Living for the present instead of the possible

Did anyone else think that January was THE LONGEST MONTH EVER!!!

So in my life, I have 4 birthday in January (kind of 5 if you count my daughter which is Dec 30th so close enough). The holidays don't end on Christmas, they really begin and keep going till February.
And this year even more got added to the January plate... my husbands family was all going to be together, for a week, for the first time since our wedding 6 years ago! Oh yeah, and I decided I wanted to do a Spartan race for the first time with my husband. 🤦🤦

Now for a planner like me, this was a nightmare!!! We had all these "events" but nothing really "planned". I had to let go of so much to just go with the flow of birthdays, family time, meals, children's naps, etc. And guess what? I survived. We all survived. We even had a great month. I wasn't in control of every minute and we all did just fine. Yes, there were some crazy times and my children didn't nap or go to bed like they normally do but we all made it through with some great memories.

• We took my niece to Disneyland for the first time with my kids and everyone had a blast!
• We went to Knotts Berry Farm with my husbands whole family for a day. Our kids got to do something new, bond with their cousins they hardly get to see and we even got to go on a few things too to enjoy time with them as well. 
• We froze our butts off at the beach but I learned how much my children really want to go to the beach more (I hate the beach lol but maybe I need to get over it)
• I did my first Spartan race and I kicked butt! lol I climbed walls and cargo nets, flipped tires and did quiet a few burpees to earn that medal but I did it, with my amazing husband! Honestly, I am kind of addicted now.
• Husband and I went to taping of our favorite show and had so much fun! Even already seen ourselves on TV lol
• I would like to add I read/listened to 2 books! lol I have added reading/listening to audiobooks to my "things to do in 2020" and I am actually doing it! (One, which has lead me to this entry today)

These are things people do in a year, or even years and we did it all in the month on January!!! I was stressed out, wigged out, crazy for most of the month and what for??? If I am always looking 2 steps ahead how can I enjoy what is right in front of me???

The plan for my life was never the SAHM, married to an officer, ideas of homeschooling one day but here we are and yet I am always still looking 2 steps ahead instead of just enjoying the now.

As month 1 of 2020 is over, I am looking forward to month 2 and focusing on the here and now of spending time with my family and hopefully soon friends too! Because life is too short, and quick for us to only focus on whats next and not enjoy time with one another and show God's love and grace to one another. 

Proverbs 3:1-6 CSB

1My son, don’t forget my teaching,

but let your heart keep my commands;

2for they will bring you

many days, a full life, and well-being.

3Never let loyalty and faithfulness leave you.

Tie them around your neck;

write them on the tablet of your heart.

4Then you will find favor and high regard

with God and people.

5Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and do not rely on your own understanding;

6in all your ways know him,

and he will make your paths straight.

Below are a few resources I love and the books I have read so far. Check them out
Books
Right Side of History
Everything Happens for a Reason

Resources
Libby- app for library ebooks/audiobooks FREE
Hoopla- another app for library ebooks/audiobooks FREE
Emory Lane- bc I love supporting small businesses and I live in these shirts lol

2020 Vision

Since it is the theme of EVERYTHING, might as well use it too. But to have a clear vision, we must first look back.
2019- If you ask me, this year was probably one of the biggest growth years our family has had. The stress it was to get through our first year with 2 kids was so much on me personally and our marriage in 2018 that 2019 meant we got to reconnect and rebalance our family. The decision to change churches was also a huge step that created so much joy and peace throughout the year as well. And I got to focus and figure out myself and reconnect my personal faith again. God showed us to much grace and love this last year and I am hoping it with just grow from here.

So what does 2020 look like for this CHP family?
I’m hoping it looks like my husband getting to venture into new avenues in the department and new trainings because this is a great time for him to do so. If your husband has opportunities to add to his resume, make sure you can support him in those as much as possible! For a family in so cal, him doing trainings up north isn’t always ideal but they can be great connections made, ideas learned and even fun family adventures if you have the means to do that with him.

For our family?
I am hoping to get more organized with the idea of homeschooling these littles one day. By starting now with toddler activities and preschool lessons to get my head wrapped around what it would look like.
Maybe a move? Maybe a remodel? Maybe an addition? (In more ways than one) Only God knows those answers but we are opening our hearts and minds for what He does have planned for us this year and going to take it day by day, step by step knowing He has the best plans laid out for us if we just continue to walk with Him. Trusting he has made us just for this journey.

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:33‬ ‭CSB‬‬

So here is to 2020! May it be a blessed one for you and yours!

Surround yourself with Gratefulness

As we head into the holidays, it always is a hard time for some and a joyous time for others. I like to remind myself (and others, if I can) that whatever we surround ourselves with is what we will be. The people we are around, the topics we discuss, the music we listen to, the tv we watch, the books we read. Raising little humans with a LEO can put me in a very negative spot by the end of the day. Like my husband being “on call” because California is up in flames and they may need him somewhere. Or getting court on a day off that you have had something special planned for like a month. My child(ren) can go all day misbehaving, not listening to a single thing I have to say. My husband can have a rough day of feeling inadequate and unappreciated. I am just suppose to hold it all together for them.  But you know what, most days I can because I prepare myself to do just that.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 ¹⁶Rejoice always, ¹⁷pray continually, ¹⁸give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

I find myself in my Bible more and more. Reading/listening to more books/podcast about the Bible and living a Christian life. The music that is on is either Christian or Country (really what's the difference lol). The news is the last thing I watch. I have to have my head and my heart in the right place to be the Christ-driven mom and the wife I need to be for my family

Now by all means I am far, far, FAR from perfect! But I have so much to be grateful for that I want to make sure I am living a life worthy of what I have been given. And with life's daily struggles we can get caught up in, it can be very hard to get ourselves out and remember just how truly blessed we are.

So here is what I am going to do. I am starting a gratitude journal so that every night I can remember just how much God is blessing over this family for the next 30 days and hopefully from there on out. So I want to challenge you to do the same! Now I am a very visual person so I search online and found a great 30 prompting I can follow the next month. I found this one at Picking Daisies Blog

Hopefully by Dec 1st I can share the difference it has made for me and my family these next 30 days.

Choosing Joy

Lets just put it all out there... the life of an officer's wife can been stressful enough. Now let's add 2 under 2 (graduate) to the mix and take away an income. I have every right to be stressed out, wigged out crazy most days. 

But I have even more of an obligation to choose to be joyful instead! Just so you know my favorite band is For King and Country and their song “Joy” is totally the inspiration I get for this.

You see, I am a planner. I love my calendar app. I like having a daily schedule. I like to be organized. Everything has a place. But as an officer's wife plans can change in an instant (or just being married to my husband can do that too, sorry babe lol) God knows that kids don't believe in schedules and to top it off they are a GIANT mess, especially 2 toddlers. 

I was noticing that I was being really harsh with my husband and my kids when I really didn't need to be. I was closing myself off from them too so I could "take a break" (check fb/play a phone game/stupid stuff) so I could be ready to handle them. 

I like to laugh with God when I think about where I am in life right now. Good one buddy! You got me! Thanks for all the teachings hahaha now can I have my life back now...

That's not how it works, so I am (finally) choosing to really (and I mean really) just give it all up to God and go with the flow of the day (day by day) and choose to be happy with every situation that is thrown my way throughout the day. Some days are WAY harder than I think it should be while other days so me just how blessed to be in love with my best friend and have these 2 beautiful babies to teach and help grow to be amazing people. Most people don't live this but I do and I need to be grateful and show that daily. This doesn't mean I can't get upset, but I am not letting that upset ruin a whole day. 

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12 ESV

I could go on and explain how my children really decided to test me last week and see if I could handle being joyful all day (insert my youngest screaming bloody murder as we walk into the happiest place on earth, all the way up till we get to the castle. Its Disneyland for heaven's sake! There's no crying at Disneyland!)

Below are a few verses I keep on my phone to read and pray on when I notice I am getting in a mood. Remember, this is a beautiful life we have been given! We get to choose how we feel about our situations and from now on I am choosing joy!

“In every situation take up the shield of faith with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.”
Ephesians 6:16 CSB

“Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in everything; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 CSB

“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”
Romans 12:12 ESV

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
James 1:2-4 ESV

“do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:6-7 ESV

When life give you lemons

I have to say I live a pretty basic, normally, busy life. Not only being a CHP wife, a mom to be, part time high school teacher, Mary Kay beauty consultant, board member a chapter of Soroptimist International. I have a pretty good routine I am in too, especially with my husband still on desk duty (i'll explain later) but overall I think I handle it pretty well. Except for last week... last week, by Sunday I believe I was allowed to give up just for a little bit. I don't want to bore you guys with every last detail of it but to hit some major points

• Monday- left work computer at home so everything else that day just decided it didn't want to work. Seriously, every class had something wrong. 
• Tuesday- horrible indigestion and exhaustion... looks like 3rd trimester is welcoming me with all kinds of symptoms.
• Wednesday- We had an attempted suicide by a student, craziest thing I have ever been a part of
• Thursday- Glucose tolerance testing, no profit Mary Kay event.. just a long day
• Friday- meetings at work, trying to get a hold of someone to explain my glucose testing for like 2 hours
• Saturday- fun but not so profitable Mary Kay event, then my alternator in my car decided to die
• Sunday- my last living grandparent, my Dad's dad, passed away

So I am very happy it is Monday... new month... new week!

Back to my husbands hand now. We went back to the doctors about 2 weeks ago and they took off the cast! (Don't get excited yet) Did more x-rays only to find out it is still not healed. Back on a new cast goes. For another 4 weeks! We were told that the bone that is broken doesn't get great blood circulation which causes healing to be slower. :( But whatever needs to be done to get this healed properly. Again, his office has been so understanding, keeping him busy working with accident investigations which he is really enjoying. As much as it sucks that we ere hoping to rock some OT right now and have a nice chunk of change but aside for baby expenses, but that must not be God's plan. We are always able to save just on our paychecks anyway so maybe God is trying to get us to realize that we are just fine where we are. :)

So today I choose to be positive, like I did last week at least up until Sunday, and remember how blessed we are right now and take each day as it comes! :)

Deaths, Births.... it's all a part of life...

These past 2 weeks has been challenging ones. In the matter of about 36 hours I had a friend of mine pas away suddenly and another friend bring her life into the world with her son. Talk about a roller coaster ride of emotions. 

This friend of mine was one of the sweetest guys I have ever had the privilege of getting to know. The hardest part for me was the last time  had a chance to really get to talk to him. We had meet about 5 years ago and hung out a lot over that first year or two. But like many friendship, life happens, we get busy and we don't make the same time for people. Every now and then we were comment on FB just to stay connected. The shock of his lost hit me like I had never felt before. But at the same time I had this very strange sense of peace


John 14:1-4 “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.”



I know he had an amazing heart. I know that God had his own plans for us and honestly maybe he used this loss for many of us to open our eyes and remember what is important and to reconnect those of us who had become too busy. Either way he is a guy who will always be remembered and I know he is just smiling down on us for making sure we celebrated his life the way he wanted us to. 

The day after I found out about his death was probably the hardest because I had to just go on like nothing ever happened and my heart just wasn't ready yet. But when I was feeling my saddest, I got to see the best picture, my friend had just given birth to her amazing handsome new son. From a heart filled with sorrow to a heart so overfilled with love and excitement for this new chapter in their lives and to be so blessed to be sharing in their excitement.  

Romans 8:26-28 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[i] have been called according to his purpose. 

These verses seemed to fit this whole ride all into a few verses. Weakness was the best way to put how I felt. Or maybe helpless. And I had no idea what to say to God. I was praying but I felt like all I could do was ask question after question waiting for answers. Here is that answer, Its all God's will. For me, maybe I needed to feel that loss to remember how amazing and blessed we are, especially when new life is brought. Holding that 6 day old little boy was one of the most amazing feelings! This little God given miracle, who knows what is in store for him, Knowing that God has a plan and we are to enjoy each and every day we are given because we have no idea when it is our time to be called back home. 

"Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth." 

I have no idea where this saying started or if that is even the right way to put it but they kept saying it at his celebration of life. This friend lived and loved like every day was his last. Maybe he knew something all of us didn't. Maybe I am over thinking all of it. But most of all I hope me being able to talk out all of these feelings helps someone else in the process of life and loss. We have an amazing God and we may not always understand all that is going on but He will always take us where we need to go. 

5 

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight

What's next for me?

Okay so the first year is over and he is on to the next thing but what about me? Well, being 27, having a pretty successful business, a successful teacher career as well and a very happy and fulfilling marriage with an amazingly Godly man who just loves his career too. Everyone seems to think there is just one thing left to do... have babies!

I think I have been pulled into this trap of feeling so underachieving since we haven't yet. People keep asking about it... I even had 2 people at church touch my belly and start asking questions. Do I look pregnant? How is this okay??? This is seriously something I have no control over and there is so much expectation for it. Believe me if I could just snap my fingers and do it I would but God has his own plan. I don't know how to tell people to leave it alone until we say that it is time. All it seems to do is create this worry, anxiousness and inadequacy in me which is not good at all.

Yesterday I pretty much had an emotional breakdown about it all. I just started crying out of nowhere and couldn't stop it either. Completely freaking out my husband of course. We had such a great dinner and we get home and ready for bed when I just roll over and cry. I was just filled with so much emotion over "why is this not happening?" and "can I even handle it when the time come?" and so much more kept going through my head. After of 30 minutes of fighting my husband not wanting to talk about it, he just started praying over me. Seriously, there is nothing better in the world than having such an amazing man of God as my partner in life. And of course he said exactly what I needed to hear and that is when everything came out like a flood!

"Why is this taking so long?"
"What if something is wrong?"
"People have 'accidents' all the time, why is it when some try it takes forever?"
"Why can other people just get it right the first time?"
"What if I can't handle it?"
"Are we really ready?"
"Why do I want this so bad?"
"Why do I feel like God is playing with my emotions?"
"What else can we do?"
"Is there something I am missing?"

Being at peace with something you have no control over is probably the hardest things ever. But like I have said before I believe I am a strong woman of God. Most of the time I am at peace with all that is going on in life and can just go with the flow. But we are all human and my human side loves to remind me how crazy life can be and throw me into some awful emotional states. But one of my favorite verses that always plays in my head during those times is
Philippians 4:13 "I Can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"

So today I decided to open up and read what leads up to this verse and God was really trying to show me peace...
10 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me.Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Wow! Being content is really where is all begins. If I am content with my family and my life the way it is, God will continue to bless me and my family. He hasn't failed me, what makes me worry like he would now?

So basically I hope someone learns something from all of this, other than just me of course, (Which this is amazing therapeutic! If you have never blogged yourself, you should try it. You can talk yourself through a lot and maybe help others too)
-If you know if a couple who is "trying" leave them alone about it. Stop asking. Stop bringing it up. When it happens, they will be more than happy to share the big news. I
-If you are going through it yourself, remember God has amazing plans for you and it is REALLY hard sometimes to just relax and enjoy the journey He has when you want something so exciting. Be happy, content and at peace about as much as you can.
-Its okay to be human and breakdown, just remember to fallback on the one who love you and can lead you back to your true peace in God. :)

Week 1 done! On to week 2!

If you want to see some photos of John follow CHP recruiting on FB and they have a photo album of his class CTC II-13. See if you can find him in the pictures. :)

So Friday was the end of week 1! They did lose someone. Someone quit they think because of an injury prior to coming that was hurting too much for PT. But we will see how many they really lose when everyone comes back tonight. It's harder to quit and leave than it is to just not go back. But anyway, John said it took like 2 hours to leave the academy grounds on Friday night. They were testing the cadets leaving, asking about certain codes. If they didn't know the answer they would send them to the back of the line. But by the time John got close they decided it was taking too long and just let them go. So he stayed the weekend at my aunt and uncles house, who were out of town so he got some quiet time althought I think he would have liked to have some social interaction with people. He spent most of Saturday shopping for all the stuff he needed for the next week and making his stenciled and shirts for PT. Sunday was pretty much the same too. We got to FaceTime!

It was good to see him. I felt bad though because he said he called his bunk mates and they were hangout with their girlfriends and all he got to do was FaceTime hangout with me. I really wish I could have been there to help him get all the things he needed and help him make his shirts so he didn't struggle so much but I know all of this will make him stronger. But it was a lot of work he had to get done and didn't have anyone to work with him like most of the other cadets did. He is also someone who over analyzes and over thinks things so he messed up on like 4 shirts (letters weren't big enough, worth what he wasn't suppose to, ect.), and his homework assignment (last time I checked) he had to redo 4 times. (Wasn't straight, missed spelled words, etc.) So here goes to week 2!!! PRAY, PRAY PRAY!!! Pray he just focuses, listens and gets things done with ease!

As for me, I enjoyed my cousins wedding on Friday, which was so much fun! Loved it! Athough before i left for San Diego, my car freaked out after my Mary Kay deliveries. At least I have an awesome future father in law that has a tire shop and could get DeDe all up and going again! Got all my teachings things ready for next week on Saturday, while FaceTiming John all day and then on Sunday I got to see a vision I had when I first starting learning ASL come to life with our first Deaf Awareness Day. Here's to another great week of teaching and a thriving Mary Kay business week!

Day 4... My breakdown

So it's official, I had my breakdown. So I thought that keeping busy was a good thing. Monday when I got home from Sacramento I went straight to my Mary Kay meeting, back to work! All day Tuesday I had training for my new ASL teaching job, 3 ASL tutoring session and a MK delivery. Gone from 9a till about 7p. Wednesday went to the gym, made a MK delivery, finished training and started teaching my 3 students, soroptimist meeting then home. Gone from 10a till 8:30p. Today I went to Zumba, came home did Mk work (booking, selling, coaching, ya know) networking lunch in Santa Fe springs, grand opening chamber event in Bellflower, then went to a LA MK meeting with a new consultant. Worked from 8:30-10:30p. And the breakdown happens when I was trying to leave the LA MK meeting. During the meeting I realized I had missed Johns call tonight but I knew it would be okay and I was doing what I needed to do. But at the meeting they forgot to tell the new people how to get our parking validated and how to leave the parking structure. So first I can't find my way out. I'm tired. I'm confused and I just want to get home. Finally find my way out but it won't let me because its not validated. While trying to figure out what in the world I needed to do John called me again. So I'm trying to not be frazzled because he doesn't need to hear that. But I can't help it, I just started crying. The guy I asked for help from first was rude and wasn't willing to even try to help me out. Then the next woman was rude and all of this is going on with John on speaker phone. I finally decided to just go back up to the meeting room but first I have to go back down to park and one guy who worked their and saw me leave stopped me and asked what I was doing, nicely. Now I lose John on the phone  and just start crying again. But this guy was amazing he ran through the parking structure so he could guide me out. Absolutely above and beyond what he needed to do but he could see I was going through something. When I finally got out all I was thinking was how much I wish I could just run home to John, cuddle and cry because I knew he could take care of everything. He's my rock! But right now he can't be, that's not an option. I must be the rock. Tonight, I truly missed him. If this is just week 1, I cannot even imagine how I am going to handle another 10 weeks before the wedding and then 15 weeks after that. God must think I'm one strong woman... I could really use some Ben & Jerry's right now.

Anyway, let talk about John. He had his first PT today. He didn't say much about it so he must have been able to handle it. He says he is going to get yelled at tomorrow because he messed up his shirt he had to make tonight. I didn't understand why he just didn't make a new one. You can tell he is feeling a bit overwhelmed. He is a perfectionist, an over analyzer. So he said he is getting tripped up on the little things. He said he wanted to go take a driving school thing one weekend, I told him it could have been a good idea before he left but for now just knew that they are going to teach him all he needs to know. But you can tell the retreads are scaring him a bit, not on purpose, but because most of them fell out during driving. But most make it through! I honestly and truly believe that God has prepared him for this a long time ago. This dream was put on his heart for a reason. I don't know how else to change his head that he is going to fail out of this. They had to pick their insurance today and he said he opted out to just stay on his parents till we get married. That way if he doesn't make to through... Seriously! If he keeps having this mindset he won't make it just because he think he wont. But I can only tell him so many times that he has this, he will make it and he just needs to focus one day at a time.  So I keep trying to and keep reminding him that I love him.

So we need prayer and lots of it right now. This is much harder than I thought it was going to be. But I know we can do it!

And if you can/want to send John letters of encouragement please do! Just no packages, nothing that stands out. We don't want attention drawn to him but encouraging letters would be great! Feel free to send them to

Cadet Kimble

CTC III-12

California Highway Patrol Academy

3500 Reed Ave.

West Sacramento, CA 95605

Day 2! He's alive!

He called! Only got to talk for about 3 minutes. He sounded exhausted. He said "I love you" like 5 times. I asked him how he was doing and he said "if I said good I would be lying". Awww! I wish there was something more I can do. He said that he thinks the officers are mad at them so tomorrow will not be good. :/  But the one thing he did say was to pray for him. So EVERYONE PRAY FOR HIM!!! This is the hardest thing he will ever have to do but it's for his dream! 

So while I keep praying, I am just trying to keep as busy as possible. Today was a full day for training for my ASL teaching job, then my 3 ASL tutoring sessions, a MK delivery and then home. Then even at home I wanted a distraction so I went next door to play kinect to get moving. Tomorrow will be Zumba on the morning, MK delivery, teaching 3 ASL students and soroptimist. I want to do as much as I can while he is gone so that when he comes back in March I get to spend as much time with him as I want! 

So please keep the prayer coming! One day at a time :)

One of my devotionals was perfect for today...

MARKED MOMENTS 

Before the foundation of the world, God laid out a plan for your life. He created you with a purpose, for a purpose, and He created you to be successful! He has marked moments already laid out that are going to come across your path. These moments are not ordinary. They are destiny-altering moments. They are designed to thrust you years ahead. 

Ecclesiastes tells us that time and chance come together for every person. That means you will have opportunities to meet the right people, opportunities to advance in your career, and opportunities to fulfill your dreams. God has already prearranged for you times of increase, promotion and blessing. 

Today, open your eyes of faith and see the good things God has in store for your future. Thank Him for what He’s doing and what He’s about to do. Thank Him for divine connections and marked moments because He is ready and willing to fulfill every dream and desire He’s placed within your heart! 

Prayer: 
Heavenly Father, thank You for marked moments and divine opportunities in my life. I trust that You are working behind the scenes no matter what the circumstances look like. I choose today to keep my heart and mind focused on Your goodness, knowing that You are a rewarder of those who diligently seek after You in Jesus’ name. Amen.