Powerless

Powerless... that's how my husband put it. Over the past few months, I have had a day here and there where I just want to be upset. I want to stay in bed. I don't want to hang out, be happy, do anything. Its hard at times for  Christian to feel this way. I am always a positive person. I know that God has me all the time and that makes this life a beautiful thing. But somedays, lately, it feels far from it.

The kids wake up screaming at each other

Keyboard warriors at it again

LEO wives asking for prayer bc theirs destruction in their area, or the government is not backing up their department, their significant other is back out at it again and they are scared.

Everything is closing up again

Being a SAHM, LEOW during all this is probably the worst possible thing. I think the only thing that could make it worse is if my kids were school aged bc homeschool through this would be a nightmare. Just preschool homeschool is. But it for sure has pulled me deep into the word.

 

16 But I have raised you up[a] for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth. Exodus 9:16

This was a verse in a devotional a read the day after talking to my husband about all I was feeling.  If that wasn't God talking straight to me about feeling so powerless, then I don't know how the big the sign would need to be. LOL I will not let the loud minority make me feel powerless when I am a Child of God. I may not have to fight every battle online but I will not be quiet. I will wear my blue line gear with pride. I will go outside, to a park, and play with my kids. I will enjoy time and open conversations with friends and family in person. 

17 I urge you, brothers and sisters, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them. 18 For such people are not serving our Lord Christ, but their own appetites. By smooth talk and flattery they deceive the minds of naive people. Romans 16:17-18

But I will keep bringing up scripture. I will equip myself, my heart and my mind with the word of God to back it up and share with everyone who is willing to have a conversation. I will find God's power when I am feeling my most powerless.  

BTW, if you haven't read the book "Stop Calling Me Beautiful" by Phylicia Masonheimer, I highly recommend you get it! We need to get deep and dirty into the Gospel.  

Do not mistake my silence

I wholeheartedly believe if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

 

Proverbs 12:18

There is one who speaks rashly, like a piercing sword; but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

 

Proverbs 15:1

A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.

 

James 1:26

If anyone thinks he is religious without controlling his tongue, his religion is useless and he deceives himself.

 

Matthew 15:10-11

¹⁰ Summoning the crowd, he told them, “Listen and understand: ¹¹ It’s not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth—this defiles a person.”

 

Proverbs 18:21

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

 

Proverbs 21:23

The one who guards his mouth and tongue keeps himself out of trouble.

 

Pslams 19:14

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable to you, Lord, my rock and my Redeemer.

 

Pslams 34:13

Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from deceitful speech.

 

Luke 6:45

A good person produces good out of the good stored up in his heart. An evil person produces evil out of the evil stored up in his heart, for his mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart.

 

Matthew 5:43-44

“You have heard that it was said, Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,

 

Proverbs 11:9

With his mouth the ungodly destroys his neighbor, but through knowledge the righteous are rescued.

 

Should I keep going?

 

So here is… if you want change, GO BE IT! Stop talking about it. Stop demanding it and step up! You want to see better police officers? Make it a job worth having. Respect them and the sacrifices they make to protect and serve our community. Don’t believe they are doing enough? The get yourself in a position to make the change you want to see in these types of departments. Do you think that saying F*** the police, pigs, ACAB, kill the police is going to get good men and women out there everyday to be what we need them to be? Would you really want that job? So many agencies have lowered… yes! Lowered! Their standards for officers because they just need more of them who are willing in todays climate. 

For the people who say “one bad apple is one too many”. True! But do we say the same thing when a teacher is accused to “sexual assault” on a student? Reform on all education and how teachers are employed! The few doctors who are killing us with prescription drug addictions. Where is the outcry of that one? 

Bias exists! If you want to disagree with me, I will be happy to have that conversation on how you do it, probably every day. It’s human nature. Our experiences define us, mold our thinking. Today, we are also heavily influenced by the media/social media because it is such a huge part of our lives. But we can control it, we can control what we read, what we watch and make sure that we are only putting good in. What are you choosing to listen to?

Equality is here. Some may have to work harder to achieve certain things but it is there for the taking. We all have the opportunity to a higher education. We all have the choice to pay for it. Did you catch that word? Choices!!! We are the choices that we make. But the best part is every day we can make new choices! Maybe if we stopped valuing the entertainment industry and making millions of dollars to get out of poverty and started focusing on that education to get there, the jobs that could be reached if we tried, we would see a lot more of it. 

Now here is where I get dirty. I have a hard time with the Black Lives Matter movement. I spent 13 years attending a prominently black church. Some of the most God-fearing people I know. I love my previous church family. You want to know what God says about your situation, just ask and they have a list of verses to get you through it. But it was also very eye opening to how even though they were there Sunday morning saying “Amen!” to what pastor was saying, they were not living and breathing it throughout the week. Especially our age group.  Don’t get me wrong! I am not talking about everyone of course. I know this happens at every church out there. People of all race, sex, education background… people are going to church to show something not to actually learn the word and live the mission. And get it straight, I am not perfect!!! But how can I help change a heart that isn’t listening?  I can teach, love, inspire those people all I want but it has to come from inside. If they are not being “fed” at home, someone else will teach them their ways. I am happily here to help too. I will be here, every step of the way, to help you have a voice, for sure, but I am not going to act like an outside voice of a community is going to make a change if they are not going to do it for themselves. Rule 6 of Jordan Petersons “12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos” – “Set Your house in perfect order before you criticize the world.” Now we know things will never “perfect” but if you are trying to tell people to stop doing something and then turn around and do it yourself, why do you think things will change. Start where you can. Start at home. Start in your local community and when you set the example then you show others how it is done.

We have to stop yelling and we have to start listening to each other. Stop living on your emotions and think things through. Let’s have a conversation. Let’s have a discussion. Let’s stop fighting and start being responsible, loving human beings.

FInding a Happy Place

Yesterday would have been a Disneyland day. I know, first world problems, but hear me out.

Where do you go when life just seems too much? Where do you go for a break? Especially when you have young kids. Where is that happy place that can reset you to be a better mom, wife?

Mine is Disneyland. It really is the Happiest Place on Earth for me. It was where we had our first date (downtown Disney), it was where we spent our first year dating/getting to know each other, it was where we got engaged, it was where we spent our honeymoon, it has been where we celebrate our kids birthdays. It is filled with amazing memories, a safe place to be a mom of 2 young kids, and my true happy place.

But since March it has been closed, along with the rest of the world. I have be on "shelter in place" with a 2 and 3 year old. So since this has started, there has not been many breaks. Someone needs something from mama at all times. "Get me a snack", "play with me", "wipe my tushy". On top of laundry, breakfast/lunch/dinner, grocery shopping, clean house. Lets not even add that my 2 year old love to ear piercing scream in excitement, anger, sadness, and every other emotion she has. 

It's not like any of this is new (except now I have 2 "wipe my tushy" instead of 1, potty training) but now the times where I am more than just these things are few and far between. Especially when bigger crimes are happening AND the nation decides to protest police because of the actions of one bad apple. Not only am I not getting a break from handling all at home for at least a little bit when daddy walks through the door, but now lets add worry. anxiety, stress of my husband at work on top of it all. 

I'm officially done. I am wiped out. I am on empty. No matter how much I am reminded of the amazing things God is doing and will continue to do, I am just done.

I miss people. I miss hugs.  I miss park time. I miss watching my littles make friends. I miss going on adventures with my littles. I miss seeing peoples smiles. I miss getting dressed up for date night.(we did get 1 last week!) I miss just going to get ice cream with my family without having to think "do I need a mask? do my kids need masks?". If someone wants to tell me that masks are the new normal I might just have to punch them in the face and share that's my new normal. (okay, not really but it might make me feel better lol)

I guess the hardest part is as things are starting to open and get back to business, things involving children have not and probably won't for awhile. Children are messy, dirty, germy creatures. They are not going to wear masks. They are going to touch everyone and everything. The world doesn't know how to handle that which means they will be on lockdown even longer. Which means SAHMs will be on lockdown even longer. 

So where do we go? How do I find that balance again of enjoying my children and keeping my sanity. Where can they run around safely and it be a mini mental break for mama? Or at least wear them out enough so they nap and give mama a mental break then. (Naptime has been a NIGHTMARE lately). 

And then guilt hits me. If I am feeling this way, how are all my other mamas doing? Why am I too concerned about myself to check in on them? Or anyone else? 

Today, I will be continually work on my kids being okay with playing with just one another instead of asking mama every 5 mins. Today I will try to do the things that need to get done while they are playing instead of hoping an praying for naptime. Today I am not cooking because I don't need to. Today I might actually reach out for help instead of waiting around for someone to offer it. Today I will open my Bible, turn on my music and keep listening to what God has for me. 

Isaiah 41:13

For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. 

Psalm 23 1:5

The LORD is my shepherd; I have what I need. He lets me lie down in green pastures; he leads me beside quiet waters. He renews my life; he leads me along the right paths for his name's sake. Even when I go through the darkest valley. I fear no danger, for you are with me; your rod and your staff- they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Matthew 11:28

"Come to me , all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest"

Philippians 4:7

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. 

Frustration is rising

With all that is going on lately, everyone is talking about how to handle it. Anxiety, depression, seperation.. but one thing I haven't seen much about is frustration.

I am happy! I love my life! Nothing has really changed for us during this time except we can't go anywhere. Normally my family is very active. We are out and about. We love adventures. Trying to create adventures at home has been a bit harder. 

I know God is in control. I don't live in fear. I know who is writing my story. I trust the journey we are on. I know He is with me. I feel the peace, the comfort every day. This virus isn't scary to me. It's just part of life. 

But I am FRUSTRATED BEYOND BELIEF and I don't exactly know how to handle it.

I am frustrated that people want to use my Christianity against me when my beliefs are different than them. “You obviously don’t care about people” “That’s not a very Christian way to think”. Especially when it is coming from someone who hasn’t pick up a Bible in who knows when.

I am frustrated that I am considered selfish because I don't want to wear a mask, I refuse to purchase cloth masks for my family, I want life to go back to being out and about and being with people. “I am not going to be the reason someone else gets sick and/or dies” “I hope no one near you gets this virus”. I am like 51% I had the virus when this whole lockdown started, not bronchitis. If that’s the case, I already have the antibodies and I cannot spread it but that can’t be tested so let’s just all stay inside.

I am frustrated that businesses are hurting because he government, not the choice of the people. It’s one thing if a business goes under because people are not going there. It’s another when the government doesn't allow people to go there. We are so blessed to live in a country of choices. We have to teach people to make good choices, not force it on them.

I am frustrated that people are expecting a hand out. Sorry you haven't learned how to prepare for an emergency but maybe that is something we need to re-evaluated when we look at what is required in our education system. Did you create a community around you for help too? I mean this is a great time to really see what we as a community can do for one another, not ask the government to do it for us. This is what makes the church so great because that is exactly what they should create and should be for during a time like this. I am very grateful our new home church is exactly that!

I am frustrated that I don't know how to handle these things like Jesus would. I just want to yell at people and shake them out of this and I know Jesus wouldn't do that. (Although he did yell at people who were not respecting the temple so…) But what would He do? 

So off to search my Bible I go!

Romans 8:28

²⁸ We know that all things work together^[a] for the good^[b] of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. 

1 Thessalonians 5:18

¹⁸ give thanks in everything; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Proverbs 17:22

A joyful heart is good medicine,
but a broken spirit dries up the bones.

Isaish 26:3

You will keep the mind that is dependent on you
in perfect peace,
for it is trusting in you.

Galatians 5:22-23

²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, and self-control. The law is not against such things.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not arrogant, 5 is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not irritable, and does not keep a record of wrongs. ⁶ Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth. ⁷ It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Now what to do with this...

Is it awful to say that this doesn't help? But at the same time I know it really does. It's like dealing with toddlers, when something happens I may get quick to anger but my reaction is what shows them Jesus' love. Being able to take a breath, pray and remember that God is working this for good, thank him for this time with my kids and with Him, keeping a joyful heart with a mind on Him, knowing that He is love and will provide my head and heart with all it needs.

I may not always be able to keep my mouth peaceful but I can continue to work on that. It may just be the lesson God has for me through all this. But also remebering that Jesus had times where his button were hit makes me feel normal too. 😉

That quarantine life

Well looking back at my first post of the year seem laughable now.

Hello all! Welcome to April 2020! I have been quarantined with 2 toddlers for 6 weeks now while my husband is an "essential" worker. (Of course, but that's nothing new) 😳

So far, it just feels a bit like "Groundhogs day". What am I going to do today to keep these kids out of trouble? Crafts, games, outside time, ipad time, movies, car rides. Keeping a 2 and 3 year old active and out of trouble but at the same time not just trying to completely entertain them since they need to learn to do that themselves has been good. They actually have had to learn how to play better with each other which is an awesome thing. So good job quarantine, you have taught my kids to play together. 👍

But this mama is losing her mind, one day at a time. My main conversations are with toddlers. Some days my husband forgets that when I am just a chatter box when he gets home. I had to completely breakdown and explain this to him. They don't get it all the time because its just life as normal. He is still going to work, still doing his thing, still chatting with his coworkers. I am lucky if I get a zoom/facetime chat with my friends/family longer than 15 mins bc my toddlers are going nuts with my attention elsewhere.

People rarely understand that when you are a first responder spouse and there is an emergency like this, your family comes together to handle it, my husband leaves his to protect yours. You can say whatever you like about having to work from home now and figuring out your new normal. This is my normal. In fact, I actually saw him less the first 2 weeks because he had to work a few 12-16 hour OT shifts. My normal is I have to handle my family while he has to protect yours. We don't get to come together. We say I love you and stay safe and pray he doesn't bring this home.

The funny thing is, the one thing I have been sure of since the first day of all this... God's got it. I don't feel a bit of anxiety about what is going on in the world. I feel its a wake up call for everyone to find their faith. Find that trust in God. I am actually not too worried about my husband getting sick or getting us sick. This virus doesn't scare me. It has been an amazing thing to see the community that can be created when we are in something together to take care of each other. The amount of love that has been pouring in on our family during this time has been amazing. We were blessed to change churches about a year ago and it was such the right decision for our little family and we especially see it now. We needed a community and they have been so much more than we could have ever prayed for.

So here is to another 4 weeks (at least) of the same old things around here. I mean it is California so God knows we are not opening anything any time soon 😔 But we will keep moving forward. I will keep these little humans alive, educated and entertained. LOL I will kiss my husband goodbye every morning and welcome home every time he walks back through that door. And I cannot wait to hug people again!

For God did not appoint us to wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, ¹⁰ who died for us, so that whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. ¹¹ Therefore encourage one another and build each other up as you are already doing. 1 Thess 5:9-11

Living for the present instead of the possible

Did anyone else think that January was THE LONGEST MONTH EVER!!!

So in my life, I have 4 birthday in January (kind of 5 if you count my daughter which is Dec 30th so close enough). The holidays don't end on Christmas, they really begin and keep going till February.
And this year even more got added to the January plate... my husbands family was all going to be together, for a week, for the first time since our wedding 6 years ago! Oh yeah, and I decided I wanted to do a Spartan race for the first time with my husband. 🤦🤦

Now for a planner like me, this was a nightmare!!! We had all these "events" but nothing really "planned". I had to let go of so much to just go with the flow of birthdays, family time, meals, children's naps, etc. And guess what? I survived. We all survived. We even had a great month. I wasn't in control of every minute and we all did just fine. Yes, there were some crazy times and my children didn't nap or go to bed like they normally do but we all made it through with some great memories.

• We took my niece to Disneyland for the first time with my kids and everyone had a blast!
• We went to Knotts Berry Farm with my husbands whole family for a day. Our kids got to do something new, bond with their cousins they hardly get to see and we even got to go on a few things too to enjoy time with them as well. 
• We froze our butts off at the beach but I learned how much my children really want to go to the beach more (I hate the beach lol but maybe I need to get over it)
• I did my first Spartan race and I kicked butt! lol I climbed walls and cargo nets, flipped tires and did quiet a few burpees to earn that medal but I did it, with my amazing husband! Honestly, I am kind of addicted now.
• Husband and I went to taping of our favorite show and had so much fun! Even already seen ourselves on TV lol
• I would like to add I read/listened to 2 books! lol I have added reading/listening to audiobooks to my "things to do in 2020" and I am actually doing it! (One, which has lead me to this entry today)

These are things people do in a year, or even years and we did it all in the month on January!!! I was stressed out, wigged out, crazy for most of the month and what for??? If I am always looking 2 steps ahead how can I enjoy what is right in front of me???

The plan for my life was never the SAHM, married to an officer, ideas of homeschooling one day but here we are and yet I am always still looking 2 steps ahead instead of just enjoying the now.

As month 1 of 2020 is over, I am looking forward to month 2 and focusing on the here and now of spending time with my family and hopefully soon friends too! Because life is too short, and quick for us to only focus on whats next and not enjoy time with one another and show God's love and grace to one another. 

Proverbs 3:1-6 CSB

1My son, don’t forget my teaching,

but let your heart keep my commands;

2for they will bring you

many days, a full life, and well-being.

3Never let loyalty and faithfulness leave you.

Tie them around your neck;

write them on the tablet of your heart.

4Then you will find favor and high regard

with God and people.

5Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and do not rely on your own understanding;

6in all your ways know him,

and he will make your paths straight.

Below are a few resources I love and the books I have read so far. Check them out
Books
Right Side of History
Everything Happens for a Reason

Resources
Libby- app for library ebooks/audiobooks FREE
Hoopla- another app for library ebooks/audiobooks FREE
Emory Lane- bc I love supporting small businesses and I live in these shirts lol

2020 Vision

Since it is the theme of EVERYTHING, might as well use it too. But to have a clear vision, we must first look back.
2019- If you ask me, this year was probably one of the biggest growth years our family has had. The stress it was to get through our first year with 2 kids was so much on me personally and our marriage in 2018 that 2019 meant we got to reconnect and rebalance our family. The decision to change churches was also a huge step that created so much joy and peace throughout the year as well. And I got to focus and figure out myself and reconnect my personal faith again. God showed us to much grace and love this last year and I am hoping it with just grow from here.

So what does 2020 look like for this CHP family?
I’m hoping it looks like my husband getting to venture into new avenues in the department and new trainings because this is a great time for him to do so. If your husband has opportunities to add to his resume, make sure you can support him in those as much as possible! For a family in so cal, him doing trainings up north isn’t always ideal but they can be great connections made, ideas learned and even fun family adventures if you have the means to do that with him.

For our family?
I am hoping to get more organized with the idea of homeschooling these littles one day. By starting now with toddler activities and preschool lessons to get my head wrapped around what it would look like.
Maybe a move? Maybe a remodel? Maybe an addition? (In more ways than one) Only God knows those answers but we are opening our hearts and minds for what He does have planned for us this year and going to take it day by day, step by step knowing He has the best plans laid out for us if we just continue to walk with Him. Trusting he has made us just for this journey.

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:33‬ ‭CSB‬‬

So here is to 2020! May it be a blessed one for you and yours!