance testing, no profit Mary Kay event.. just a long day
• Friday- meetings at work, trying to get a hold of someone to explain my glucose testing for like 2 hours
• Saturday- fun but not so profitable Mary Kay event, then my alternator in my car decided to die
• Sunday- my last living grandparent, my Dad's dad, passed away

So I am very happy it is Monday... new month... new week!

Back to my husbands hand now. We went back to the doctors about 2 weeks ago and they took off the cast! (Don't get excited yet) Did more x-rays only to find out it is still not healed. Back on a new cast goes. For another 4 weeks! We were told that the bone that is broken doesn't get great blood circulation which causes healing to be slower. :( But whatever needs to be done to get this healed properly. Again, his office has been so understanding, keeping him busy working with accident investigations which he is really enjoying. As much as it sucks that we ere hoping to rock some OT right now and have a nice chunk of change but aside for baby expenses, but that must not be God's plan. We are always able to save just on our paychecks anyway so maybe God is trying to get us to realize that we are just fine where we are. :)

So today I choose to be positive, like I did last week at least up until Sunday, and remember how blessed we are right now and take each day as it comes! :)

Too much time to think...

The thing I hate most about grave shift is there is so much alone time. And some people would this. Me? I HATE IT! I am a person who is way too much in my own head so when I am alone I over analyze everything. With the husband going back to work tonight after about a week off I have a lot of emotion to go through from this past week. It all came flooding to the surface when I saw one of the most beautiful pictures of a friend and her family.

I want that. That look on her husband's face and he is holding their child. I just cried. Really crying still. It was perfect. And it just felt like this is never going to be a reality for me. And I know that is not true. I have no idea what God's plan is for us. It just feels so far away right now. So I was searching online just for some words of wisdom and found this site 

http://www.hipsterhomemaker.com/things-you-never-say-to-a-person-struggling-with-infertility/

We don't really struggle with infertility, just the ability to make this work at the right now right now lol. But I still want to share these past few weeks and connect her "things to say" with some "rules" of my own. 

About 2 weeks ago, while preparing things for a baby shower for another CHP wife, my mom told me I had to call my sister. Obviously talking about baby stuff and she randomly tells me this, she's saying she pregnant. So I got to hear the news from her which was awesome but awful too because she was afraid to tell me because she knows we are "trying" too. I mean my sister has been "trying" for 6 years so of course I would be happy. Rule #1: don't be afraid to share your joy with me! Yes I may find it hard (depending on who you are lol) but it is still an amazing thing and would love to share in that joy! But if I don't want to talk about it, that's okay too.

But along with that I'll give Rule #2: don't feel bad for us, especially don't show it. At the baby shower, we had a nice intimate group. The conversation some how came up to how long the women with children took to conceive. And they started discussing how hard it would be for it to be longer than I think the 4 months one of them took. Here we are almost a year and do I say something about it? Obviously people didn't know we have been "trying" so do I speak up or just keep my silence. I find that silence doesn't help anyone so I chose to speak up. This is hard. Every month when AF shows up and all I want to do is cry and wonder what is wrong with me. But we need love, prayer, support not pity. 

This is I guess a good time for Rule #3:I need someone to ask me how I am doing sometimes and be willing to see the tears. Last week I was having all kind of "symptoms" but I try not to get too excited because my PMS symptoms are like every pregnancy symptom in the book. But in the same day my sister found out she was/will be miscarrying and AF was suppose to show and she wasn't there yet. So many emotion and no one to talk to. And when AF did finally show the next day, no comments were made. No conversation about how crappy it was or maybe next time. Nothing. I feel so alone at times. I want to scream inside and I suck it up and stay strong and act like its nothing. I guess that's where this blog comes in right? 

But Rule #4:I love "baby time"! It reminds me of the joys that will come if we do not lose faith. Yes I want to hold, feed, play, sing, walk, and even change your baby lol. You need a break and I need love so let's make it work. I guess I can't say his for everyone but for me it is so therapeutic. But also know I will not bother you. You have kids, I don't so I find it awkward to be like "hey let's hang out, get coffee." 

I think that is all the "rules" I have for now lol. So to connect this with our CHP life... What is with CHP families and their millions of kids! I feel like everyone is a stay at home mom with like 3-4 kids. It just makes introductions awkward. Everyone doing their intros and talking about all their kids and here I am... I work. I mean I really love my CHP wives. There is nothing like being a part of this family. This family will go above and beyond for one another in a crisis. But not having a child makes a big disconnect in it sometimes too. You can tell people don't know how to talk to me because I just work. Asking about kids and getting all involved in those conversation are easy but work can only go so far. Especially when I mention my business. God forbid sometime people think I am just there to sell them something, like anywhere of course. But when you don't have kids you can only talk about their kids for so long.

But I know things will change. This is all still so new. Kids will come in due time. I just need to talk it through all the time and keep remind myself. But hopefully someone is reading this and is finally feeling like they are not alone! This is okay to talk about. We need to talk. We need to share our stories more and more so people know it is normal and okay and they will make it through. 

Hopefully I don't need to talk about this anymore... Only one more month on graves (hopefully), motor training up north and buying our first home by the end of the year! Here is to the next 3 months of life changing events!!! :)

What's next for me?

Okay so the first year is over and he is on to the next thing but what about me? Well, being 27, having a pretty successful business, a successful teacher career as well and a very happy and fulfilling marriage with an amazingly Godly man who just loves his career too. Everyone seems to think there is just one thing left to do... have babies!

I think I have been pulled into this trap of feeling so underachieving since we haven't yet. People keep asking about it... I even had 2 people at church touch my belly and start asking questions. Do I look pregnant? How is this okay??? This is seriously something I have no control over and there is so much expectation for it. Believe me if I could just snap my fingers and do it I would but God has his own plan. I don't know how to tell people to leave it alone until we say that it is time. All it seems to do is create this worry, anxiousness and inadequacy in me which is not good at all.

Yesterday I pretty much had an emotional breakdown about it all. I just started crying out of nowhere and couldn't stop it either. Completely freaking out my husband of course. We had such a great dinner and we get home and ready for bed when I just roll over and cry. I was just filled with so much emotion over "why is this not happening?" and "can I even handle it when the time come?" and so much more kept going through my head. After of 30 minutes of fighting my husband not wanting to talk about it, he just started praying over me. Seriously, there is nothing better in the world than having such an amazing man of God as my partner in life. And of course he said exactly what I needed to hear and that is when everything came out like a flood!

"Why is this taking so long?"
"What if something is wrong?"
"People have 'accidents' all the time, why is it when some try it takes forever?"
"Why can other people just get it right the first time?"
"What if I can't handle it?"
"Are we really ready?"
"Why do I want this so bad?"
"Why do I feel like God is playing with my emotions?"
"What else can we do?"
"Is there something I am missing?"

Being at peace with something you have no control over is probably the hardest things ever. But like I have said before I believe I am a strong woman of God. Most of the time I am at peace with all that is going on in life and can just go with the flow. But we are all human and my human side loves to remind me how crazy life can be and throw me into some awful emotional states. But one of my favorite verses that always plays in my head during those times is
Philippians 4:13 "I Can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"

So today I decided to open up and read what leads up to this verse and God was really trying to show me peace...
10 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me.Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Wow! Being content is really where is all begins. If I am content with my family and my life the way it is, God will continue to bless me and my family. He hasn't failed me, what makes me worry like he would now?

So basically I hope someone learns something from all of this, other than just me of course, (Which this is amazing therapeutic! If you have never blogged yourself, you should try it. You can talk yourself through a lot and maybe help others too)
-If you know if a couple who is "trying" leave them alone about it. Stop asking. Stop bringing it up. When it happens, they will be more than happy to share the big news. I
-If you are going through it yourself, remember God has amazing plans for you and it is REALLY hard sometimes to just relax and enjoy the journey He has when you want something so exciting. Be happy, content and at peace about as much as you can.
-Its okay to be human and breakdown, just remember to fallback on the one who love you and can lead you back to your true peace in God. :)